Struggling

[NoraB]

It feels like the weight of the world is on me with no escape and no respite.
Ill give you guys a break from my moaning as it must be getting on your tits by now , see you later and thanks .

We're here for you B so keep on getting this stuff off your chest...

P.S, your shoulders are bigger than you imagine. You will get through all this. No amount of shit is permanent because nothing in life is permanent..

[Carnation]

Buster, I have a cat like that. No consideration for timings or human sleep. You have to grab those naps when you can. Great news that your partner didn't want to come home because its a good sign she feels at peace there. Not so good news that she didn't feel well though. She really does suffer consistently.
Buster, this place is for you to come to, why would we need a break? You need a break yourself from time to time and if it helps to write down here how you feel then it's the right thing to do.

[Buster70]

Thank you you’re too kind , I always feel guilty for dumping my troubles on here but it does help , I did try the Samaritans before but I’m not one for talking on the phone when people ring me they think something is wrong even when I’m quite happy but then people always say that about my face .
next week is going to be a tough one , it’s a year since my mum passed away , can’t believe it’s gone so quick but feels like yesterday and the guilt that she died alone still haunts me , my partner is also going for the mammogram next Friday , we’ve talked about it today and I try to reassure her it could be nothing serious but she talks about cancer and treatments which my brain would love to dive into so I’m trying to keep busy and not be a selfish arse and make it about me , the therapist said I see not worrying as not caring and there is a lot of truth in that .
Id rather be unhappy at the coast than here but I’m still hoping it could be a new start and maybe were well move to eventually, I’ll never be rich but I can make money we’re ever I go and when my anxiety is letting me I do get on with people but I like it to be short and sweet no commitment, the other day partner was feeling down so I said let’s go on the sand train , she went for icecreams while I paid for the train , I had to wait for her so I got the driver to wait and entertained the people on the train who were waiting to go making them laugh felt good and trip down the beach in the sun was a beautiful escape from reality, impulsive moments are great but give me some time to overthink a situation and I’ll ruin it .
I feel I’ve put all my eggs in one basket because of anxiety, Ive cut out my friends and social life , my daughters have their own lives now so most of my time is either working or with my partner , the thought of anything happening to her feels like the end of my life, I have friends who’ve lost their other half’s and Pample on here , I think how do you get through that ? , she did say something that gave me a lift , I suggested she stay on at the flat while I come home but she said she doesn’t want to be there without me .
So my immediate plan is stay sane or as sane as I always have been which was near enough ish .
Thank you .

[pulisa]

Is the mammogram a routine screening one, Buster? It's just that you have to fill in a questionnaire before having it done and say that you have no breast concerns at the time.

If she is worried about her breast then she should go to the GP and have a referral to the breast clinic if the GP thinks she should go there.

[Catkins]

Is the mammogram a routine screening one, Buster? It's just that you have to fill in a questionnaire before having it done and say that you have no breast concerns at the time.

If she is worried about her breast then she should go to the GP and have a referral to the breast clinic if the GP thinks she should go there.

That might vary in each region. For my routine one I didn't have to do a questionnaire. Just in the room, get my boobs out and leave.

[Catkins]

I should say that I put my boobs back in before leaving.

[Buster70]

Hi , it was a routine one but she hasn’t been before , it wasn’t booked so she rang and told them her concerns and they gave her an appointment, I laughed at your joke about going to see the GP that’s good one , GP’s round here are still on holiday or too precious to see common folk .
Catkins that’s a common mistake , it’s a cool breeze and feeling of freedom that alerts you to not being dressed , and stares from gentlemen.
It seems right now no one is happy , maybe covid has depressed them but we are definitely not a mental minority anymore , there will be no room at the asylums at this rate .

[Catkins]

I think a lot of people have suffered that haven't suffered before because of the pandemic. Isolation and a general atmosphere of fear has ground everyone down.

[Buster70]

Things just seem so hard right now , I’d always go to see my mum every Friday morning and this time last year it was Friday she went into hospital, I keep going over the last time she rang me from hospital confused and frightened because she don’t know how she’d got there ,it haunts me that I couldn’t t go and see her so she died alone , I want to see more of my brother but things are difficult because my partner doesn’t get on with his partner and that’s putting it very mildly .
Im busy working in the day but in the evenings I have time to think , my partner is still ill with stomach problems , she’s gone from not bothered about the mammogram to worried sick , before she would say it’s probably nothing now she talks about cancer a lot and she’s said if she has got cancer she doesn’t want to be with me anymore as I’ll let her down by not handling it well , she’s right I won’t I’m already falling to pieces I’m tearing up all the time , a couple of months ago I was making plans for our future possibly moving to the coast one day , now it’s seems it will never happen , I know in a few weeks things could be better and look different but we haven’t had much luck in life , it keeps going around in my head that I don’t want to be around to see how this all turns out , yeah I know pretty bloody selfish but I can’t sleep , I wake buzzing with anxiety something that had gone away , I’m in constant pain , I deal with idiots who think my time means nothing most days to make a living then sit and cry before bed , right now it feels like a living hell .
Rant over I need to get up walk the dogs and go through another day , someone please tell me it’s worth it .

[pulisa]

What are the things in your life which make living worth it? Is it always a living hell?

You must both be worried about the mammogram and she'll be saying these things because she's worried sick and frightened. There's been no diagnosis yet..She's just thinking worst case scenario and will probably be very difficult to live with until the mammo results are through.

Things are hard for you now but you have to keep going and don't overthink anything until you are dealing with facts..actual facts.

Get in touch with your brother and meet up if you cn? Your partners don't need to be involved. You can talk about your Mum and how you miss her and regret how she died....But it wasn't your fault that she died without you being there. You can't keep beating yourself about it. She would hate to think of you doing this to yourself now. She would want you to remember and miss her without misplaced guilt.