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Thread: Struggling

  1. #151
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    1,854

    Re: Struggling

    Hi Pulisa thanks for replying I know you have huge problems yourself and don’t know how the hell you cope with them , I guess no choice but to get on with it , I feel a failure because I don’t cope well with illness and death , it’s been twenty years since my dad died and I still feel guilty for bringing him home from hospital when they had misdiagnosed him , they made the mistake but I feel the guilt , I can’t help but carry the guilt of my mum either , just another boulder in my rucksack.
    I know I shouldn’t jump to worst case scenario but this is how my tired mind works , I even fast forward to funerals , it’s like a dog with a bone it won’t let go it just keeps chewing at it morning noon and night .
    Ive wasted so much of my life worrying instead of living , last year it was my daughters diagnosis with ms months of worry and it didn’t change the outcome , my mum being ill, my brother being suicidal, my partner having one health issue after another , right now as always I feel like I’m holding my breath hoping things will be okay putting life on hold until things workout, I won’t enjoy anything until it’s sorted and if I do enjoy some time I think I will have to pay a price for that happiness, my kids and grandkids are my reason for sticking around , the last bit of enjoyment was weeks ago when me and my grandson ran into a river and wet each other through , I got bollocked because he had his shoes on but it was worth it , I won’t allow myself any happiness now until this is sorted or I think I’ll jinx it , yeah I know f@@ked up thinking .
    I have no plans to do anything so don’t worry anyone I just feel like it’s not worth living right now but I know life can turn on a sixpence either way .
    I do ring my brother because I know he feels more guilty than me and he is still finding it very hard , hopefully we can meet up at mums ashes next week , I went there this morning to have a chat with her , an old woman I talk to dog walking called miserable so it must show , even my dog won’t leave me alone she knows I not happy so she’s trying to sit on my lap all the time .
    well here goes for another shit nights sleep , bloody hope I feel better tomorrow.
    Thank you x

  2. #152
    Join Date
    May 2021
    Posts
    1,050

    Re: Struggling

    So sorry you're having a tough time Buster. Hang on in there, it's so tough dealing with grief on top of everything else. Them making a mistake on your dad's diagnosis wasn't your fault and don't feel guilty about your mum either, you did what was best for her at the time.

    I hope all goes well with you wife's mammogram.

  3. #153
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    13,997

    Re: Struggling

    I hate platitudes so forgive me if I give you some, Buster..The way I see it is that you can't keep trying to work out the future because you'll just think of the worst possible outcomes and that will just make you even more depressed and frightened. I cope by putting myself on auto pilot and trying to deal with whatever is thrown at me-some times I cope better than others but the main thing is to keep going. Just to keep going. For yourself. Depression makes life a horrible quagmire to trudge through. I decided to ask for a low dose AD a few months back (half the "therapeutic" dose) and also did an NHS Counselling for Depression course. No, neither have changed what is going on in my life but I feel mentally more able to get through the hours which I couldn't do before.

    I really hope the mammogram will reassure you both. Waiting for results is always horrible though so keep writing on here if you need to?

  4. #154
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    3,016

    Re: Struggling

    Quote Originally Posted by Buster70 View Post
    it’s been twenty years since my dad died and I still feel guilty for bringing him home from hospital when they had misdiagnosed him , they made the mistake but I feel the guilt , I can’t help but carry the guilt of my mum either , just another boulder in my rucksack.
    I stood in my parent's bedroom on that Christmas Day (over 30 years ago) and as ill as he was, my dad clearly said, 'I want to stay here'. The doctor convinced us that hospital was the right place for my dying dad to be. It wasn't the right place for him to be, and it haunted me for decades..

    But now I'm able to rationalise it and the reality was that I was 26 and an undiagnosed autistic. I couldn't actually speak that morning because my emotional dysfunction was in overdrive. All I could do was stand there and look at my dad. My brothers were not there and my mum was in full panic mode because his chest was rattling and she knew what that meant. The doctor did what he thought was the right thing. We knew it wasn't moment we saw my dad hooked up to a mobile chest X ray machine and the look on his face? I'll never forget it. But this was a situation that unravelled really quickly and everybody was in a state of disbelief and the one voice of reason in that house that morning was a locum doctor who didn't know my dad or us as a family. Guilt won't change a thing about that day and your guilt won't change anything either..

    The hospital made mistakes with my dad too. He was misdiagnosed twice and that cost him, but I'd also argue that he ignored his symptoms when they started because he was that type of bloke. In the end, those whispers of warning (that he later admitted to have having) became un-ignorable and he was blue-lighted to A & E, so all this actually starts with a choice that Dad himself made. Go back even further, his lifestyle choices..

    Woulda, shoulda, coulda - we torture ourselves with these but they don't make an iota of difference except to hurt ourselves, and what loving parent would want their kids to suffer like this? My old man wouldn't. I'm expecting a telling off when I do get up there!

    I know I shouldn’t jump to worst case scenario but this is how my tired mind works , I even fast forward to funerals , it’s like a dog with a bone it won’t let go it just keeps chewing at it morning noon and night .
    I went one further and planned mine, and it actually turned out to be a cathartic (and useful) exercise?

    Ive wasted so much of my life worrying instead of living , last year it was my daughters diagnosis with ms months of worry and it didn’t change the outcome , my mum being ill, my brother being suicidal, my partner having one health issue after another , right now as always I feel like I’m holding my breath hoping things will be okay putting life on hold until things workout
    Breathe B.

    Life happens to us and around us and if we tell ourselves that we cannot possibly be happy until everything is ok, then we'll never be happy because there will always be something to challenge us, and if it's not happening to us, it will be happening to those we love. This is life.. And all we can do is to love, care, support (and that included ourselves) and to try and find the positives in those difficult situations.

    I won’t enjoy anything until it’s sorted and if I do enjoy some time I think I will have to pay a price for that happiness, my kids and grandkids are my reason for sticking around , the last bit of enjoyment was weeks ago when me and my grandson ran into a river and wet each other through , I got bollocked because he had his shoes on but it was worth it , I won’t allow myself any happiness now until this is sorted or I think I’ll jinx it , yeah I know f@@ked up thinking .
    That memory isn't going anywhere. Use it. Bring it forwards in your mind when those clouds roll in. I'm still thinking of those squirrels from a week ago!

    You need to change the dialogue B. Your body is responding to all this negativity and this just makes everything so much worse than it needs to be. You're doing the time-travelling thing where you're either in a past (that you cannot change) or in a fearfully imagined future. The present is a difficult place to be right now, for sure, but it's also where you will find happiness. You just have to make some room for it and believe that you deserve it..

    well here goes for another shit nights sleep , bloody hope I feel better tomorrow.
    See, you were setting yourself up for a shit night's sleep right there!

    I'm having some sleeping issues myself but my dialogue last night was this..

    It doesn't matter if I wake up in the early hours. I will do my breathing exercises. I'll be ok.

    I did wake up but not until a respectable 6am.

    Your brain is taking note of everything that you think B..
    __________________
    Fall Down Seven Times, Get Up Eight.

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