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Thread: Help please? Major blip right now

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2018
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    Help please? Major blip right now

    So I know I'm always quite mouthy on here and always talking about small victories.

    The truth is, though, that I'm really not coping right now. My depression's worse than it has been since I started citalopram a couple of years ago, and it's getting to the point where the suicidal thoughts are back and I basically feel like the most worthless person in the world.

    To be fair, I have work crap going on and I *think* some of my colleagues are probably being jerks. It's hard to tell, though, when I know I'm not thinking straight. I'm struggling to get stuff done at work and at home, I don't enjoy life any more and work stuff has had me close to tears several times this week, when I've barely cried at all since I started the cit. I've let my meditation slip, as well, but that might be cause or might be effect. I can't trust myself any more, so I'm back to the point where I'm blaming myself for everything in my life that makes me unhappy. Heck, we've been overspending a bit lately and this became (in my mind) a major crisis this morning when I realised I accidentally threw out my sandwich box (more money wasted).

    Not sure whether to visit the GP because I'd rather not up my meds, but I do wonder whether the citalopram's given out on me or whether I'm just a complete failure.

    I feel like I'm drowning, and what I really want to do is walk away from my job and hide in bed for the rest of my life.
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    Sometimes, it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness. - Terry Pratchett

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
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    3,425

    Re: Help please? Major blip right now

    Lovely, let me start with: youíre not a complete failure. Youíre not any type of failure at all. Youíre an absolute shining star. No it might be losing its sparkle at the moment, but it wonít last for long.

    Iím a big advocate of speaking to your doctor but I do know thatís your worst nightmare so other options are maybe speaking to someone like mind or one of the other mental health charities?

    I know that you donít have a very supportive boss, but is she part of the problem? Or could you try speaking to her.

    Could you book some leave? Itís not a fix, but Iíve done just that today so I can try and catch up on some life admin.

    What does your husband say?

    X


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  3. #3
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    Re: Help please? Major blip right now

    Thanks, Scass, it means a lot to hear.

    I've spoken to my husband, he thinks I should work on self-care for a couple of weeks and then speak to the GP once the college has broken up and I won't have to deal with so much stress from colleagues. I've got three weeks of leave coming up if I can hold out another month - I try to save some for emergencies but my boss likes me to book it as early as possible.

    Technically I have two bosses, one of whom is fine right now and one of whom is guilt tripping me for stuff beyond my control, which I don't need.

    The worst thing is I've reached the point where I don't trust myself to know if I'm being weird or not, so I don't feel comfortable being around most people right now.
    __________________
    ************************************************** ********
    Sometimes, it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness. - Terry Pratchett

  4. #4
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    May 2021
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    Re: Help please? Major blip right now

    Oh BI, I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time.

    I'm probably not in a great position right now to offer words of wisdom, but I wanted to let you know that you are not worthless, you have been really supportive to me since I joined this site and I know you have helped many other people on here over the years.

    I would say, if you can, try and speak to your GP. Alternatively you could contact the local Mind for a bit of support? I don't know about where you are but up here they have a phone line you can contact them on for support and I think they have counsellors available too.

  5. #5
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    Re: Help please? Major blip right now

    Thanks, Catkins (love your username, by the way - it makes me think of hazel trees, then hazelnuts )

    The plan is to give work stress a chance to dissipate once we break up for summer and most of the team are away, then if I'm still feeling awful I'll see the GP. I'm not anxious to up my meds, but I recognise it may be necessary.

    I love Mind! I've actually been liaising with them to work with the college as part of City of Culture year. I've had sessions with them before but it just all goes horribly wrong, I go into full-on smiley "everything is fine" mode and I can't open up.
    __________________
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    Sometimes, it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness. - Terry Pratchett

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
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    311

    Re: Help please? Major blip right now

    Hi BI.

    I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Know what.. it was YOU that first reached out to me here at this forum when I got here and I never forgot it.

    I'm also on escitalopram and unsure if its working because I have deep lows too.

    You aren't worthless or a failure - I think you are a beautiful person and help many people here. You've helped me.

  7. #7
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    Re: Help please? Major blip right now

    Thanks, Scissel, you've always seemed like a kind soul to me.

    I'm sure this will pass, it's just tough while I'm in the middle of it.
    __________________
    ************************************************** ********
    Sometimes, it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness. - Terry Pratchett

  8. #8
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    Re: Help please? Major blip right now

    Quote Originally Posted by BlueIris View Post
    Thanks, Scass, it means a lot to hear.

    I've spoken to my husband, he thinks I should work on self-care for a couple of weeks and then speak to the GP once the college has broken up and I won't have to deal with so much stress from colleagues. I've got three weeks of leave coming up if I can hold out another month - I try to save some for emergencies but my boss likes me to book it as early as possible.

    Technically I have two bosses, one of whom is fine right now and one of whom is guilt tripping me for stuff beyond my control, which I don't need.

    The worst thing is I've reached the point where I don't trust myself to know if I'm being weird or not, so I don't feel comfortable being around most people right now.
    What are your self care plans? Start with something tiny and work up if you feel like it.

    Try to take away the emotions at work and just work on the facts. Do your job and let everyone else get on with their own. I know itís hard. Maybe try some mantras or affirmations in the morning to help with your self confidence.

    Youíre so much stronger than you think.

    Also, I am always here. PM if you want to, but if you donít want to, thatís fine too. Iíll be keeping my eye on you x


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  9. #9
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    Nov 2018
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    Re: Help please? Major blip right now

    Quote Originally Posted by Scass View Post
    What are your self care plans? Start with something tiny and work up if you feel like it.

    Try to take away the emotions at work and just work on the facts. Do your job and let everyone else get on with their own. I know it’s hard. Maybe try some mantras or affirmations in the morning to help with your self confidence.

    You’re so much stronger than you think.

    Also, I am always here. PM if you want to, but if you don’t want to, that’s fine too. I’ll be keeping my eye on you x


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    I've emailed my friend and said her birthday beading commission may take longer than planned. Going to have a tepid shower when I get in (this weather really doesn't agree with me) then do a five minute guided meditation just to start getting myself back into the habit.

    Will drop you a line soon, between the weather and the depression all I can really think about right now is sleep.
    __________________
    ************************************************** ********
    Sometimes, it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness. - Terry Pratchett

  10. #10
    Join Date
    May 2021
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    708

    Re: Help please? Major blip right now

    Quote Originally Posted by BlueIris View Post

    I've had sessions with them before but it just all goes horribly wrong, I go into full-on smiley "everything is fine" mode and I can't open up.
    I also have a tendency to do this, I told my new therapist yesterday that I might show signs of doing this so as not to hurt her feelings. She told me she is very good at seeing through it and that I don't have to hold back on her account as she is well looked after. I hope she's right!

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