Hi Pulisa thanks for replying I know you have huge problems yourself and don’t know how the hell you cope with them , I guess no choice but to get on with it , I feel a failure because I don’t cope well with illness and death , it’s been twenty years since my dad died and I still feel guilty for bringing him home from hospital when they had misdiagnosed him , they made the mistake but I feel the guilt , I can’t help but carry the guilt of my mum either , just another boulder in my rucksack.
I know I shouldn’t jump to worst case scenario but this is how my tired mind works , I even fast forward to funerals , it’s like a dog with a bone it won’t let go it just keeps chewing at it morning noon and night .
Ive wasted so much of my life worrying instead of living , last year it was my daughters diagnosis with ms months of worry and it didn’t change the outcome , my mum being ill, my brother being suicidal, my partner having one health issue after another , right now as always I feel like I’m holding my breath hoping things will be okay putting life on hold until things workout, I won’t enjoy anything until it’s sorted and if I do enjoy some time I think I will have to pay a price for that happiness, my kids and grandkids are my reason for sticking around , the last bit of enjoyment was weeks ago when me and my grandson ran into a river and wet each other through , I got bollocked because he had his shoes on but it was worth it , I won’t allow myself any happiness now until this is sorted or I think I’ll jinx it , yeah I know f@@ked up thinking .
I have no plans to do anything so don’t worry anyone I just feel like it’s not worth living right now but I know life can turn on a sixpence either way .
I do ring my brother because I know he feels more guilty than me and he is still finding it very hard , hopefully we can meet up at mums ashes next week , I went there this morning to have a chat with her , an old woman I talk to dog walking called miserable so it must show , even my dog won’t leave me alone she knows I not happy so she’s trying to sit on my lap all the time .
well here goes for another shit nights sleep , bloody hope I feel better tomorrow.
Thank you x