My grief over my mother's death

[Catkins]

Met my stepdad and sister for lunch. I mentioned to my stepdad that I might be starting my phased return to work next week and he said 'oh no not on Thursday when they're picking up the sofa'. I said yes unfortunately it might be. So I explained to him that after I had agreed to be there for the sofa collection, I'd thought about it and decided that I didn't know if I actually wanted to see it leaving either and that I thought I would struggle with it's departure as well.

He was really understanding about it and apologised, saying that it was selfish of him to ask.

We then decided that he would just let them in then go hide in the kitchen while they took it away.

I think this is a good result.

[pulisa]

Yes it is and well done for sticking to your guns and explaining to him that you would find it very hard too. He probably hadn't thought about that because he has been too choked up about it himself.

I'm glad he understood and why wouldn't he really? I found it incredibly hard clearing out my Dad's house. I remember having awful chest pains whilst waiting for the clearance lorry..all stress-related.

[Catkins]

It's awful packaging up peoples possessions. You look at things that were precious to them and then you have to let them go. Doing my step-grans house and my mum's clothes was just exhausting. I especially hated doing my mum's stuff - there were brand new things that she'd never had chance to wear, it was heart breaking. Then because of lockdown we couldn't take them to the charity shops so they had to be stored at mine until the charity shops opened, then they wouldn't take it all at once (even though they said on the phone they would), so I had to drive around with half of it the car for 24 hours until I could go back the next day. It was all just awful really.

[NoraB]

It's awful packaging up peoples possessions. You look at things that were precious to them and then you have to let them go. Doing my step-grans house and my mum's clothes was just exhausting. I especially hated doing my mum's stuff - there were brand new things that she'd never had chance to wear, it was heart breaking. Then because of lockdown we couldn't take them to the charity shops so they had to be stored at mine until the charity shops opened, then they wouldn't take it all at once (even though they said on the phone they would), so I had to drive around with half of it the car for 24 hours until I could go back the next day. It was all just awful really.

When my mum died, my brothers and I walked around the house and chose the things which meant something to us as individuals. There was no arguing or squabbling like with some families. It was actually a lovely experience if that makes any sense? Because there were a lot of memories connected to those objects - and most of them funny! We had a damn good laugh!

I chose a pair of nutcrackers which I'd given her as a present when I was a child, a ceramic chicken which reminded me of the one from the TV show 'Bread', and amongst a few other things - I took a bright red scarf because it smelled of Mum - a combo of Silk Cut ciggie smoke and Opium perfume. Red was very much Mum's colour and I could 'see' her walking towards me in the shopping centre in town on a Friday morning and me thinking what a lucky sod I was to have such a smart looking mother. I kept the scarf in a drawer and I'd take it out to breathe 'her' in when I was missing her the most and it really did help me. Eventually, the smell faded and the day that I could no longer smell the perfume and ciggie smoke was the day I started to wear the scarf myself. Ten years later, I still have the it, and the memory of meeting Mum in town is as clear as ever.

[Fishmanpa]

When my mum died, my brothers and I walked around the house and chose the things which meant something to us as individuals. There was no arguing or squabbling like with some families. It was actually a lovely experience if that makes any sense? Because there were a lot of memories connected to those objects

That's the way it was when my Mom passed and yes, it makes total sense. My sister and I took certain things that meant something to us or we could use and she wanted each of us to have certain things (we have her China set which I recall from childhood). These items are now a part of our home and it's as if a piece of her is always with us

Positive thoughts

[NoraB]

My sister and I took certain things that meant something to us or we could use and she wanted each of us to have certain things (we have her China set which I recall from childhood). These items are now a part of our home and it's as if a piece of her is always with us

Positive thoughts

We had a biscuit tin that I remember as a child. I don't know what happened to it, but I don't recall it making the move with us in the early 80s. I've been looking online to see if I can get the same one, but so far I've found two (America) so postage is more than the tin, and they're not in great condition. I'll keep looking, one's bound to turn up in the UK on Ebay!

[Catkins]

I haven't got much from my mum to be honest. I have a ring that my husband made for her that she absolutely loved and a scarf.

I think I was so overwhelmed with it at the time that I just wanted her back and didn't want her stuff, also it was all a bit surreal

I'm sure if I wanted anything else my stepdad would be fine with it. Maybe in time

[NoraB]

I haven't got much from my mum to be honest. I have a ring that my husband made for her that she absolutely loved and a scarf.

I think I was so overwhelmed with it at the time that I just wanted her back and didn't want her stuff, also it was all a bit surreal

I'm sure if I wanted anything else my stepdad would be fine with it. Maybe in time

Without sounding weird, I also took my mum's hairbrush home with me..

Main reason is that nobody was allowed to use her hairbrush except her. She was all OCD about it. When I was a teenager, if she caught me using it to back-comb my massive hairdo - she'd go nuts, so her death was was the only time that I could get away with messing with her hairbrush, though the lights did flicker a bit.

Still use it today. Best hairbrush I ever had.

[flatterycat]

Hello Catkins

I just wanted to say I really understand how you feel. I lost my mum on March 6th this year. She had been ill but was having treatment but it was unexpected and sudden. She died in her sleep. My mum and dad also slept in separate rooms because of dad’s snoring. Dad called 999 when he found her and had to perform cpr until the ambulance turned up even though he knew she had died. When I arrived the ambulance had just turned up. I still feel devastated and can’t get my head around it. I organised mum’s service which was a really busy time, but once it was over I have felt so very, very sad. I feel guilty that my HA is now bad again and I’m just thinking of myself and I feel anxious a lot of the time.
I just thought I’d share this with you as your story was so similar to mine. X

I don't know if this is where I should put this thread. But as I'm suffering with GAD I thought I'd put it in here as I think it's one of the contributing factors. I thought it might help me to have a place to write down how I'm feeling and maybe get feedback?

On February 6th this year my mum died suddenly. She'd had a very complicated medical history, T2 diabetes, COPD, underactive thyroid, fibromyalgia, IBS, anxiety, agoraphobia, kidney disease to name a few. She died on a Saturday morning, her and my stepdad had been up and had breakfast but went back to bed for a couple of hours - in separate rooms as if he drinks he snores more, so that was their custom on a weekend. He woke up at around 9 and went through to the living room and she was sat on the sofa dead.

He called an ambulance and attempted CPR. But unfortunately there was nothing he or the paramedics could do. He phoned me at just before 10 to tell me and I rushed round to their house (10 mins away).

It was such an awful shock, I knew she would die eventually but when I got up that morning it was the furthest thing from my mind. My stepdad was in such an awful state it fell to me to phone my sister and my brother to tell them. It was awful. My sister screamed and fell to pieces, my brother was calmer but still in a terrible state.

It was an awful, awful day. I made multiple phone calls to people to let them know over the next few days it was horrible. One relative my stepdad asked me to call (mum's aunt) was as vague as fudge and barely understood what/who I was talking about.

Why am I going through this again? I don't know. I was walking the dog this morning and I couldn't stop thinking about her, my mum that is, I feel I need to get some of what's in my head out as I think I've very much battled on and tried to be supportive to my stepdad etc. But I think it's all contributed to my current state.

When anxiety hits it's just awful and I feel I'm having to do everything and anything I can to help myself. Maybe this well help?

[Catkins]

Very similar. It's still tough. Some days I feel OK, others a complete maelstrom of emotion.