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Thread: English Summer

  1. #171
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    Re: English Summer

    Quote Originally Posted by pulisa View Post
    My daughter is terrified of saying the "wrong" thing and consequently suffers terribly from social anxiety.
    I am the same, fearful of saying the 'wrong' things and unwittingly causing offence to others.

    There was an incident at my day centre about 2 years ago where I said something unwittingly that 'offended' a young female student nurse, who was doing training at my day centre as part of her nursing course and she had the temerity to woe betide me loudly on the spot in front of everyone else as if what I said that offended her was 'crime of the century'!

    What I said wasn't malicious in any way.

    Mind you, said student nurse didn't hold back from blatantly admitting to being a full-on Tory-voting Brexiteer, given it was in the run-up to the snap GE in December 2019.

    Her choice obviously, but not something I would go around boasting about, even if my own politics are towards the opposite end of the spectrum. Bit hypocritical of her if you ask me.

  2. #172
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    Re: English Summer

    Quote Originally Posted by pulisa View Post
    I think you do have to accept that this is the way it is and that, short of actually saying or writing the words on a screen-for whatever reasons they can't/won't "hear" you with regard to your autism. I'm sure you feel it is rejection of you as an autistic sister but could you try to see it as something which they just can't get their heads around so they prefer to move on to "safer" territory? Just because they are your brothers sadly doesn't mean that they will be equipped to give you the mental support and time to talk that you need? Yes you were able to provide superb emotional support to your gay brother when he came out but sometimes this level of empathy isn't reciprocated and there is inevitable disappointment and sadness.

    Don't assume that you aren't loved unconditionally by them though? Just because they won't let you talk about your autism doesn't mean that they don't accept and love the "whole" you. They just don't want you to talk about your pain because maybe it might reflect on them and what they could have done to make things better for you? It's hard to analyse people's motives for certain behaviours and I know that you will want answers and answers now and I can sense your pain and deep disappointment. Maybe you feel a sense of betrayal too?

    I'm so sorry, Nora. We all expect a lot of family members and when they fall short it's wounding and demoralising.
    You're a very wise lady, P, and you're probably right. However, I'm emotionally challenged as well as challenged in most every other way (lol) and this is how I feel.

    I've been betrayed and rejected more times than I can say. You'd think this shit would get easier? Not so..

    You're right. I don't know what my brother's motives are. I can only guess and that's never going to be good ha ha..

    All I know is this..

    If one of my brother's messaged me saying how hurt they were that I ignored them, I would be tripping over myself to put things right. I would be MORTIFIED! Then again, I have emotional dysregulation and they don't..

    I'm just going to have to try and live with this aren't I? Maybe re-write the script in my head? What you said about them not being able to have made things better for me? That's got me thinking - especially with the eldest one.

    I'm a very complex person with complex needs. Ask my husband lol!! So I guess it's unrealistic to expect my brothers to understand me, right? My eldest Bro was leaving school as I was starting infants. He saw very little of me as a child and teenager and what he did see could be interpreted as 'shyness' or 'showing off' and the rest was masking because the ONLY time I was able to be myself was when I was alone. My other brother has always been self-centred so he's just being true to form here. Dude's a full-on drama llama! But my brothers couldn't have shown me more love than when our Mum and Dad died. They came good for me, so I need to remember that...

    Thank you for helping me to see this from another perspective.
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  3. #173
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    Re: English Summer

    It's just another perspective and I could be way out of course.

    I would also be mortified if I had been told that I had let someone down and ignored their plea for recognition and understanding. I don't think it's emotional dysregulation..It's a normal human response to distress and a desire to put it right and make things better for the sufferer. Your brothers were there for you emotionally when your parents sadly died but that may be easier to do than hearing about a lifetime of distress and pretence? They may just feel inadequate and unable to respond so they back away but still reflect on what you have told them..and maybe feel a bit guilty for not knowing about your pain..

  4. #174
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    Re: English Summer

    I appreciate all of the info and perspective you ladies give, P and Nora. Everything you tell me and remind me of, I use in my classroom. It may not be much, but just know it helps me be a better teacher, and that helps my kids, even if they aren't in the UK.

    Sometimes you do have to just accept family it's not going to change and just do the best you can with them or cut them out, and that's that. I've had to do both over the years.

    There are some students that do not get diagnosed with autism until the middle grades, when they reach puberty. It's more rare, but it happens. I've been to several of these parents meetings where the school psychologist and the pediatrician are explaining to the parent that their kid had autism and what the diagnosis means, and I swear they think we're telling them that their kid has brain damage. It's like, "NO, there is nothing wrong with your child's intelligence. They communicate and socialize differently. They essentially see the world differently. They aren't stupid." There are students with intellectual disability AND autism, but I think some people just assume they are one and the same. Maybe that's what up with your step-daughter?
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  5. #175
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    Re: English Summer

    Quote Originally Posted by AntsyVee View Post
    I've been to several of these parents meetings where the school psychologist and the pediatrician are explaining to the parent that their kid had autism and what the diagnosis means, and I swear they think we're telling them that their kid has brain damage. It's like, "NO, there is nothing wrong with your child's intelligence. They communicate and socialize differently. They essentially see the world differently. They aren't stupid." There are students with intellectual disability AND autism, but I think some people just assume they are one and the same. Maybe that's what up with your step-daughter?
    I was made to think I was stupid but I eventually realised (in my 40s) that the problem was in the way I was being taught? I can't do verbal instruction. Anything over one instruction doesn't go in, and even that goes out the window when I'm highly anxious. I realised that I am a visual learner and that's why my second lot of CBT succeeded where the first lot failed because the first was done over the phone (my choice, as I considered it the lesser evil than having to go in person) but nothing went into my brain whatsoever. Second time, I told the therapist that I'm autistic and a visual learner so he went home and did the entire course on his computer using pictures. What an amazing guy, right?

    I have memories of my maths teacher standing in front of me speaking and it's like the teacher in Charlie Brown. Wha Wha Wha Wha... The dude used to bust a gut trying to teach me maths (I was in the lowest set) and what he or I didn't know is that he was trying to teach an autistic child with a learning disability (Dyscalculia).

    Also, there was the old 'Look at me when I'm talking to you' at school. My inability to look people in the eye was interpreted as insolence and I was punished. This is why I had a go at a secondary school teacher on Twitter who has some autistic students in his class. This guy went on about 'punishing' kids who wouldn't look him in the eye when he was talking. He said, autistic or not, it's rude and bad manners. Also, 'they can't possibly learn when they're not looking at him'. I asked him if he stares at his radio in order to listen? So he blocked me, but not before I told him that there's no way in hell I would allow him anywhere near my autistic son!

    RE my step-daughter? She epitomises the type of female that is alien to me and this meant that I had my work cut out in trying to get on with her, but as far as I was concerned, my husband's kids were part of the package (as were mine) so I pulled out all the stops with her and to the best of my ability. What I discovered is that she was acting one way in front of me (us) then slagging us off on social media. One weekend we took her and her brother (my son) out on day trips. She was working at this point. We paid for everything and she thanked us for nothing but that was standard behaviour for her, and one which really aggravated me. She went home with a gift too and it transpired that while she was in the car on the way back to hers, she's put a message on social media "On my way home to spend time with people who matter"...

    Another time, she had my husband pick her up and drive her to ours (60 miles) and as soon as she walked through the door she informed him that she could only stay for 30 minutes because she was going out. 120 miles for 30 minutes? That's serious taking of the piss! But that's the kind of person she is. So, as much as it is hurtful what she's done - in another way life is better because she's not around playing the mind games. I should add that she considered herself 'the best big sister in the world' until she had her son, and then the big sister act disappeared faster than a packet of chocolate Hobnobs in our house!

    I've had four years to think about this and I've concluded that I made the mistake of thinking that I had to like her. I tried to like her but she only ever gave me cause not to. And clearly, she never liked me either? That said, I do care about her. I always have, and I always will, and that's probably why this hurts as much as it does?

    My lads never gave my husband any crap. They welcomed him into their lives because they could see he made me happy, and I love them for it. No such luck for me, and maybe I tried too hard? I don't know. What I do know is that I did my best with the capabilities that I have, and it obviously wasn't enough for her..

    The hardest part, for me, is that she dumped her brother too, but the saving grace is my son's autism means that he has no comprehension of any of this. It's me who hurts for him..
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  6. #176
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    Re: English Summer

    Is your step daughter's mother behind this do you think?

    To be honest it's a blessing that your boy is unaware of all this. My son would shrug it off whereas my daughter would be devastated and would blame herself. Another example of the challenges of female autism.

  7. #177
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    Re: English Summer

    Quote Originally Posted by pulisa View Post
    Is your step daughter's mother behind this do you think?

    My SD has only ever done what she's wanted to do, so I don't think her mother is anything to do with this.

    To be honest it's a blessing that your boy is unaware of all this. My son would shrug it off whereas my daughter would be devastated and would blame herself. Another example of the challenges of female autism.
    Yep, which is why it's taken me four years to reach this point. I forgot to mention that she dumped me not only after the DX but also when I was having the breakdown. Who does that?
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  8. #178
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    Re: English Summer

    People who are emotionally immature?

  9. #179
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    Re: English Summer

    Quote Originally Posted by pulisa View Post
    People who are emotionally immature?
    She knows where I am. She's blown any chance of a relationship with me out of the water but I can be civil and if she wants to patch things up with my husband (he got dumped too a few months after me because he asked her to respond to my messages and sort it out) I won't stand in her way. I don't have the right to do that and I have repeatedly told my husband this over the last 4 years..

    The girl was young when I met my husband but she was a grown woman when she cut me out and she did so in a very cruel manner at a time when I was at my most vulnerable, and I just don't have the capacity to cope with that kind of treatment again. That's major mental and emotional spoonage! In some ways I feel sad that she did this but in others I'm relieved that she chose to remove herself from my life..
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  10. #180
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    Re: English Summer

    I'd say that it's a very good job that you don't have to tolerate her behaviours any more. Sad for your husband of course but he's obviously completely aware of what she's like. She'll make contact with her dad when it suits her.

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