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Thread: I am beyond terrified. I think itís real this time.

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    96

    I am beyond terrified. I think itís real this time.

    The other day I noticed how much more sunken in my left foot is around my ankle and side of the foot. It is really genuinely noticeable. I did have surgery to remove a large vein in that area a couple of years ago and I always put my sunken skin down to that. But it appear to have become worse in recent months.
    I realised that when I flex my toes upwards the muscle on my right foot is significantly more defined and strong and I can feel it moving when I use it. The left muscle is significantly weaker and smaller. When I flex my toes upwards I can see the muscles in my sunken section of my foot dancing like crazy.
    My brain is absolutely convinced that this is it. The other times I worried about having this disease I turned out to be fine, but this time the symptoms are significantly more real and I can see them and feel them. Im scared. Im throwing up from fear, crying and not eating. I feel like a husk and I am terrified. I spoke to a doctor on the phone the other day and he assured me I was alright, but he never saw my feet we just spoke over the phone. I am convinced that this is it. Iím so scared. It feels like Iíve noticed the symptoms super early because I really pay attention to things. Iím terrified guys. I canít live like this.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2018
    Posts
    5,778

    Re: I am beyond terrified. I think itís real this time.

    I know it's hard to believe, but this is just your HA telling you lies. Trust the doctor and think about ways of learning to manage the anxiety.
    __________________
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    Sometimes, it's better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness. - Terry Pratchett

  3. #3
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    96

    Re: I am beyond terrified. I think itís real this time.

    I want to believe it so much. That itís just anxiety, but all the symptoms seem so real. The sunken skin is real because I and people can see it. The worm like movements under my skin are real because I can see it. I donít know what to do. I am hope it more than anything that this is once again health anxiety and nothing more. Iím so miserable.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    1,784

    Re: I am beyond terrified. I think itís real this time.

    I know what you are feeling. I too am having yet another als spiral. But, I promise you, you are ok. Asymmetry is normal (so my doctor assured me yesterday when I spoke to her about my own!)

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    96

    Re: I am beyond terrified. I think itís real this time.

    Thank you. I really hope so. I think it was doing alright until the muscle started twitching and fluttering like crazy when I tried to flex my toes. Iíve done it since then and it doesnít happen so Iím hoping it was because I tired out the muscle and it started twitching like that.
    I really want it to be nothing again, but Iím just so scared. I sent a video to my old doctor today today showing him my feet. He said that everything was caused by the fact that I had surgery on my foot and that there was nothing to worry about. But I just canít drop it. I just want to feel Ďnormalí again.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    1,784

    Re: I am beyond terrified. I think itís real this time.

    I know that feeling! But with HA we always catastrophize - it’s sort of the nature of the beast.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    6,793

    Re: I am beyond terrified. I think itís real this time.

    He said that everything was caused by the fact that I had surgery on my foot and that there was nothing to worry about.
    y

    Thats it then, case closed. Obvious cause and effect, that you already knew about really anyway. Now its time to start repeating the actual facts to yourself over and over, out loud if necessary. E.g. I had surgery on my foot its not surprising there is a sunken area, I am testing my mucles in that area no wonder they are getting tired, one doctor has seen a video and another has spoken to me, both say its nothing.........you have to break the pattern of the 'what ifs' with repetition of reassurance.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    96

    Re: I am beyond terrified. I think itís real this time.

    I read some medical research today and found out this morning that nerve damage can trigger ALS starting from the place of the damage. So thatís really done a number on my metal health. That and finding out that people with an autoimmune disorder like colitis are also more at risk of developing the the disease. It said that people with an auto immune disease are more at risk of developing ALS from an nerve injury when they have an auto immune disease which I do. Iím honestly so scared itís unreal. Iím losing weight like crazy and I cry all the time. I spoke to my doctor more and he said it is 100% from the surgery which the muscles are shaking when I flex my toes and that it will never heal because thatís what happened from the surgery. But I just canít believe it. Itís all adding up with the research. Iím so terrified itís unreal.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Nov 2018
    Posts
    5,778

    Re: I am beyond terrified. I think itís real this time.

    Why on earth were you reading medical research?

    You need to start helping yourself here.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug 2013
    Posts
    23,249

    Re: I am beyond terrified. I think itís real this time.

    I'm truly sorry you're feeling this way. The reality is it's not real this time, but sadly, no amount of reality or reassurance can change your self examination behaviors, googling and mindset. The ALS rabbit hole is deep and dark. I truly hope you find your way out.

    FMP
    __________________
    "Eat. Drink. Enjoy the work you do. Be thankful for the blessings God gives you in this life. Live, love and seek out the things that bring your heart joy. The rest is meaningless... Like chasing the wind." King Solomon

    The best help is the help you give yourself! http://cbt4panic.org/

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