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Thread: Struggling

  1. #151
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    Feb 2016
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    Re: Struggling

    Hi Pulisa thanks for replying I know you have huge problems yourself and don’t know how the hell you cope with them , I guess no choice but to get on with it , I feel a failure because I don’t cope well with illness and death , it’s been twenty years since my dad died and I still feel guilty for bringing him home from hospital when they had misdiagnosed him , they made the mistake but I feel the guilt , I can’t help but carry the guilt of my mum either , just another boulder in my rucksack.
    I know I shouldn’t jump to worst case scenario but this is how my tired mind works , I even fast forward to funerals , it’s like a dog with a bone it won’t let go it just keeps chewing at it morning noon and night .
    Ive wasted so much of my life worrying instead of living , last year it was my daughters diagnosis with ms months of worry and it didn’t change the outcome , my mum being ill, my brother being suicidal, my partner having one health issue after another , right now as always I feel like I’m holding my breath hoping things will be okay putting life on hold until things workout, I won’t enjoy anything until it’s sorted and if I do enjoy some time I think I will have to pay a price for that happiness, my kids and grandkids are my reason for sticking around , the last bit of enjoyment was weeks ago when me and my grandson ran into a river and wet each other through , I got bollocked because he had his shoes on but it was worth it , I won’t allow myself any happiness now until this is sorted or I think I’ll jinx it , yeah I know f@@ked up thinking .
    I have no plans to do anything so don’t worry anyone I just feel like it’s not worth living right now but I know life can turn on a sixpence either way .
    I do ring my brother because I know he feels more guilty than me and he is still finding it very hard , hopefully we can meet up at mums ashes next week , I went there this morning to have a chat with her , an old woman I talk to dog walking called miserable so it must show , even my dog won’t leave me alone she knows I not happy so she’s trying to sit on my lap all the time .
    well here goes for another shit nights sleep , bloody hope I feel better tomorrow.
    Thank you x

  2. #152
    Join Date
    May 2021
    Posts
    1,129

    Re: Struggling

    So sorry you're having a tough time Buster. Hang on in there, it's so tough dealing with grief on top of everything else. Them making a mistake on your dad's diagnosis wasn't your fault and don't feel guilty about your mum either, you did what was best for her at the time.

    I hope all goes well with you wife's mammogram.

  3. #153
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
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    13,884

    Re: Struggling

    I hate platitudes so forgive me if I give you some, Buster..The way I see it is that you can't keep trying to work out the future because you'll just think of the worst possible outcomes and that will just make you even more depressed and frightened. I cope by putting myself on auto pilot and trying to deal with whatever is thrown at me-some times I cope better than others but the main thing is to keep going. Just to keep going. For yourself. Depression makes life a horrible quagmire to trudge through. I decided to ask for a low dose AD a few months back (half the "therapeutic" dose) and also did an NHS Counselling for Depression course. No, neither have changed what is going on in my life but I feel mentally more able to get through the hours which I couldn't do before.

    I really hope the mammogram will reassure you both. Waiting for results is always horrible though so keep writing on here if you need to?

  4. #154
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    Mar 2016
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    Re: Struggling

    Quote Originally Posted by Buster70 View Post
    it’s been twenty years since my dad died and I still feel guilty for bringing him home from hospital when they had misdiagnosed him , they made the mistake but I feel the guilt , I can’t help but carry the guilt of my mum either , just another boulder in my rucksack.
    I stood in my parent's bedroom on that Christmas Day (over 30 years ago) and as ill as he was, my dad clearly said, 'I want to stay here'. The doctor convinced us that hospital was the right place for my dying dad to be. It wasn't the right place for him to be, and it haunted me for decades..

    But now I'm able to rationalise it and the reality was that I was 26 and an undiagnosed autistic. I couldn't actually speak that morning because my emotional dysfunction was in overdrive. All I could do was stand there and look at my dad, and that was hard enough! My brothers weren't there and my mum was in full panic mode because his chest was rattling and she knew what that meant. The doctor did what he thought was the right thing. We knew it wasn't moment we saw my dad hooked up to a mobile chest X ray machine and the look on his face? I'll never forget it. But this was a situation that unravelled really quickly and everybody was in a state of disbelief and the one voice of reason in that house that morning was a locum doctor who didn't know my dad or us as a family. Guilt won't change a thing about that day and your guilt won't change anything either..

    The hospital made mistakes with my dad too. He was misdiagnosed twice and that cost him, but I'd also argue that he ignored his symptoms when they started because he was that type of bloke. In the end, those whispers of warning (that he later admitted to have having) became un-ignorable and he was blue-lighted to A & E, so all this actually starts with a choice that Dad himself made. Go back even further, his lifestyle choices..

    Woulda, shoulda, coulda - we torture ourselves with these but they don't make an iota of difference except to hurt ourselves, and what loving parent would want their kids to suffer like this? My old man wouldn't, and I'm expecting a telling off when I do get up there!

    I know I shouldn’t jump to worst case scenario but this is how my tired mind works , I even fast forward to funerals , it’s like a dog with a bone it won’t let go it just keeps chewing at it morning noon and night .
    I went one further and planned mine, and it actually turned out to be a cathartic (and useful) exercise?

    Ive wasted so much of my life worrying instead of living , last year it was my daughters diagnosis with ms months of worry and it didn’t change the outcome , my mum being ill, my brother being suicidal, my partner having one health issue after another , right now as always I feel like I’m holding my breath hoping things will be okay putting life on hold until things workout
    Breathe B.

    Life happens to us and around us and if we tell ourselves that we can't possibly be happy until everything is ok, then we'll never be happy because there will always be something to challenge us, and if it's not happening to us, it will be happening to those we love. This is life.. And all we can do is to love, care, support (and that includes ourselves) and to try and find the positives in those difficult situations.

    I won’t enjoy anything until it’s sorted and if I do enjoy some time I think I will have to pay a price for that happiness, my kids and grandkids are my reason for sticking around , the last bit of enjoyment was weeks ago when me and my grandson ran into a river and wet each other through , I got bollocked because he had his shoes on but it was worth it , I won’t allow myself any happiness now until this is sorted or I think I’ll jinx it , yeah I know f@@ked up thinking .
    That memory isn't going anywhere, so use it. Bring it forwards in your mind when those clouds roll in. I'm still thinking of those squirrels from a week ago!

    You need to try and change the dialogue B. Your body is responding to all this negativity and this just makes everything so much worse than it needs to be. You're doing the time-travelling thing where you're either in a past (that you cannot change) or in a fearfully imagined future. The present is a difficult place to be right now, for sure, but it's also where you will find happiness. You just have to make some room for it and believe that you deserve it..

    well here goes for another shit nights sleep , bloody hope I feel better tomorrow.
    See, you were setting yourself up for a shit night's sleep right there!

    I'm having some sleeping issues myself but my dialogue last night was this..

    It doesn't matter if I wake up in the early hours. I will do my breathing exercises. I'll be ok.

    I did wake up but not until a respectable 6am.

    Your brain is taking note of everything that you think B..
    Last edited by NoraB; 20-09-21 at 06:55.
    __________________
    Fall Down Seven Times, Get Up Eight.

  5. #155
    Join Date
    May 2014
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    7,681

    Re: Struggling

    I agree with most things said on here Buster.
    I still manage to torture myself with my mum and dad. Decisions that had to be made, did I do the right thing, did I do enough, did I, did I, did I?
    But that time has gone now and I'm sure none of our parents want us to torture ourselves for the rest of our life. A glimpse into the past of a more memorable situation is less harmful to our soul and as much as we might worry about the future we do not know what it holds for us. We can only deal with the now as things change.

  6. #156
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
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    1,902

    Re: Struggling

    Thanks you , Catkins, Pulisa , Nora , Carnation, it means a lot to me your thoughts and sharing your life experiences, it’s not wasted on me I do take it in and try to rationalise my thoughts with the things you have said , you are people that truly understand unlike some paid therapist that’s had a comfortable life and gone on several training courses to sit and nod like a bloody nodding dog in the back window a Mondeo heading for the golf course, always feel free to moan about your days I don’t yet hold the copyright on moaning .
    Anyway yesterday reminded me why I have to stick around and no matter how rough things get I see it out , partner’s Diarrhea ( I will never ever remember how to spell that word , it’s become clear I am dyslexic which explains a lot about my hatred of schooldays ) seems to have calmed down so we had a the grand kids round to stay while our daughters went out , being with them meant no talk of mammograms or cancer , we got food in and watched tv together , later on it started chucking it down so me and the kids went out in the garden under my no smoking shelter in the dark with blankets , we sat there for a good good hour listening to the rain and talking, they both have a great sense of humour and crack me up , no one makes me laugh like my granddaughter, she’s very bright and brutally honest, she will talk about anything with me which is good as we can have conversations about murderers , drink drugs and child abusers so she’s pre warned .
    Partner has been cleaning the house morning noon and night to stop her thinking , I may sometimes paint a bad picture of her but she has a good heart and looks after me and my girls , she gives too much and gets let down regularly , I know Carnation does the same and being let down by people you have helped hurts and leaves scars but you can’t change who you are and why would you , I love her dearly for better or worse and always will ( that’s my partner not Carnation, she could be a tubby Nigerian fella sat at a computer buttering me up to steel my money and identity) .
    There is so much more I want to say but it’s been a long day ,I did sleep a bit better last night , okay I woke at 5.30 but I had slept through from about 11.30 so that’s good for me .
    For now thank you it is appreciated x

  7. #157
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    Mar 2016
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    Re: Struggling

    Quote Originally Posted by Buster70 View Post
    Anyway yesterday reminded me why I have to stick around and no matter how rough things get I see it out , partner’s Diarrhea ( I will never ever remember how to spell that word ,
    I normally go with 'the shits'.

    we sat there for a good good hour listening to the rain and talking, they both have a great sense of humour and crack me up , no one makes me laugh like my granddaughter, she’s very bright and brutally honest, she will talk about anything with me which is good as we can have conversations about murderers , drink drugs and child abusers so she’s pre warned .
    See, here is another happy memory which has happened despite everything else that's going on...

    There is so much more I want to say but it’s been a long day ,I did sleep a bit better last night , okay I woke at 5.30 but I had slept through from about 11.30 so that’s good for me .
    Excellent!!
    __________________
    Fall Down Seven Times, Get Up Eight.

  8. #158
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    May 2014
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    7,681

    Re: Struggling

    Really Buster? For 7 years!!!! Think I would have your house by now including the beach hut shed.
    I know you are only joking and that's what you do and are very good at it. I have no doubt it keeps you going most of the time. When reality becomes clear it can become a bit scary so it's best you take each day as it is given to you.
    I CAN relate to a lot of how your wife feels. I had a rocky relationship with my Partner's mum but I stepped up when I was needed and it's not an easy thing to do but I wanted to support my partner, just like yours did.
    My anxiety killed off much of my social life and so called friends and you become super wary of your health and suffer depression from time to time.
    Despite everything your wife goes away and didn't actually want to go home last time. It made me think whether you need a change in your home abode but then I remembered that problems don't disappear just because you move. But when you are in a position where you have options it's a better hand to hold.
    Try and find some peace and fulfillment for yourself Buster. You can still be there for your partner but when she knows you are suffering too it can't be helping her mojo. She doesn't want to be worrying about you as well as her own health. I'm sure your brother will appreciate some time together and of course the grandkids.
    It's good to let your feelings out though and we are here for you to do that.

  9. #159
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    Feb 2016
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    1,902

    Re: Struggling

    We had a good day then back down to earth with a thud , I forgot to take a sleeping pill last night so I’ve been awake most of the night , I’ve popped home to meet a buyer who’s coming to collect something and my partner was in a state , she’s watched tv and Julia Bradbury was on saying she has breast cancer , she’s exactly the same age as my partner so it’s freaked her out and got her convinced, I tried to talk her down saying we just know anything yet for sure but she’s scared and not knowing is sometimes worse , I’m not sure if I can go in the hospital with her on Friday and she’s says she’d rather I didn’t as she will just worry I’m going to freak out , I just don’t have the words to reassure her , it has put me back in the worst case scenario mindset but it’s not me going through it , why the f@@k can’t I just be normal and not freak out , I’m upset but more annoyed at myself .
    Carnation I was starting to believe we could have a part time life at the coast then make it permanent ow my mum has passed but as usual you tell god your plans and she laughs .
    Hope this person turns up on time I hate waiting around at the best of times .
    Thanks all .

  10. #160
    Join Date
    May 2021
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    1,129

    Re: Struggling

    Buster, I have a friend (55) who has breast cancer now. It's looking like it hasn't spread, she's had one surgery and is probably going to have another, but her prognosis is good. Also last year my sister in law (53) had breast cancer. She had a mastectomy and didn't need any further treatment, no chemo and no radiotherapy. She's had a recent review and she's still all clear.

    I'm saying this not to be alarmist, but to let you know that even if it is serious, she can still get through it and come out the other side. I also work with someone who had BC 10 years ago and she's still well and looking forward to retirement.

    It's so hard to reassure someone when you're afraid yourself. Hang on in there.

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