Suicidal fears

[Delilah11]

That curious urge is like the one to jump off a bridge, Delilah. It's not like the build up of mood to feeling suicidal or the overwhelming emotions leading to self harm. At least not what you seem to be describing.

It's an intrusive thoughts thing. See pencil up pops thought "I could stab myself with that" out of nowhere and then you analyse it and create worry.

It's your mind trying to flag potential risks to protect you. Basically overactive subconscious. Don't react with negatives like worry or needs to protect yourself. It's not a true threat so don't create the need for later protection from it.

That's my take and experience. However you also have past traumas in your life and if it feels like more than thought popping out of nowhere it's worth seeking support even if its nothing they are worried about since we don't know enough about how you are feeling.

Put the bleach down. That will only build a need to be afraid you will react. Therapists may have you touch the bottle to create new thoughts that are positive that reinforce your controls but that's only one method and best left judged to them. It's just as effective to not build a fear by changing your reaction upstream from handling it. And try not to fear handling it either as it will just build more mistrust in yourself which is a big part of OCD. Learn to say "meh, I'm not bothered" whether it just comes to you or if you are using bleach for a normal reason. It will stop bothering you eventually.

So don't get sucked into a "testing" ritual.

Look up "Backdoor Spike" which might give you some more info on this in OCD. It's common and confusing but logically it's something we all experience through recovery as we start to change our reactions.

Hi terry I missed you soooo much💕💕❤️🥺

I understand what you are saying because I have recognised my ocd elements in this. As for back door spikes I will for sure check that up and see more about it.

The feeling of being ‘suicidal’ came to me one day because I felt like my depersonalisation and my depression weren’t going to go away and all of a sudden I thought about me ending my life in the future this thought made me very sad and low but not anxious the next day I had a very strong urge to drink bleach I have no idea why. Again I wasn’t scared but it was only until a week later that I got freaked out and had anxiety over me killing myself. So whilst I have felt mildly suicidal it’s mostly the fear of me doing it and the strange curious urge to drink bleach or very impulsive desire.

I can’t tell if it’s ocd or not because I do believe my depression is a factor in the thoughts that I had.

[Fishmanpa]

It’s going to be hard to do this but I think I know just what to do

Based on the subject of the thread, I find this very concerning. What are you saying? Can you be more specific?

FMP

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi terry I missed you soooo much����❤️��

I understand what you are saying because I have recognised my ocd elements in this. As for back door spikes I will for sure check that up and see more about it.

The feeling of being ‘suicidal’ came to me one day because I felt like my depersonalisation and my depression weren’t going to go away and all of a sudden I thought about me ending my life in the future this thought made me very sad and low but not anxious the next day I had a very strong urge to drink bleach I have no idea why. Again I wasn’t scared but it was only until a week later that I got freaked out and had anxiety over me killing myself. So whilst I have felt mildly suicidal it’s mostly the fear of me doing it and the strange curious urge to drink bleach or very impulsive desire.

I can’t tell if it’s ocd or not because I do believe my depression is a factor in the thoughts that I had.

Thanks Delilah, it's good to hear from you

It sounds like you've been overwhelmed with how you feel. Things like DP/DR are common when things reach a peak as the body is trying to protect itself. But it can be scary and we start to worry about it thus making us worse. Many on here have found just this.

Intrusive thoughts are often discussed in OCD but they are very common in depression too. Maybe even an overlap if you suffer both.

The big question is - would you do it? If you can safely answer no to this then, to me, it's more about intrusive thoughts. I say this because in the risk assessments therapists do they will ask you a few questions such a a) do you ever feel life is not worth living b) have you researched ways to do it c) on a scale of 1-10 (1 being no chance and 10 being highly likely) what would you score as your likeliness to do it and d) what stops you.

So, when I went through my assessments I came out like this:

A) absolutely yes!
B) no.
C) 1
D) loved ones. I could never hurt them.

My therapist explained this showed I was upset but not going to act. I remember saying if I didn't have family I wouldn't put myself through the pain I was feeling.

From what you say you do mention why you wouldn't harm yourself. Do you think that's the case?

If you find yourself saying you would harm yourself then please contact your GP immediately or 111 if out of hours.

It's hard not have thoughts of escape from all the pain we go through. That's normal. But be aware of researching methods and whether it's so painful you can't see a way not to harm yourself. It may not mean you will but maybe a safety net of your GP keeping an eye is worthwhile.

[Delilah11]

No fishman don’t worry😂
I meant to tell my mum that I’m suicidal will be hard so I’m going to lie and say the bleach gives my skin allergic reaction to my feet so she will stop buying it as the sight of bleach triggers me.
That was my plan
I have been getting hives for a while and I was supposed to get a allergies test from the doctors a while ago
I’m going to tell my mum that it’s one of my allergens causing the hives
I’m sorry if I worried you

[Delilah11]

Thanks Delilah, it's good to hear from you

It sounds like you've been overwhelmed with how you feel. Things like DP/DR are common when things reach a peak as the body is trying to protect itself. But it can be scary and we start to worry about it thus making us worse. Many on here have found just this.

Intrusive thoughts are often discussed in OCD but they are very common in depression too. Maybe even an overlap if you suffer both.

The big question is - would you do it? If you can safely answer no to this then, to me, it's more about intrusive thoughts. I say this because in the risk assessments therapists do they will ask you a few questions such a a) do you ever feel life is not worth living b) have you researched ways to do it c) on a scale of 1-10 (1 being no chance and 10 being highly likely) what would you score as your likeliness to do it and d) what stops you.

So, when I went through my assessments I came out like this:

A) absolutely yes!
B) no.
C) 1
D) loved ones. I could never hurt them.

My therapist explained this showed I was upset but not going to act. I remember saying if I didn't have family I wouldn't put myself through the pain I was feeling.

From what you say you do mention why you wouldn't harm yourself. Do you think that's the case?

If you find yourself saying you would harm yourself then please contact your GP immediately or 111 if out of hours.

It's hard not have thoughts of escape from all the pain we go through. That's normal. But be aware of researching methods and whether it's so painful you can't see a way not to harm yourself. It may not mean you will but maybe a safety net of your GP keeping an eye is worthwhile.

I honestly don’t know if I would carry it out but I know if I carried on feeling depressed and it didn’t get better then yes I would attempt it.
I’m holding on to the possibility of medicine but my doctor says I’m too young but she might give it to me considering that 4 weeks of online cbt didn’t do anything to my mood.

I have made a safety plan with my gp and I’ve spoken to hotlines and stuff it’s just a matter of waiting for her to get back to me as I’ve completed online cbt.

There has been a time where I was so scared I was going to harm myself and I called my GP and they stayed on the line until someone in my house came I was home alone and I feel most vulnerable when that happens

I haven’t searched methods on how to harm myself but I figure if I felt extremely low and had enough I would know what to do.

[Fishmanpa]

No fishman don’t worry
I meant to tell my mum that I’m suicidal will be hard so I’m going to lie and say the bleach gives my skin allergic reaction to my feet so she will stop buying it as the sight of bleach triggers me.
That was my plan
I have been getting hives for a while and I was supposed to get a allergies test from the doctors a while ago
I’m going to tell my mum that it’s one of my allergens causing the hives
I’m sorry if I worried you

Appreciate the reply Delilah. It was the almost nonchalant way it came across and that you said you weren't really that anxious about the thoughts that was concerning.

Positive thoughts

[MyNameIsTerry]

I honestly don’t know if I would carry it out but I know if I carried on feeling depressed and it didn’t get better then yes I would attempt it.
I’m holding on to the possibility of medicine but my doctor says I’m too young but she might give it to me considering that 4 weeks of online cbt didn’t do anything to my mood.

I have made a safety plan with my gp and I’ve spoken to hotlines and stuff it’s just a matter of waiting for her to get back to me as I’ve completed online cbt.

There has been a time where I was so scared I was going to harm myself and I called my GP and they stayed on the line until someone in my house came I was home alone and I feel most vulnerable when that happens

I haven’t searched methods on how to harm myself but I figure if I felt extremely low and had enough I would know what to do.

Thats very honest. The indecision about it is also a positive because it demonstrates you aren't at that point. If you were I suspect the answer would be very different.

But keeping in touch with your doctor is always a good plan. Everytime we see them they will be risk assessing whether they ask or not since it's a legal requirement.

They can use medicine it's just it can bring further complications in younger people. Your doctor may be wary because of your concerns over self harm. They might just be a cautious type or more pro therapy. They can explain their reasoning and if you think it unreasonable there is always the second opinion route.

You've got a plan to keep yourself safe and support which is great to hear. And us lot on here are around too. I would add to try to keep overall anxiety levels down, keep an eye on mood slumps and remember what they say about how intrusive thoughts don't reflect you or your deep values. They want to scare us or they cease to exist and whilst they can be horrible we can eliminate our reactions so they fade away. Keep at it and with therapy coming along they will be there to help.

Plenty on here haven't experienced that a-b way anxiety sites explain OCD cycles. Things overlap, emotions get confused. We can't always react the same way, being fatigued alone can mean not reacting with heightened emotions and feeling like we can't be bothered, and we can even feel we like our thoughts and panic because we think we are changing. But remember those recovering have to detach an anxious response from their thoughts to beat them and it doesn't mean you are agreeing or truly approving of them, just saying "I'm not interested, go away silly thoughts". I got to the point of laughing at some of mine.

[Delilah11]

U guys I just slipped and flew across my kitchen and slammed my temple into a a cabinet😭
I have a tiny cut and swelling on my cheek too ugh :(

I’m not ngl I’m kinda scared about head injuries I’m so clumsy

[Delilah11]

Thats very honest. The indecision about it is also a positive because it demonstrates you aren't at that point. If you were I suspect the answer would be very different.

But keeping in touch with your doctor is always a good plan. Everytime we see them they will be risk assessing whether they ask or not since it's a legal requirement.

They can use medicine it's just it can bring further complications in younger people. Your doctor may be wary because of your concerns over self harm. They might just be a cautious type or more pro therapy. They can explain their reasoning and if you think it unreasonable there is always the second opinion route.

You've got a plan to keep yourself safe and support which is great to hear. And us lot on here are around too. I would add to try to keep overall anxiety levels down, keep an eye on mood slumps and remember what they say about how intrusive thoughts don't reflect you or your deep values. They want to scare us or they cease to exist and whilst they can be horrible we can eliminate our reactions so they fade away. Keep at it and with therapy coming along they will be there to help.

Plenty on here haven't experienced that a-b way anxiety sites explain OCD cycles. Things overlap, emotions get confused. We can't always react the same way, being fatigued alone can mean not reacting with heightened emotions and feeling like we can't be bothered, and we can even feel we like our thoughts and panic because we think we are changing. But remember those recovering have to detach an anxious response from their thoughts to beat them and it doesn't mean you are agreeing or truly approving of them, just saying "I'm not interested, go away silly thoughts". I got to the point of laughing at some of mine.

Yess terry

I just have to keep my anxiety to a minimum but sometimes I feel that’s what’s actually keeping me from harming myself.
It’s that I have such a fear of doing it that keeps me away from it entirely which is a positive I guess.

As for the medicine I really do hope that I do get prescribed some but with research and hearing what my GP has said; it can apparently bring out suicidal tendencies in those under 25 but some people say it goes after a little while and some say it’s stays over the course of the treatment which I don’t believe tbh.
I don’t care, I’m getting my hands on the medicine and I won’t stop pressuring them until they give it to me.

I have given up on some of my ocd themes particularly the one I always use to bug you about the worry is still there but I don’t focus on it and find it doesn’t pop up in my life as much.

It’s also crazy how much worry and stress has taken I’ve my life it feels like yesterday when I was 17 and first joined this site and it’s been almost 3 years. Time has gone really fast for me but that’s mostly because I laid in bed not doing much due to my depression but I’m glad that I am making so much more progress💃🏾

[AntsyVee]

Yess terry

As for the medicine I really do hope that I do get prescribed some but with research and hearing what my GP has said; it can apparently bring out suicidal tendencies in those under 25 but some people say it goes after a little while and some say it’s stays over the course of the treatment which I don’t believe tbh.
I don’t care, I’m getting my hands on the medicine and I won’t stop pressuring them until they give it to me.

I know I'm not a psychiatrist, but I do have a background in psych, and I willing teach a special education class every year for kids with learning disabilities and mental illness that might affect their learning. So I see a lot of the under 25 start up with meds. This is what I have noticed with the meds and suicidal thoughts:

I think the reason that these meds can bring out suicidal tendencies in the 25 and under group and others is this: Often when people are so depressed, they lack the motivation to do anything, even suicide. Even that kind of plan and carrying it out seems like too much work. Too many brain cells have been killed off by stress chemicals to give a damn about anything. But then you start up anti-depressants, and suddenly the production of brain cells starts up again. The factory machinery has been greased so to speak. This can often give enough umph to make young people carry out the plan that they have lacked too much motivation to do. Additionally, for some folks, there is that start-up anxiety that kinda makes you feel like your skin is crawling, and I think that feeling just pushes some over the edge.

Docs have only noticed the suicidal tendencies with start-ups or restarts. So to me, I'm pretty sure this is what's going on. Once people are stabilized with meds, those thoughts go away or they might pop up, but the patients don't dwell on them. But it takes 6-12 weeks in people to get stabilized on meds. They aren't like popping tylenol. They have to build up in your system and their by-product is that they regenerate brain cells in the long term.

I think you can successfully start meds as long as you are aware of these issues. Being cognizant of problems like this often makes the difference. Also, make sure your support network of family and friends are aware of these issues so that they can help support you when you start meds.

Meds can really improve your quality of life is you take the time to find the right one and dosage for you. For me, they really stop me from dwelling on the intrusive thoughts that hijack my thinking.