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Thread: Newly Single Male Here

  1. #11
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
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    2,702

    Re: Newly Single Male Here

    Quote Originally Posted by WiredIncorrectly View Post
    Thank you all. I'm still not sure what happened yesterday, but this morning I asked if we can talk and she gave me a big hug.

    I'm not a saint at all because it must be hard living with somebody with the problems I have. She said she just wants to see me get out and be normal.

    Today we went for a walk around the woods with our son and had a chat. It was a lovely time and it made me realize I can push myself harder.

    Everything is ok at the moment. I need to help out around the house more, especially when she's at college. I can do that.

    I really do love her, and so long as she hasn't cheated (which she hasn't) I'm ok for giving it a shot. I've also applied back to University to finish my 2 years. Fingers crossed I get in!
    I expected this tbh...

    Things are often said in the heat of the moment and it's often the case that it's a 'situation' that somebody wants away from, rather than the person who is creating it..

    Relationships are hard work for most people. I find it very hard to share a house with someone - always have. I mean, it's hard being me. Life is hard, existence is hard, so it stands to reason that folks like me with issues (and different yet magnificent brains) are going to be difficult to live with, right? Even so, I compromise where I can and get therapy if needed. Couple's counselling btw can be very helpful, but I'd advise a therapist who understands mental health issues and neurological differences..

    Try and get help with the agoraphobia, and the next time you feel anxious about leaving the house - think of your lovely walk in the woods and how good it felt to be there.

    Very few couples sail through life, James. Most relationships are work in progress. Hubs and I struggled massively during the pandemic and him working from home, and this doesn't bode well for his retirement! But with some give and take on both sides - we got there. Neither of us ended up down that massive manhole in our backyard.
    __________________
    Fall Down Seven Times, Get Up Eight.

  2. #12
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    13,457

    Re: Newly Single Male Here

    Glad to hear that all is well, James..

    Maybe you should amend your thread title now ..?!!

  3. #13
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    Mar 2016
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    2,702

    Re: Newly Single Male Here

    Quote Originally Posted by pulisa View Post
    Glad to hear that all is well, James..

    Maybe you should amend your thread title now ..?!!
    In a relationship?

    Mine should always read: it's complicated (because it always is)
    __________________
    Fall Down Seven Times, Get Up Eight.

  4. #14
    Join Date
    May 2021
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    682

    Re: Newly Single Male Here

    What a turn around!

    I'm back home with my husband, to be honest I'm not sure it's the right thing, I'm going to give it a go though.

  5. #15
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    22,976

    Re: Newly Single Male Here

    Wired... I'm glad to hear how things are turning out.

    I've shared this a few times over the years but my 1st marriage ended due to my ex's mental illness. She suffered from severe depression which manifested itself into hoarding. We had been married 13 years, had two small children and it was a very difficult situation. Things had been bad for several years. I knew we needed help but she continually refused to go to counseling. Then, one day, our then 5yo daughter asked... "How come you and daddy don't hug and kiss like other mommies and daddies?"

    That was the catalyst she needed and she finally allowed me to book some marriage counseling. We went to two sessions, the counselor heard everything that had been going on, and then she said she wanted to see us separately as she realized the extent of my wife's mental illness. She went to two sessions and quit. That's was, for me, the straw that broke the camel's back. By giving up on herself, it was also giving up on me and our marriage. I continued with my sessions, trying to find ways to cope but things at home were getting worse. The hoarding was out of control and I would literally collect the crap and secretly take it to the dump when she was out of the house with the kids! It got to the point that even the counselor thought it would be best for me to move out. She actually said, "My job and ultimate goal is to keep families together but this is a very toxic situation and it's doing more harm staying together at this point". I left a few months after that and we divorced a year later. It truly the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life (especially since young children were involved) and the consequences for all involved have had repercussions to this day.

    I tell you all this to encourage you to work hard on yourself and especially your mental health. I don't know what the future would have been in my case but I do know I wouldn't have left when I did if my ex was putting in the effort to help herself and us and things may have turned out differently.

    Positive thoughts
    Last edited by Fishmanpa; 01-06-21 at 19:34.
    __________________
    "Eat. Drink. Enjoy the work you do. Be thankful for the blessings God gives you in this life. Live, love and seek out the things that bring your heart joy. The rest is meaningless... Like chasing the wind." King Solomon

    The best help is the help you give yourself! http://cbt4panic.org/

  6. #16
    Join Date
    Jun 2018
    Posts
    960

    Re: Newly Single Male Here

    Quote Originally Posted by Fishmanpa View Post
    Wired... I'm glad to hear how things are turning out.

    I've shared this a few times over the years but my 1st marriage ended due to my ex's mental illness. She suffered from severe depression which manifested itself into hoarding. We had been married 13 years, had two small children and it was a very difficult situation. Things had been bad for several years. I knew we needed help but she continually refused to go to counseling. Then, one day, our then 5yo daughter asked... "How come you and daddy don't hug and kiss like other mommies and daddies?"

    That was the catalyst she needed and she finally allowed me to book some marriage counseling. We went to two sessions, the counselor heard everything that had been going on, and then she said she wanted to see us separately as she realized the extent of my wife's mental illness. She went to two sessions and quit. That's was, for me, the straw that broke the camel's back. By giving up on herself, it was also giving up on me and our marriage. I continued with my sessions, trying to find ways to cope but things at home were getting worse. The hoarding was out of control and I would literally collect the crap and secretly take it to the dump when she was out of the house with the kids! It got to the point that even the counselor thought it would be best for me to move out. She actually said, "My job and ultimate goal is to keep families together but this is a very toxic situation and it's doing more harm staying together at this point". I left a few months after that and we divorced a year later. It truly the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life (especially since young children were involved) and the consequences for all involved have had repercussions to this day.

    I tell you all this to encourage you to work hard on yourself and especially your mental health. I don't know what the future would have been in my case but I do know I wouldn't have left when I did if my ex was putting in the effort to help herself and us and things may have turned out differently.

    Positive thoughts
    Hi FMP, sorry to barge in, but your post caught my eye. Very sorry to hear about the troubles with your first wife, that must have been extremely tough. My uncle, who has pan can, has been a serial hoarder his entire life. He paints as a hobby and I counted 500 canvasses of finished and unfinished artwork in his house while helping clean it after his diagnosis - along with huge plastic boxes of paint tubes, brushes - mostly expired and ruined. He has multiple versions of same objects - torches, watches, clothing, kitchen equipment, antiques etc. The house has been liveable, but each room is absolutely jam packed. The main issue in his life has been the inability to throw things out - he still had lots of my grandparents clothing in the house which he couldn't bear to move on.

    Just wanted to see what you think is behind such a mental issue and if you're ex-partner sorted out the hoarding? Obviously, it's too late for my uncle now, but I can't help to think his life would have been much nicer without that mental burden of constantly buying and the stress of making sure things didn't get thrown out.

  7. #17
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    Aug 2013
    Posts
    22,976

    Re: Newly Single Male Here

    Quote Originally Posted by MrLurcher View Post
    Just wanted to see what you think is behind such a mental issue and if you're ex-partner sorted out the hoarding?
    I have no idea what is behind this disorder. Her mother suffered from hoarding as their home was always cluttered to the max. In fact, you could barely get through the basement through all the junk. My ex became severely depressed after the birth of our daughter/2nd child. She started following the same pattern of saving magazines, clothes etc. Our basement soon became a mirror of her mother's house. I would try to get rid of things and she would freak out. Long story short, after we separated, if she didn't sort it out, I would have taken custody of the kids. I had photos of the clutter which left her little choice to get it together.

    I was also allowed to go into the house and clean it up. As I stated, I would do this while she was out with the kids. This way, she really would have no idea of what was disposed of. Fortunately, my kids knew what was up and they were pretty much the opposite. She eventually did seek help and now, she lives with her Mom again. The house is reasonable as my kids have helped her clean up in addition to her efforts.

    FMP
    __________________
    "Eat. Drink. Enjoy the work you do. Be thankful for the blessings God gives you in this life. Live, love and seek out the things that bring your heart joy. The rest is meaningless... Like chasing the wind." King Solomon

    The best help is the help you give yourself! http://cbt4panic.org/

  8. #18
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    , , United Kingdom.
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    404

    Re: Newly Single Male Here

    I've just come to the conclusion over the years that relationships only succeed with an element of give and take, accommodation between the two parties and sometimes distancing (absence makes the heart grow fonder??). When it comes to point when one party is doing all the giving and the other just taking, then it is time to confront or to call a halt.

    What I think is important is to have a sense of self worth and reliance, where you can maintain a level of not having to depend on another person to validate or support that sense of well being and/or happiness. I suffered from all the things that you are going through - panic attacks, agoraphobia and continued anxiety, but that was induced by the termination of a significant relationship which ended badly and left me feeling utterly worthless. Since then I have learned self-reliance and pushed myself back out into the world, gaining a doctorate, good job and a feeling of value to myself and to others. Now perfectly content to just deal with myself and in times of crisis just get through it myself (or come onto this forum to talk to all of us who can understand and have experienced what you are suffering in terms of mental health). That's what we are all hear for - to lend a hand and shoulder to lean on.

    Hope you work things out in a way which benefits you.
    __________________
    Dorabella

  9. #19
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
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    2,011

    Re: Newly Single Male Here

    Sorry if I seemed ignorant folks. There's a wealth of solid information in this thread. I can't comment on it all, but thank you.
    __________________
    I am the king of typos. There's no reason for waiting to follow your dreams, you never know if you're going to be able to later in life.

    Medications: 40mg Quitapine, 40mg Paroxatine, 300mg Promazine, 6mg-10mg Diazepam
    Diagnosis: Panic disorder, General anxiety, Agoraphobia, Depression, Aspergers.

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