My grief over my mother's death

[NoraB]

Why am I going through this again? I don't know. I was walking the dog this morning and I couldn't stop thinking about her, my mum that is, I feel I need to get some of what's in my head out as I think I've very much battled on and tried to be supportive to my stepdad etc. But I think it's all contributed to my current state.

When anxiety hits it's just awful and I feel I'm having to do everything and anything I can to help myself. Maybe this well help?

Sorry to hear about your mum, and I totally understand because I lost mine suddenly too.

This is still very early days for you; it's only been a matter of months..

On the day that my mother died, I woke up that night with severe chest pains. That was the start of my hardest battle with anxiety and I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia a couple of years ago.

I don't know what your relationship with your mum was like, but mine was strong, and there was no time to say goodbye. Our last phone call (the night before) haunted me for years because I was still woozy from general anaesthetic and I wanted to go to sleep - so I abruptly ended the phone call telling my mum I'd call her the next day, only I never got the chance..

I lost my dad when I was 26 and Mum when I was 41. I've lost lots of people but none have left such a gigantic hole in my life as them. The way I see it; a part of me went with them. The part of me that only they could bring out? I changed when I lost my dad and again when Mum died and it's taken me many years to come to terms with her not being here. What helped me was to talk and write about her. I had a blog where I wrote about her in my own way - which was humorous - as in my sense of humour. I wrote about the time we went to the beach and she forgot she was wearing her slippers (pink fluffy mules) and Dad had to buy her some yellow flip-flops - only she got stuck in quicksand and came out minus one of them. The stories made people laugh and I laughed remembering them, and laughter is good for the heart and soul, right? But before I reached this point, I was stuck and incredibly sad. One day the thought came to me that I'm a mother, and how would I feel if my sons were so sad about me?

I had a lot of practical support when my mum died. I had two brothers, two grown up sons and a husband to lean on. If you're having to cope with practical stuff as well, it's no wonder your mental health is struggling. The death of a parent (especially one who was loved) is one of the hardest things you'll go through in terms of stress and we all grieve in different ways and there is no time limit. Mum died 10 years ago but it was only last week that I let her go and stopped talking to 'her' about my problems everyday. I'm not a nutter btw, I just believe that consciousness survives biological death.. Anyway, my dreams have been 'confusing' about my mother for a few years now. She was always sad or cross with me and I couldn't work out why. Then the thought came to me that, in talking to her everyday, I'm keeping 'her' here? So I took off her ring, locket, and moved the photograph of her and me away from my bedside table, and I finally said goodbye to her. That night I dreamt that her and my dad were buggering off in a tourer caravan (yeah, this is my brain lol) and she was happy; they both were.

My point is that we're all different and we cope with death in different ways. You will find your own way to cope, and the days will become easier as time goes on. The best way to honour the memory of a parent is to live life as best we can. In time, you'll walk the dog and be reminded of the good times. It's still too raw for you, and this is simply a stage of grief that you have to go through, but you will come out the other side. It's ok to feel angry or sad or cheated out of time. It's ok to cry until the snot runs down your face! We have to accept that the world is going to feel like it's closing in on us at times. Just allow the thoughts to come and then try and remember something that's good about your mum - before illness and the ending, and in time those shocking memories of a few months ago will retreat further and further away - like rumbles of thunder.. X

[Catkins]

Thank you xx

[AbyssalStars]

I know that this is a bit late, but I thought I would ramble about my own experiences with the death of loved ones on the chance that it might make you feel better. I am very spiritual and believe in an afterlife, but if you aren't, feel free to ignore me.

About a month before my sister died, I had a dream (a premonition? warning?) that she was going to die. I did not know why or how, but I woke up sobbing my eyes out and screaming to my mom that she was going to die, and that I had to warn her. My mom had told me that it was just a dream, and by the time my sister got home, I had forgotten to tell her. She died a month later.

The night my brother committed suicide, I had a dream where his spirit(?) led me downstairs to where I would later find his body. He was explaining (without words) why he did what he did, and that he had to go now. At the time I was really angry with him, so I told him that if he really wanted to go, then he should go.

About a year ago, I had a dream where I nice lady told me that my sister and my brother were always with me. When I woke up, I felt comforted knowing that even if I can't see them, that they are there and still care for me (even though I am not the best sister and they deserved so much better).

[Catkins]

Today I miss you terribly.

I would have gone to your house if you'd still been here.

[Pamplemousse]

Today I miss you terribly.

I would have gone to your house if you'd still been here.

[Scass]

I’m really sorry for your loss. It was a terrible shock for you, no matter how much you may have been expecting it.
It’s still quite fresh for you really, and maybe as you go through the stages of grief this is you moving into a new processing stage.
Talking about it is great. You’re part of a horrible club now where people either understand what you’re going through or don’t, and you wouldn’t wish the pain on any of them.

I’ve lost both my parents so I suppose I understand some of what you’re feeling, but it’s still very personal to you. All I can say is to keep talking. Sending love x


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[Scass]

Sorry to hear about your mum, and I totally understand because I lost mine suddenly too.

This is still very early days for you; it's only been a matter of months..

On the day that my mother died, I woke up that night with severe chest pains. That was the start of my hardest battle with anxiety and I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia a couple of years ago.

I don't know what your relationship with your mum was like, but mine was strong, and there was no time to say goodbye. Our last phone call (the night before) haunted me for years because I was still woozy from general anaesthetic and I wanted to go to sleep - so I abruptly ended the phone call telling my mum I'd call her the next day, only I never got the chance..

I lost my dad when I was 26 and Mum when I was 41. I've lost lots of people but none have left such a gigantic hole in my life as them. The way I see it; a part of me went with them. The part of me that only they could bring out? I changed when I lost my dad and again when Mum died and it's taken me many years to come to terms with her not being here. What helped me was to talk and write about her. I had a blog where I wrote about her in my own way - which was humorous - as in my sense of humour. I wrote about the time we went to the beach and she forgot she was wearing her slippers (pink fluffy mules) and Dad had to buy her some yellow flip-flops - only she got stuck in quicksand and came out minus one of them. The stories made people laugh and I laughed remembering them, and laughter is good for the heart and soul, right? But before I reached this point, I was stuck and incredibly sad. One day the thought came to me that I'm a mother, and how would I feel if my sons were so sad about me?

I had a lot of practical support when my mum died. I had two brothers, two grown up sons and a husband to lean on. If you're having to cope with practical stuff as well, it's no wonder your mental health is struggling. The death of a parent (especially one who was loved) is one of the hardest things you'll go through in terms of stress and we all grieve in different ways and there is no time limit. Mum died 10 years ago but it was only last week that I let her go and stopped talking to 'her' about my problems everyday. I'm not a nutter btw, I just believe that consciousness survives biological death.. Anyway, my dreams have been 'confusing' about my mother for a few years now. She was always sad or cross with me and I couldn't work out why. Then the thought came to me that, in talking to her everyday, I'm keeping 'her' here? So I took off her ring, locket, and moved the photograph of her and me away from my bedside table, and I finally said goodbye to her. That night I dreamt that her and my dad were buggering off in a tourer caravan (yeah, this is my brain lol) and she was happy; they both were.

My point is that we're all different and we cope with death in different ways. You will find your own way to cope, and the days will become easier as time goes on. The best way to honour the memory of a parent is to live life as best we can. In time, you'll walk the dog and be reminded of the good times. It's still too raw for you, and this is simply a stage of grief that you have to go through, but you will come out the other side. It's ok to feel angry or sad or cheated out of time. It's ok to cry until the snot runs down your face! We have to accept that the world is going to feel like it's closing in on us at times. Just allow the thoughts to come and then try and remember something that's good about your mum - before illness and the ending, and in time those shocking memories of a few months ago will retreat further and further away - like rumbles of thunder.. X

I found some of what you said so familiar Nora. I lost my Mum 10 years ago too. It wasn’t sudden really - she had dementia, but her passing was sudden I suppose. But also, she’d been gone for a few years before that because of her awful disease.

I think I’ve let go of her. My life has changed so much since she left - I have a daughter now that she never got to meet.
I haven’t let go of my Dad though. It’s been 4 years and it’s still very raw.

Xx


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[pulisa]

It's 31 years tomorrow since my mum died suddenly and 7 years in September since I lost my dad. My mum never got to meet her granddaughter who is named after her and who was born the following year. She would have loved her though..I nearly died when my daughter was born and was in intensive care...I remember crying out for my mum because I needed her and i still do.

I wish I could speak to my parents now..and I sometimes ring my dad's old number and get a "number unobtainable "which just about sums things up.

As time goes on you learn to accept bereavement but you never really get over it.

[Catkins]

It's even hard thinking I'll never get cross with her again.

I don't think I appreciated her enough when she was here. I think I took her for granted.

[NoraB]

Today I miss you terribly.

I would have gone to your house if you'd still been here.

One of the saddest parts of losing my mum was losing the home that was once mine too. I went round and took photographs of the house as it was before we started to remove everything that made that house 'hers'. But those photographs didn't comfort me because she was missing from them. The house felt cold, despite the time of year. It had felt the same when my dad died, only that was to expected given that it was winter. What I decided to do instead was to 'visit' the house in my mind. It took me through every room and I could 'smell' the fag smoke, multiple air fresheners and scented candles (only less migraine-inducing than in real life) until I came to the living room, and there Mum would be - sat in her favourite chair, 'alive', healthy and smiling at me.