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Thread: My grief over my mother's death

  1. #21
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    Re: My grief over my mother's death

    Quote Originally Posted by Catkins View Post
    It's even hard thinking I'll never get cross with her again.
    Nothing stopping you. I've managed a few arguments with my mother since she's passed on.

    I don't think I appreciated her enough when she was here. I think I took her for granted.
    What child (adults included) haven't taken their parents for granted at some point?

    The last phone call I had with my mum, I can't remember if I told her I loved her. That haunted me for years. Did I do enough? Why didn't I know something was wrong so that I could have helped her? Why. If only. I wish...

    Eventually I realised that the word 'love' doesn't need to be said for it to be given or felt.

    I ruminated on being able to save her if I'd have paid more attention to her during the phone call? But I came to realise that Mum's system had been compromised for a year as it was, and when I read what was on the death certificate, I knew that, had any of us got to her in time to save her, she would have not gone back to the level of independence she'd always known, and my mother wouldn't have handled that. She was a fiercely independent woman and seeing as she told the surgeon who was giving her a new hip where to 'stick his effing crutches' after hearing that she'd have to use them for 6 weeks, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that my mother would not have taken kindly to losing her independence until the end of her days. As it was, she died the week before her op - such is the length my mum went to in order to avoid those crutches!

    Nobody has the perfect relationship Catkins. That's not how life works. My mother irritated the shit out of me at times, and I'm responsible for her hair going prematurely grey..

    I left home at 16. I hurt her (and my dad) beyond words, not that I understood that then. But the photographs taken at the time show that hurt quite clearly: arms folded over the heart and smiles that doesn't reach the eyes. I know that I was a pain in the @rse as a teenager! But I also know that I couldn't have loved her anymore than I did.

    The way I see it? Grief is the price we pay for loving someone, and the more we love someone, the deeper the grief. These thoughts you're having are all normal and part of the grieving process.. X
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  2. #22
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    Re: My grief over my mother's death

    Quote Originally Posted by Scass View Post
    I think I’ve let go of her. My life has changed so much since she left - I have a daughter now that she never got to meet.
    I haven’t let go of my Dad though. It’s been 4 years and it’s still very raw
    Sorry to hear you've lost your parents too Scass. X

    It took me years to come to terms with the loss of my dad too. I was a 'daddy's girl'. I idolised him. Dad was 100% NT but one of those really special human beings who just make everybody feel ok, you know? I could be myself around him and feel loved. We watched the footie together (Liverpool, obvs) and listened to music, and even though my life away from home was beyond terrible; Dad made it all go away while I was with him. He was a very special bloke, and I'm so happy to have been his daughter.

    Amongst my mother's things, I came across some cassette tapes from the 70s. My parents used to make tapes for my aunty and grandma who lived down South. I found one of me (as a very young child) singing to Max Bygraves with my dad. Listening to myself is a total cringe-fest but on that tape are Mum and Dad's voices and I can't even describe what it does to my heart, you know? There's also one my Grandma and Grandad made for us one Christmas. Side A to my parents, only Nan forgot to adjust the speed on the record player so Perry Como sounded like Pinky and Perky! and Side B was to me and my brothers, only Nan forgot to take the pause off, so there's nowt on it.

    This reminds me, I really should get those tapes transferred onto digital. I'd hate anything to happen to them...
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  3. #23
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    Re: My grief over my mother's death

    Quote Originally Posted by NoraB View Post
    This reminds me, I really should get those tapes transferred onto digital. I'd hate anything to happen to them...
    I was doing this a couple of years ago - I have about 350 - 400 cassettes to transfer and until I got sidetracked, I'd done about fifty. I have a PC dedicated to the task, with a professional sound card in it and numerous high-end cassette machines.

    I don't know how old your cassettes are, but brand has a lot to do with longevity. Ampex were by far and away the worst; unplayable - the tape stuck to itself and locked the machine up. Memorex came second worst. The best ones were TDK, with BASF being variable. I should add the cassettes I found this out on all date from the mid-1970s.

    Don't forget though that digital media can fail: old CD-Rs seem to be very unreliable, and USB sticks can, and do, fail too. Some of my early 'proper' CDs have been attacked by the sponge lining in their cases as well.

    By far and away the most reliable audio media I have is shellac and vinyl....

    By all means make a digital copy of them, but keep the originals. I know people who transferred their VHS tapes to DVDs and binned the VHS tapes... only for the DVD to fail.

  4. #24
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    Re: My grief over my mother's death

    My mum would be telling my husband to get a grip right now. In fact she'd probably be telling me the same. But I would get a hug with it.

  5. #25
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    Re: My grief over my mother's death

    I used to absolutely hate when she used to spit on old tissue from her pocket and then wipe my face with it. I'm sure I wasn't that dirty! It smelt horrible.

  6. #26
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    Re: My grief over my mother's death

    Quote Originally Posted by Catkins View Post
    I used to absolutely hate when she used to spit on old tissue from her pocket and then wipe my face with it. I'm sure I wasn't that dirty! It smelt horrible.
    That's made me laugh! Oh, I had relatives that did that to me too!

  7. #27
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    Re: My grief over my mother's death

    Quote Originally Posted by Pamplemousse View Post
    I was doing this a couple of years ago - I have about 350 - 400 cassettes to transfer and until I got sidetracked, I'd done about fifty. I have a PC dedicated to the task, with a professional sound card in it and numerous high-end cassette machines.

    I don't know how old your cassettes are, but brand has a lot to do with longevity. Ampex were by far and away the worst; unplayable - the tape stuck to itself and locked the machine up. Memorex came second worst. The best ones were TDK, with BASF being variable. I should add the cassettes I found this out on all date from the mid-1970s.
    The tapes that came from my gran and aunty are cheap, but my mother didn't do 'cheap'. I don't know for sure what this particular tape is without looking but it's going to be in the TDK type of range. They're from the mid-70s onwards..

    By all means make a digital copy of them, but keep the originals. I know people who transferred their VHS tapes to DVDs and binned the VHS tapes... only for the DVD to fail.
    I'd always keep the original, and I have it well protected. I also have a tape player to play it on, but I keep it down to an occasional play for practical and emotional reasons.
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  8. #28
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    Re: My grief over my mother's death

    Quote Originally Posted by Catkins View Post
    My mum would be telling my husband to get a grip right now. In fact she'd probably be telling me the same. But I would get a hug with it.
    You can still talk to her and “listen” to her. Their voices are part of us, and in my opinion they spent much of their lives teaching us how to live without them.


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  9. #29
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    Oct 2016
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    Re: My grief over my mother's death

    Quote Originally Posted by pulisa View Post
    It's 31 years tomorrow since my mum died suddenly and 7 years in September since I lost my dad. My mum never got to meet her granddaughter who is named after her and who was born the following year. She would have loved her though..I nearly died when my daughter was born and was in intensive care...I remember crying out for my mum because I needed her and i still do.

    I wish I could speak to my parents now..and I sometimes ring my dad's old number and get a "number unobtainable "which just about sums things up.

    As time goes on you learn to accept bereavement but you never really get over it.
    Hugs Pulisa.


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  10. #30
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    Re: My grief over my mother's death

    Quote Originally Posted by NoraB View Post
    Sorry to hear you've lost your parents too Scass. X

    It took me years to come to terms with the loss of my dad too. I was a 'daddy's girl'. I idolised him. Dad was 100% NT but one of those really special human beings who just make everybody feel ok, you know? I could be myself around him and feel loved. We watched the footie together (Liverpool, obvs) and listened to music, and even though my life away from home was beyond terrible; Dad made it all go away while I was with him. He was a very special bloke, and I'm so happy to have been his daughter.

    Amongst my mother's things, I came across some cassette tapes from the 70s. My parents used to make tapes for my aunty and grandma who lived down South. I found one of me (as a very young child) singing to Max Bygraves with my dad. Listening to myself is a total cringe-fest but on that tape are Mum and Dad's voices and I can't even describe what it does to my heart, you know? There's also one my Grandma and Grandad made for us one Christmas. Side A to my parents, only Nan forgot to adjust the speed on the record player so Perry Como sounded like Pinky and Perky! and Side B was to me and my brothers, only Nan forgot to take the pause off, so there's nowt on it.

    This reminds me, I really should get those tapes transferred onto digital. I'd hate anything to happen to them...
    Those tapes sound wonderful.

    I have my Dads old computer and I was going through it a few months ago & found some videos of my Mum I’d not seen before. It was a real jolt.
    I have all of his voicemails saved on my phone, I really need to get them saved somewhere safe.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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