Struggling

[pulisa]

Irrespective of the menopause do you both feel that your relationship is going to be impossible to fix? Will she talk to you about how she really feels emotionally?

[NoraB]

Irrespective of the menopause do you both feel that your relationship is going to be impossible to fix? Will she talk to you about how she really feels emotionally?

60% of divorces are initiated by women during their menopausal years. Speaks for itself, right?

I wonder how many of these women couldn't 'speak' to their husbands? The blokes' wives 'suddenly went off the sausage' and in the absence of any communication the husbands started sticking said sausage elsewhere and hello divorce!

Although I have no filters and I can 'say' anything without embarrassment (see my previous post) - it wasn't easy to tell my husband that I'm sexually defunct after decades of a very healthy libido! But it was important that he understood what was happening, and why. If things go tits up and he sticks his sausage elsewhere then I know it won't be down to lack of communication!

Sausage bap anyone?

[Carnation]

Buster we've had conversations about this subject before and there is no quick fix in that department.
And we are assuming that your lack of bedroom antics is down to your partner's menopause and that might not necessarily be the case. It won't help because some women go through a very difficult time with hot flushes, emotional changes, soreness in the area and libido can drop to almost non-existent. The pleasure feeling can drop and turn into pain and misery.
No new abode, gifts or words will change a woman's feelings and there are some lucky folk that breeze through that period.
And with the menopause, you can't put a time on it, it just doesn't work that way.
But if you are holding hands and cuddling occasionally, maybe a kiss now and then, you have the reassurance that your love is still there.
And if rumpy pumpy is so important to you, then you obviously have the choice of ending the relationship to find someone who will be up for it, so to speak.
Maybe blunt, but accept things how they are or split up.
Yeah, you love her, I can hear you say, then understand that you are in a pretty normal phase of a relationship after having a family, going through menopause and dealing with the normal grief throughout life.
I know many couples who don't have sex and stay with each other and still have happiness. Pushing the issue will only make the situation worse imo.
If it happens, it's a bonus, but at some point you have to choose between loyalty and love and sex.
I also get the feeling you were hoping the new abode would be the encouragement as a sort of romance pad. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. You feel how you feel, no matter where you are or what you do.
I doubt your partner will want to talk about this subject, she would have done it by now without any provocation.
I know you want to feel loved and wanted Buster and your partner may already be aware of that, but sometimes in life it is what it is.

[Buster70]

Hi all. Thank you for the replies, I have done my homework so I do understand the ins and outs of it ( I’ll put that pun in just for you Nora ) we have talked and the last thing I want is for her to have painful sex just to keep me happy or lie about how she feels , ouch!! is not a sexy word , she does have pain and we’ve tried to get around that but the pain can last for days after and then why would you want to put yourself through that again , the flip side is I’m 51 not 81 and my feeling haven’t changed and I’m going to have these feeling for a long time , like being starving in cake shop with no money , when I say she looks good it’s usually met with no I don’t I look fat and ugly what do you see in me , she does look great to me , she has said several times she can’t be the person I want anymore and I should find someone else but that not what I want when things a good we have a loving relationship.
maybe all this later life shite should be taught at school we are never prepared for getting old and death no bugger talks about it until it’s happening.
Getting this place by the sea wasn’t a plan to get my wicked way it’s something she’s always wanted and me too but money prevented it , now it seems more doable, ive taken on a second flat and coming home now feels like just coming home to work not live , the reasons for being home are getting fewer now my mum has gone and one daughter has moved away and currently not talking to us .
Carnation I know you are right that pushing the issue is causing more harm than good , I always feel if there’s a problem I need to fix it straight away or my head will explode but there is one of me and too many problems , can you imagine having menopausal partner , moody daughter with ms , daughter with anxiety and now a granddaughter hitting puberty, i love them all but some days I feel like walking away and just keeping on walking but as you said you just take the problems with you .
I knew I could count on Nora for the gruesome details and you didn’t disappoint, if you look up TMI on google it probably has your photo on images ,this is why women are made of stronger stuff to deal with all this shite .
I do think there is still hope for us but I also know I’ve got to stop pushing and over thinking but there lies the massive problem .
Again many thanks .

[NoraB]

the flip side is I’m 51 not 81 and my feeling haven’t changed and I’m going to have these feeling for a long time

Well things can go wrong for men too B. Floppy sausage?

There are lots of things you and your Mrs can do which doesn't involve sausaging the vageroo. You could get really creative here? But first, your Mrs just needs to love (and accept) this version of herself.

maybe all this later life shite should be taught at school we are never prepared for getting old and death no bugger talks about it until it’s happening.

100%! It's ridiculous that this stuff isn't on the curriculum!

can you imagine having menopausal partner , moody daughter with ms , daughter with anxiety and now a granddaughter hitting puberty, i love them all but some days I feel like walking away and just keeping on walking but as you said you just take the problems with you .

Can you imagine having an autistic menopausal wife with fibromyalgia, OCD, GAD, OMD (scrap that last one) and an autistic son who has only just turned 12 but who is hormonally unbalanced, almost 6 feet tall (size 8 feet) and has a moustache? Oh, and a psychotic lurcher?

Have us for 24 hours and you'd be begging to have your life back lol!

I knew I could count on Nora for the gruesome details and you didn’t disappoint, if you look up TMI on google it probably has your photo on images ,this is why women are made of stronger stuff to deal with all this shite .

Nah mate, the TMI is because I'm autistic. Generally, women don't talk about this stuff which is part of the problem. I just see it as body parts and biology.

I do think there is still hope for us

There's always hope B.

The menopause is such a game changer in relationships because it rips through almost every aspect of a woman's life. It's not called 'the change' for nothing, right? This is so much more than just cessation of periods!

This time of life often coincides with some powerful emotional shit too. Kids are leaving home. Parents are getting ill and dying. And maybe some other age-related health issues creeping in? And also, there's the lack of oestrogen - the calming hormone - and that which is needed to keep collagen topped up so that we don't look like Madge off Benidorm..

Psychologically, we're not as able to forgive those irritating little habits. You know that week of hell blokes generally go through when their other halves are having their periods? Well the peri-menopause (and for a few years after that) is one massive 'psycho week'! Our lives (and bodies) are going to shit in a handcart and our husbands/partners are virtually the same? A few grey hairs? A bald patch? Beer belly? Doesn't seem fair, right? And sometimes we can't even understand why we have the urge to grab a garden spade and stove your heads in.

Your wife is a different person Buster and she's possibly grieving for the loss of the previous version (s) of herself. The menopause takes more than it will ever give. And don't start me on those 'Menopause Goddess' books - where some woman is prancing through a meadow looking like she's just puffed her way through several reefers! (which would also account for the soft focus)

Then again, keeping it real with a red-faced, sweat- drenched woman looking as if she's about to end someone's life might not sell as well on your planet? Certainly would on mine!

Victoria Wood has some great stand up stuff on the menopause. If your Mrs is into comedy, maybe this might help? Buy her a DVD and casually leave it on the coffee table? We do need humour to get us through this time in our lives!

Also, you appear to be the only bloke in your house? Could it be that your Mrs is constantly being visually reminded of who she used to be - as in when she had oestrogen and collagen? Just throwing that one in there..

I keep telling myself that many women don't live to see this time of their lives and I'm sure they would take on every shitty aspect of mine in a heartbeat, but that doesn't invalidate my struggle with the menopause. Some women have it easy. I haven't. It is what it is..

Things will eventually settle down with your Mrs and her hormones will find their new level but it can take up to ten years - sometimes longer. This is where a relationship is tested and couples either make it or they don't - hence the high divorce rate. Couples come to a crossroads in their lives and often a woman's menopause coincides with her husband's mid-lifer and this is when problems are the 'affair' kind occur.

If the tables were turned and it was you who couldn't have sex anymore - you would feel insecure?

The thing is B that you can actually walk away if you wanted to. Your Mrs can't walk away from this. This is her existence, at least for now. But I do understand why you feel this way sometimes..

[Catkins]

Honestly Nora you should write a book sometime. I love reading your advice.

[Carnation]

Both you and Nora are enjoyable reads. You both manage to find a little humour in the most difficult of scenarios.
You'd make a good double act on stage. What's life without humour? It keeps us going during the hardest of times. The ol saying, 'If I don't laugh, I would cry'.

[NoraB]

@catkins @carnation

Thanks ladies..

Glad to be of service.

[Carnation]

Go with the flow Buster, go with the flow.

[pulisa]

Go with the flow Buster, go with the flow.

Menstrual or otherwise.... (Sorry)