Struggling

[Catkins]

Would they be crinolines to give plenty of room for manoeuvre plus you could squat without it being obvious?

We could definitely incorporate this into the design!

[Carnation]

Will I get compensation if I trip over my skirt?

[pulisa]

There will be a watertight compensation service at your convenience, Carnation..

[Carnation]

Good to hear Pulisa
Very windy on the East Coast, I don't want to take off and become a human kite.

[Buster70]

Hi all , feeling shite again , on the face of it I should be happy , work has been good for the last 18 months ,we have a roof over our heads and a flat by the sea but things are just shite , we can’t go through a week without a big argument and it starts from nothing , we haven’t been away for the last three weeks as we rented out the flat to get a bit of money back , this week we should be going away but it’s all gone tits up again , I can’t stop obsessing over why she won’t come near me and it causes friction , I know it’s not just the menopause, most of the time she is just distant or angry which makes me feel unwanted useless and ugly , we both had this dream of being happy at the coast and maybe moving there but now I feel I’ve thrown thousands of pounds at something that will go to waste and never make us happy.
I woke up this morning at 4.30 feeling tearful and low , this evening we sat and watched a film together then one comment and all hell broke loose , Ive spent the evening wondering around the town in the dark trying to stop the dark thoughts that are overwhelming me , I know if I try and talk to her it will make things worse .
Everything I used to enjoy and hold dear is gone now I’m just left with all the shit and feelings you don’t want , I can’t sleep , I spend my days in pain and anguish, anything I look forward to gets taken away , I walked to my brothers house tonight because I needed someone to talk me down but I couldn’t bring myself to knock on his door , tearing up again so I’ll stop this depressing post .

[NoraB]

It's really hard to comment Buster because we're only getting your version here...

From a menopausal woman's perspective, my husband only has to breathe near me some days and I could happily bury his carcass under the back yard, and I don't always understand why I feel this way?

'Just the menopause'

Maybe your Mrs is having a hard time coming to terms with this version of herself? I know I am. The menopause is a physical, emotional and mental rollercoaster. The good news is that it eventually slows down but I recommend that husbands/partners build themselves a big shed to go hide in until the worst has passed? My dad had his garage. My grandad spent a lot of time in his outhouse. My husband hides away in the conservatory with the ability to lock me out if I'm being a dick (and vice-versa)

The shed's also an option. I've tried it and it's spacious enough but I did manage to lock myself in for 40 minutes one day. Oops.

Or maybe your Mrs has reached a point in her life where she's just not happy? Maybe she thinks you're not happy either? And you're both bouncing off one another? (and not in a way that you'd like)

Re the film? Who made the comment? What was the comment? These things either matter or they don't. My husband farted during Goose's death scene in Top Gun when we first started going out and the relationship almost ended there.

Have you done any kind of relationship therapy? Would your Mrs be up for that? Would you?

We've established that you and your Mrs are not happy. You're hurting and feel incredibly sad - that's clear - and I'm sorry.

Bottom line? If you want a better relationship you have to work for it and understand that you're only responsible for your actions.

This hurts you so much because you love your wife and you need to feel loved by her, right? Love is a human requirement at a very basic level..

I really hope you guys can find your way through this..

[Carnation]

I think I would be hard pushed to write a better response than Nora who has more or less has written my sentiments.

[Buster70]

I looked into tackling the menopause from a mans point of view because let’s face it it does affect us too , amongst the hundreds of websites for dealing with menopause for women and some don’t even allow men to join I found one for men written by a woman and it had one comment from another woman, she did write from both sides , it’s not always men messing around that causes the breakup women quite often try to find their youth by having a fling and many go for a split because they feel like an awakening ( lack of oestrogen) and don’t have that nurturing feeling anymore so the thought of washing skiddie undies for another twenty years makes their mind up to live alone .
Its always a running joke about women threatening to kill their other half’s for dropping a crumb or putting the cheese in the fridge backwards but reverse it and it’s abuse , men are three times more likely to kill the selves in middle age , I think the reason being they’ve worked all their lives doing a shite job to one day relax in the home they made only to find the kids have gone and they are threatened with emotional and physical abuse so end up in the shed ( dog house ) .
It is my point of view you get and I’m coming to the conclusion that I’m an impatient tw@t , I want to enjoy what’s left of my life as my dad wasn’t much older when he died , problem is life doesn’t give a crap about your plans .
I think the menopause started much longer ago than we think and some of what you’ve said Nora is spot on , she says she doesn’t know how to feel and hates the way she is now , she can’t help the way she’s feeling but neither can I , women’s oestrogen drops off like a skier going off a cliff but men’s testosterone goes on a gentle slope and for some reason we keep making tadpoles until we die , it not a very fair deal and seems like someone was having a joke when they made humans.
I love her and tell her , I still tell her she looks great , we’ve been together 30 years and I still look at her every day the way I always have but she sees a very different person in the mirror .
I mentioned a therapist it didn’t go down well , she has a mental health worker who calls every week and talks to a psychiatrist but she never opens up about how she really feels unless she’s attempted suicide and even then she holds back ,I just talk to mr spanner in the shed .
sorry for dumping this on here again I know I’m like a not so merry go round but I get so down I don’t know where to offload it all .
Thanks.

[NoraB]

I think the menopause started much longer ago than we think and some of what you’ve said Nora is spot on , she says she doesn’t know how to feel and hates the way she is now , she can’t help the way she’s feeling but neither can I , women’s oestrogen drops off like a skier going off a cliff but men’s testosterone goes on a gentle slope and for some reason we keep making tadpoles until we die , it not a very fair deal and seems like someone was having a joke when they made humans.

No, it's not fair. Some men might encounter some kind of erectile dysfunction as they get older etc but it's not a cert. It is a cert that a woman will reach the end of her reproductive life and that this is just one of the many ways it will affect her - physically, emotionally and psychotically. And if we're talking about statistics - if a couple separate due to serious illness - it's generally the man who leaves. The menopause isn't a serious illness, but it can be devastating none the less. Men age and they can keep reproducing. Their 'bits' don't atrophy or feel like they've been rubbed over with course grain sandpaper then dipped in lemon juice - inside and out. Women naturally fade away because we no longer need to attract a mate. It's biology. If only it were that simple though..

There are 11 months between my husband and I, but you wouldn't think it now. I've done a football skid into middle-age whereas he has had very few changes to cope with. Dude's got some grey pubes - that's about it. And there are days where I resent him for this. Then there are days where I worry that he'll look elsewhere? Then there are days when I think he already has..

I have a very real fear that I'm holding my husband back. I can't help the early menopause or the health condition (fibro) or that I'm autistic. If all this is so difficult for me to bear - what about him? My life is buggered but his doesn't have to be, and I can't help but think that he will come to this conclusion himself sooner or later? It's possible that your Mrs is thinking similar things? Maybe, in her mind, you're already gone?

All these emotions I am feeling overwhelm, confuse, and scare me - and if your Mrs is feeling anything like I do on a daily basis, then my heart goes out to her. My heart goes out to you too. I see the look on my husband's face when I can't stand to be touched. When the slightest touch from him makes me flinch - and I cannot override this. It's my wiring when I'm overwhelmed. I just have to watch him and hate myself for doing it because as wretched as I feel sometimes, I'd take that over seeing him hurt..

This is your life too. You made a vow to take the shit life dishes out. In sickness and in health. With oestrogen and without.. But everybody draws a line in the sand, right? Everybody has their breaking point. And you both need help with this. Mid-life is often a marriage breaker but breaking points can also work the other way. They can bring us closer then we were before. There are no rules here..

Both of you need to try and be clear on what your needs are (now) and how the other one's behaviour is affecting you. For this you need a mediator. If your Mrs won't do the therapy, there's no reason why you can't do it on your own and this will help you to cope better with your wife's issues. You will learn when to walk away but in a way that doesn't inflame the situation. And I can't emphasise enough the power of saying, 'What can I do to help you?'.

What you don't do is tolerate any physical abuse. It's unacceptable. MH issues might explain lashing out but can never excuse it. If this is happening to you, you need to ask for help - for her sake as well as yours.

Have you thought of writing your wife a letter telling her how you feel? E-mail?

[Buster70]

Thank you Nora for your reply I know you put a lot of thought and time into replying to people on here and it is appreciated , the colour of your other half’s short and curlies may be a bit too much information but most people would struggle to say anything too intimate.
Your chap probably does look at other women like we all do but it doesn’t mean we’re shopping , you seem to have a lot of good qualities worth hanging around for like my partner does , when things are good with us we are close and very loving but it can turn on a sixpence , she has said at times when I cuddle her she feels like screaming which breaks my heart but I know this is not her true feelings , she has been through so much as a child , loss and abuse but she didn’t turn to crack or drink she had kids and looked after them probably a bit too well .
Last week I had one of those days that makes it worth having around for , I took my six year old grandson out with me to work on a buying trip at a big house , we took nibbles and drinks and he had a great time in the grounds with loads of stuff he probably shouldn’t have been near , quality time and great bonding .
Im now down the coast it’s been a touch up and down but mostly up , today my partner told me something and it is troubling me but I’m desperately trying not to freak out and ruin things , maybe tmi but one of her nipples has gone inward ,it came up because of Sarah Harding’s death , I guess this can be something or nothing , it hasn’t gone red or any leakage but it’s there and needs looking at , she said it’s been like it a few months .
For twenty years since my dad died I’ve been around just females , mum ,daughters , granddaughter, partner , but I still have no idea about most women’s problems , it’s like a secret society and men are not allowed in or told anything.
Shes said she’ll get it looked at when we get home and right now there is nothing can be done so I need to not over react .
Again thanks got to go my battery is nearly dead .