After suffering with severe anxiety, health anxiety, and depression most of last year I'm finally starting to do better. I'm being more social and trying new things! I had been interested in owning a pet for a while. I really wanted to keep hamsters but my apartment only allows cats. So I looked into cat ownership more and followed a few organizations in my area. I went to an event last weekend and the organization really needed people so they signed me up on site and even gave me a big pile of all the supplies to get started. They said they would email me later in the week to set up a pickup for my cat.

Almost immediately I started thinking "what have I done," I didn't really feel prepared to own a cat yet and I regretted having them talk me into signing up right away. I had panic attacks every day this week worrying about it. I was terrified of the thought of being responsible for something, having a living creature in my safe living space, what happens if I panic and can't take care of it, etc. When I told a friend I was nervous she just laughed and said "taking care of a cat is really easy don't worry." They don't understand anything new is terrifying to me with my anxiety. The organization was incommunicative most of the week which made me more scared because of the uncertainty. Finally I emailed them and said I changed my mind.

I have to bring the supplies back tomorrow. I just feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I couldn't handle it, I'm dreading going back to the pet store tomorrow to return the adoption kit. I honestly contemplated hiring a delivery driver to take it back for me so I don't have to face the adoption coordinator. Before I was excited and told people I was happy to adopt and then as soon as it was a reality I freaked out! I talked to my therapist and she said she agreed fostering with that organization doesn't sound right for me at the moment but she encouraged me to sign up for more short term fostering program with the humane society, which has a program with a lot of support for new pet owners.

I have been struggling a bit in other areas as well, thinking of dropping a class because I'm falling behind and I feel overwhelmed with all the social engagements I'm starting to have. I want to crawl into my bed and stay there for weeks, guess I wasn't doing as well as I thought.