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Thread: Hey everyone!!

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2021
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    105

    Hey everyone!!

    I've been around here a while now, so I thought I might as well introduce myself. (possible trigger warning for content below: fatal car accidents, cancer, and suicide mentioned)

    I'm 23 years old and have been dealing with anxiety mixed with panic attacks since early high school. In my sophomore year of high school, I got into a car accident with my sister that totaled the car/the air bags detonated. After that experience, my anxiety started to become more health focused. I had a feeling like I was supposed to die in that accident and I no longer felt completely safe going about my day-to-day life. Then, a year later, my sister got into another car accident on the same bridge we had gotten into an accident on previously, and she passed away in a head-on collision. This almost felt like fate; like it was confirming somewhat that I was supposed to die the year prior. That if I had died my sister wouldn't.

    A week after my sister passed, my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. He was given six months to live, and made it 8. In the last few months, he was hardly ever lucid and the morphine gave him very vivid dreams and hallucinations. He never seemed rested or at peace and was always in pain. The chemo made him feel even worse. He begged for us to put him out of his misery. He passed away at the start of my senior year of high school. This is around the time where I started fearing Cancer and worrying that I may have it.

    Four years later, my brother committed suicide and I found the body. I have a lot of guilt associated with this as I noticed something was wrong a few months prior, but didn't do enough to help.

    So all of these deaths combined with my anxiety and underlying hormonal imbalances/vitamin deficiencies/etc. which led me to having a massive breakdown in January 2020 right at the start of the second semester of my fourth year of college (and, ironically, also when COVID started). I haven't been the same since. I keep having cycles of very severe anxiety and nocturnal panic attacks that make it nearly impossible to sleep or function interspersed between months of relative normalcy. This combined with some legitimate pain I've been having after eating has basically made my life feel like a living hell. When it gets really really bad, I just want to rip out all of the things that are making my health anxiety flare.

    I probably have some PTSD that I need to work through along with me HA, and I am planning on getting scheduled for some EMDR and maybe seeing if I can get into contact with a therapist that specializes in HA (if that is a thing?).

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    8,333

    Welcome to No More Panic!

    Hiya AbyssalStars and welcome to NMP

    Why not take a look at our articles on our home page, they contain a wealth of information and
    are a great starting place for your time on the forum.

    I hope you find the as site helpful and informative as I have and that you get the help and
    support you need here and hope that you meet a few friends along the way
    __________________
    Emmz xx

    nolite te basstardes carborundorum





  3. #3
    Join Date
    May 2021
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    Re: Hey everyone!!

    🙋*♀️

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2021
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    105

    Re: Hey everyone!!

    Hey Catkins! I saw your post. I'm sorry that you are struggling too. It's not fun watching family members suffer. I hope they get better soon. It sounds like they are having GI issues like the ones that I am having too.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
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    Re: Hey everyone!!

    Quote Originally Posted by AbyssalStars View Post

    Four years later, my brother committed suicide and I found the body. I have a lot of guilt associated with this as I noticed something was wrong a few months prior, but didn't do enough to help.
    Hi Abs, wow, that's quite the history you have there. It must have been very hard for you to go through those things. When trauma isn't worked through, it sits in the body and we start developing conditions like, IBS, acid reflux, fibromyalgia etc. The emotional pain turns into physical pain if you get me?

    You're not responsible for your brother's suicide, and I know you believe that the consciousness survives death given your comment on another thread - so I have no problems in saying that he'd be sad to know that you think this way. Do you dream about him at all?

    I did tarot cards for my mum and I knew that my dad was going to die. At the time, he was seemingly well but he died of cancer 12 months later. What this meant was that I was prepared and made the time for him because I knew his time was short. I also had a visitation dream about my deceased maternal grandmother (visitation) at the time my mother was dying. It was still a trauma because there was no time to process the dream before I was being told that Mum had died. In hindsight, I was being prepared, and most importantly, I knew my mum wasn't really alone when she died. I also had a dream that my uncle was going to die, and he did; six weeks after my dad. These are simply ways of preparing us for what's coming but we have no influence over when somebody dies. When it's their time, it's their time.

    You've experienced a lot of death and trauma and at a young age; it's bound to have had an effect on you. The way I see it? You're still here, and the best way to honour the memories of those who are not is to live your 'best' life - regardless of what life has thrown at you and what it will continue to do so.

    All the best with the therapy and good on you for being proactive. X
    __________________
    A thought is harmless unless we believe it.

  6. #6
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    Feb 2021
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    Re: Hey everyone!!

    Thanks for your insight Nora! It's much appreciated.

    I definitely agree that my brother wouldn't want me to feel responsible for my death. Sadly, it's really difficult to control the guilt, even though I logically know this to be true. No, I don't really get visitation dreams besides the one where he was preparing me to find his body. I haven't had a true visitation dream for any of my deceased loved ones. The closest I have gotten is that dream where the nice lady (spirit guide? higher self?) came and told me that both my siblings were with me. I think that I might be unconsciously blocking them out; I don't think I'm at a point in life where I am ready for a visitation dream, y'know? That, or my grief/anxiety is getting in the way of contact.

    The thing is, with my brother, I had a bit of warning months in advance. One of my college friends uses tarot cards and did a reading, and looking back at it, it was clear that what was coming through was related to my brother, but I didn't connect the dots at the time because I didn't have all the information about the situation. This feeds into the guilt too, because I feel like I should have known, and yet I didn't. I think my sister was frustrated with me too, 'cause she kicked over the deck of cards after the reading.

    This is a bit random, but tarot cards are so cool! I've been considering making my own deck for a while now. In the dream I mentioned with the nice lady, she helped me draw from a deck of Disney princess themed cards, and the card I drew had Sleeping Beauty and Belle side-by-side, and I knew it represented me and my sister and how close we are. I've wanted to make my own Disney-themed tarot deck ever since.

  7. #7
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    Re: Hey everyone!!

    Quote Originally Posted by AbyssalStars View Post
    Thanks for your insight Nora! It's much appreciated.

    I definitely agree that my brother wouldn't want me to feel responsible for my death. Sadly, it's really difficult to control the guilt, even though I logically know this to be true. No, I don't really get visitation dreams besides the one where he was preparing me to find his body. I haven't had a true visitation dream for any of my deceased loved ones. The closest I have gotten is that dream where the nice lady (spirit guide? higher self?) came and told me that both my siblings were with me. I think that I might be unconsciously blocking them out; I don't think I'm at a point in life where I am ready for a visitation dream, y'know? That, or my grief/anxiety is getting in the way of contact.
    Re visitation dreams; I think we get those when we need them, not when we necessarily want them, but severe anxiety interferes with the ability to receive, for sure.

    The thing is, with my brother, I had a bit of warning months in advance. One of my college friends uses tarot cards and did a reading, and looking back at it, it was clear that what was coming through was related to my brother, but I didn't connect the dots at the time because I didn't have all the information about the situation. This feeds into the guilt too, because I feel like I should have known, and yet I didn't. I think my sister was frustrated with me too, 'cause she kicked over the deck of cards after the reading.
    Bottom line: you are not responsible for your brother's death.

    This is a bit random, but tarot cards are so cool! I've been considering making my own deck for a while now. In the dream I mentioned with the nice lady, she helped me draw from a deck of Disney princess themed cards, and the card I drew had Sleeping Beauty and Belle side-by-side, and I knew it represented me and my sister and how close we are. I've wanted to make my own Disney-themed tarot deck ever since.
    I use angel cards now. Haven't used traditional tarot for years. I have a lovely set which feel right to me. Making your own set sounds really good!

    This lady who visited you... could it be a relative that you're not aware of? Many years ago, I met a bloke in meditation who introduced himself as 'Samuel'. I didn't know him but got the feeling that he 'knew' me very well. I presumed 'guide'. Then a few weeks ago my cousin messaged me because he'd done our family tree and I'd asked him for any info he had. Apparently, my great, great, great grandfather was called Samuel, so it might have been him I met?

    Back to the dream you had with your brother; was there a door that didn't belong there? In all my visitation dreams, there's been a door that doesn't belong there, but it can be any kind of barrier - even a fence..

    I like to think the angels have a sense of humour with me. The day before the gender of my son's baby was revealed, I asked if it was a boy or girl, and out of a 50+ card pack, I got the 'patience' card lol.
    __________________
    A thought is harmless unless we believe it.

  8. #8
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    Feb 2021
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    Re: Hey everyone!!

    It could be a relative! I don't know a whole lot about either side of my family, plus I am not technically genetically related to my mom, so that's another area that I am not aware of either.

    About the dream I had with my brother, no there was not a door. It was less a visitation dream and more like I had an out of body experience in which my brother's spirit guided my "soul" away from my body, down the stairs, and to where his body was in physical reality. So what I was seeing was reality, if that makes sense?

    Lol about patience! Since I was part of a group of multiples and I was hiding behind my siblings, they couldn't tell if I was a boy or a girl, so my parents had to plan out two different names just in case.

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