Hello everyone,
Haven’t been on in a while. I hope you’re all doing OK (although maybe you’re not if you’re on here reading this!). I just wanted to check in because I am going on holiday for 10 days tomorrow and I’m not feeling too good. I feel so exhausted and run down and I think it could be related to anxiety. When I’m working I work so hard that I get worn out but honestly, it keeps me sane. My mental health is much better as I am busy all the time and my mind is occupied. When I’m off work, I tend to spiral. All over Christmas I was convinced I had pancreatic cancer. I couldn’t eat anything and I didn’t enjoy the celebrations. It only abated in January when I got sent for an ultrasound and it was all clear.
This summer since finishing work, I was convinced I had a melanoma on my face (sent a pic to the Dr who said it was a normal mole) then this week I’ve been convinced one of my hands feels like it has weaker grip than the other. My eye is twitching, is that ALS? Etc etc etc and so it goes on running round my mind in a loop.
One thing I can say is that after all these years and so much therapy and self help, I am at least able to see the pattern of what’s happening now. There is a part of me that can stand back and notice that I’m in another anxiety cycle, and that at least is progress. But there is another (seemingly bigger) part of me that still believes these thoughts and has to go through these emotions and horrible physical and mental feelings.
I’ve taken three Covid tests today in case I have covid. Three. It’s excessive. I’ve had both my jabs but I still know people who’ve caught it. I’m not normally hyper anxious about Covid but I’m worried about getting it when I’m away.
Anyway, there is no real point to this post, other than that it helps me to come here and offload because I know that there will be people reading this who understand what I’m feeling and in real life I often feel that isn’t the case and I feel very alone with all this.
Thanks for reading.