I Need Help Dealing With This

[PennyP123]

So I go for my yearly skins checks (skipped 2020 due to covid, but that's irrelevant to the following). At my last visit the derm gave me the all clear and I said "wait! I have a few spots for you to check." Long story short, he diagnosed as Actinic Keratosis. I would have walked out the door ignorant and happy if I hadn't pressed him on those spots. Ack! Now I have no confidence in him.

Anyhow, because of my extensive searching on Google through the years (big no no...but searching on Google saved my life in the past...so it's a double-edged sword)....anyhow, because I know too much for my own good and yet not enough for my own good I already knew it was a pre-cancer.

I'm having so much trouble dealing with that. I feel doomed.

Back in 2012 I was diagnosed with a mildly dysplastic nevus.
Now this...

I'm fair, blue-eyed, blonde and live in Florida. As I child I had countless sunburns and spent my childhood in the sun (oh those were happy times). Once I reached my 20's I got smart and virtually never went out in the sun...other than incidental sun from living in FL.

Long story short...how do I deal with this? I'm profoundly depressed. I'm having trouble working. I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm having trouble assimilating this and feeling as if there is any hope or future for me.

I'd love your words of encouragement. I really really really need them.

[NotDeadYet]

PennyP123,

First and foremost, I'm so sorry you are having a rough go right now. It sounds like you are having a moment that is quite troubling. Hopefully you will get some great advice here.

Secondly, correct me if I'm wrong but you don't currently have a cancer diagnosis correct? You are worried over the potential of one day being diagnosed with cancer? If this is the case, then the best advice anyone can give you is to live your life! Yay!! You don't have cancer! Even if you did, you would still need to live your life.

The best thing to do right now is to get some professional help for your worries. Are you currently seeing a mental health professional? If not, seek one out and work with that person on better managing your anxiety.

The light bulb moment for me was when I realized I actually didn't have cancer and was in fact living as though I did (I wasn't living). I was being my own worst enemy and creating some self-fulfilling prophecy about not being able to live my life.

Best Wishes.

[PennyP123]

Thank you for your response and for causing me to think things through...

You are correct. The diagnosis was not cancer. Rather it is deemed a "precancer" that needed to be removed in order to avoid any potential of it becoming cancer in the future. It was burned off with cryotherapy and I'm waiting for the spots to scab and fall off. I'm absolutely doing the best for my physical health in this regard.

Here are my worries:
1. Had I not shown him the spots, I would have been sent off and told to come back in a year. I would have been sporting 2 precancers and not have known it.
2. Yes, I'm worried about cancer in the future.

My doctor was very cavalier about it...said he had some of his own...that many people get them and don't even know it and told me my skin was "pretty good" and to come back in a year.

The above should make me feel better but it doesn't. I used to trust him...now I think he's being much to glib about it all.

Mostly, I'm trying to figure out how I just feel "normal" again and "happy" again and feel like I have a future.

Right now all I see is a myriad of scary derm appointments because back in the day (I'm 53) my parents never used sunscreen on my and then later as a stupid teenager I used to love to be out in the sun.

I guess I'm wondering how do I go on? How do I assimilate all of this? How do I "live my life?"

You are correct...I need help. I'm not sure where to find the right person...but I need help as I'm not handling this well at all.

I appreciate your response. Thank you.

[NotDeadYet]

You are so welcome!

The biggest piece of advice I can give you on how to move on is to learn how to challenge your thinking.

You pose two worries that can and should be challenged each time they come to your mind.

1. "Had I not shown him the spots, I would have been sent off and told to come back in a year. I would have been sporting 2 precancers and not have known it." Yep, that's probably true but that's not what happened. You pointed them out and he took care of them. Dwelling upon what might have happened is no good as it didn't actually happen. You can literally tell yourself "that didn't happen" when these thoughts come.
2. "Yes, I'm worried about cancer in the future." Same!! We all are! That's why we're here on this forum. But the future is not the present. You can't control the future, you can only control your present. Take the necessary steps to stay on top of your life and control the things you can. Get your yearly screenings. If you are no longer comfortable with your dermatologist, find a new one.

Your life is not controlled by some imaginary, future cancer. It's actually controlled by you. You have the power to choose how to respond to your thoughts. Remember, your thoughts are not reality. They are just thoughts.

Best Wishes.

[PennyP123]

Thank you...sincerely. You've helped me.

[Halle0587]

Hey fellow Florida girl! So I have had many of dysplastic nevus. Not proud but like you have had many of bad burns even blisters from a Bucs game before my wedding-awful! I had a precancerous spot removed from my shoulder via punch biopsy in Jan. 2015. that bought me bi-annual visits. In May that year my mom was diagnosed with Melanoma-stage 4 and given 9 months to live with the current treatment available locally. (Keep reading please.) I was terrified and started screening my body with a fine tooth comb nightly. I was OBSESSED!

I continue to see my dermatologist bi annually 6 years later. I now do my skin check monthly when I do my self breast exam. Knock out all the looking and touching in one day to keep anxiety at bay. I take a picture of anything “new looking” and compare the following month. One time I actually had a spot grow and I called and had it removed promptly. It was a nevi and she said good catch-HOWEVER, she did say not all Nevis need to be removed-especially if they’re stable. The doctors note them and diagnose you with them. So it’s possible if they are stable for you with no changes (I have one on my hip that is a nevi I’ve had for years and she said unless it changes it doesn’t need to come off, but she looks at it, but annually and I look at it monthly.

As for my mom, she was sent to Moffitt for a clinical trial right away and was given immuneotherapy for 5 months-should have been 12, but she struggled with the meds and stomach issues. So after five months of treatment and given 9 months to live she is still here with us 6 years later and is what they call No Evidence of Disease. So, I share that so you know even horrible cancers like melanoma at stage 4 are coming along with wonderful medications. Hers was near her kidney internally in her lymph nodes.

My friend, all you can do is the best you can now that you know better. Ask your derm for a safe sunscreen recommendation (no benzene, and no sprays,) cover up when outside-but still get vitamin D-download dminder app so you get what you need for your skin type. Take a supplement if your doctor recommends it since your avoiding the sun, but I will say, sunshine helps my anxiety so much. I, like you, stopped going in the sun years before my mom was diagnosed bc I developed a fear. But your body needs it mentally and physically. I’m happy to help and walk with you through this, get on a monthly routine or even bi weekly at first. Snap a shot of something that looks off and give it a month. Then if it changes I promise they’ll get you in to remove it at least look at it.

Sending love from the Disney area.

[PennyP123]

Halle thank you for replying and your wonderful words of support. I'm so glad your mom is doing well. I'm sure that was an awful time for all of you. I'm still struggling mentally with all of this. I already have another "chronic illness" that I've dealt with for 30 years and to be honest with you...I'm at the point now where I'm either angry or profoundly depressed to be dealt another blow. Then I'm ashamed because so many others have it so much worse. Your comment makes me feel not so alone. Just knowing someone understands makes me feel 1000 percent better. Thank you again. PS I love Disney and the entire Orlando area...that's about the best part of Florida as far as I'm concerned!