Anxiety surrounding my neighbors?

[Fishmanpa]

Its funny.... I grew up in the time before technology took over the world. We used to get excited by a knock on the door as it would always be someone you knew. Now? NOPE! We live in a relatively quiet neighborhood but I still wouldn't just open the door willy nilly if someone knocked. We recently got a Ring system (saw the neighbor had one and asked about it. Its pretty cool actually) and its come in handy for us as it alerts us for packages and such. My wife does a lot of ordering from Amazon, Ebay and the like so its been a good addition to the house. And we have Tasha who has a big scary bark so that helps

Security systems, cameras and such aren't that costly and can offer security but as is often seen on the boards, you run the risk of becoming obsessed with checking (especially if you have OCD tendencies) and for some, just like other monitoring a symptom and/or devices, it can increase your anxiety if everything doesn't read 100% perfect.

I do hope you find some peace. You worked hard to get to where you're at in being a homeowner and hopefully, you'll be able to make it your 'home' without the worry.

FMP

[.Poppy.]

Thanks, FMP. I do have a Ring doorbell, as well as the security kit so I know if doors are opened and I have a motion sensor in my basement, plus a camera in my living room and another in my basement. It's not perfect but it is something. I do have to keep myself from checking in on my dog too much during the day, and I don't set the alarm at night because there have been times it's gone off for no real reason, like the front door sensor registers a disconnect even though it's still closed and locked. That's happened a couple of times when I'm away from the house and I've panicked every time, but been able to look at the system and my camera and determine the issue. It's a lot worse when I'm asleep and the alarm starts going off .

It's still hard to leave my boy, and I don't know if that will ever be easier. I still do leave quickly and have to look around because I'm always a little afraid someone will watch me leave and think that's the prime time to try and break in. My boy does have a pretty booming bark for such a little guy, but I'd really prefer if something happened that he would run and hide because I wouldn't want him to be in any danger.

I still have to push out intrusive thoughts, but I'm working on it.

Also the most random of fears - my walls and baseboards will, from time to time, just turn yellow. Like my walls will drip yellow stuff, or yellow patches will appear on my baseboards even if I've just repainted them. I had thought my dog had been having accidents, but it happened before we moved in as well and it doesn't smell or anything, and obviously he's not urinating high up on the wall anyway. Today I was in my kitchen and I noticed yellow stuff on my brand new blinds. No odor, but when I tried to wipe it off I noticed it's very thick and sticky, almost like sap. I haven't really cooked much, and nothing that could have caused that. So now I sit here hoping that my house isn't haunted, on top of everything else. Like I'm aware that sounds ridiculous, but my mind just runs wild when there is no explanation.

EDIT: I posted on Reddit to see if anyone had suggestions about the issue and the thought was that a smoker probably lived in my house before I bought it and they just repainted the walls, but it's bleeding through. That's definitely a possibility, but I'm not sure why it would be on my new blinds (and they don't seem to know either). So now it's either my house is haunted or someone has broken in and decided to have a nice smoke while I wasn't around (unlikely for several reasons, I think). Not sure which I would find scarier, lol. Just wish it could be as simple as saying "hm, that's weird" instead of instantly catastrophizing, but I guess that's the nature of the beast.

[.Poppy.]

Okay, so after reading Reddit responses and freaking out about the concept of thirdhand smoke exposure, I realized that it's happening a lot on baseboards and drywall that I know is brand new, so the consensus is that it's something called "surfactant leaching" that is pretty common, especially if there is humidity. A bit weird, but harmless. The blinds are still odd, but am wondering if it could have dripped down from the boards around the windows.

So yeah, that was a really weird tangent/freakout but am feeling a lot better about it now.

[.Poppy.]

I'm posting here again because I just needed to let it out. I'm hoping I can access some therapy again after the holidays because I think that would be a good next step, it's just become increasingly difficult to get appointments where I'm at.

I was honestly doing pretty well. I hadn't been doing a lot of the checking around the house, at least not to the extent that I was before, and I was feeling better about leaving for the day, etc. I even had some nights where I slept without the TV on, or was able to take some cold medicine before bed (I've been getting over something I caught from my niece/nephew).

But after the news about what happened in Idaho, I've kind of unraveled again. I don't live anywhere near Idaho, but it's so frightening. I find myself hoping that it ends up being someone they knew, because the idea that it could be totally random is even scarier. It's also terrifying that you could have a moment where you just smile at the wrong person, or come across as rude to the wrong person, and that ends up having consequences. I used to think that if I didn't live alone I'd feel safer, but that idea has gone out the window. I also used to feel a lot safer when my neighbors to my right were home, or when I'd go outside and see lights on in the houses around me, but that's not really a thing anymore either.

I tell myself that I'm at least fortunate enough to have my dog; there is absolutely no one that could enter my house that he wouldn't lose his mind over. I'm not sure if it's shameful or not, but I do also sleep with bear spray on my nightstand, as if that could make me feel safer. Still, it's hard. I haven't slept super well, and I still have my cold but won't take cough syrup at night because I'm afraid of sleeping too deeply. I've started doing thorough sweeps of my house before I go to bed. It's gotten hard for me to leave during the day as well because I don't like leaving my dog and cat behind.

Once nice thing is that I'll be able to go home for Thanksgiving, and I'm taking my dog and cat along so I can lock up and not have to worry about them being alone. It's a long story, but both cat and dog will have to stay in separate outbuildings at my parents' house, but I'm very fortunate that they have the ability to accommodate that, and that my mom was really understanding when I said I didn't want to have to leave either one alone. My nephew will be really excited to see my cat too.

But, still. It's hard feeling afraid and not knowing what the "appropriate" level of fear in a situation like this should be. This feels harder than when I struggled with HA, maybe because my HA felt really isolated to just me? Like there was less of an external threat. I don't know. It helps to just type things out sometimes while I wait to access some other help, so if you've read this thank you.