Sad, depressed, low self-esteem... I'm really struggling.

[Toby2000]

Toby, this is a new thread about the same subject from a few weeks ago..

https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showth...ody-Dysmorphia

I get it, I really do, but what responses are you hoping to get here that you didn't get before?

I wrote you a massive reply on that thread. I had body dysmorphia and that's how I overcame it. Sympathy is a given but it won't help you out of the hole you're in..

You can either keep recycling the same words under new thread titles, or you can roll your proverbial sleeves up and get proactive and that starts with the decision that you're going to do something about this rather than wallow in self-pity. Nobody can do this for you - it has to come from you.

So you think that challenging your thoughts won't help?

What do you think will help?

If you're waiting for a time when everybody thinks you're gorgeous, then you'll be waiting forever because: beauty is subjective.

So swipe all that 'other people' shit off the table and start with the most important thing - which is how you feel about yourself.

To change how you feel, you're going to have to challenge your thinking and re-frame, and that's the bottom line. There is no quick or magical fix here because this here is a prison of your own making and the key is there; you just need to use it.

Wallow on the pity pot if you want but that'll get you nowhere. You are allowing strangers to dictate how you feel about yourself? That's some kind of power to be giving over to people who you don't even know, right?

Also, the jealousy thing..

We live in an era of digital imaging where we can make ourselves look like movie stars with a few clicks. IT'S NOT REAL!

People on dating apps usually bring their A game to the table, and that often involves some kind of photo manipulation because God forbid we should see somebody as they really are? A little of improved lighting? Sure. Changing our features until we're unrecognisable? What's the point?

Have you ever rejected someone solely on looks?

If the answer is yes, you don't get to complain when people do it you.

The fact that you're only attracted to 'attractive' people suggests that you have?

You're young and that's why this shit matters to you more than it should do. I blame all this photo manipulation crap!

To me, there is nothing remotely attractive about someone who is fixated on their looks, trust me. But somebody who can make me laugh? I'm there. A twinkle in the eyes? Yup. A nice @rse? Yep! In my case, someone who can let me be me and not do a runner.

I'm married to a man who tells me I'm beautiful and the most gorgeous woman on the planet, and he's not always drunk. And this is on days where I'm in bed (ill) no make-up, and with a month's growth of leg hair. I hit the jackpot with this guy and it only took me 15 years to believe him thanks to me taking on board other people's self esteem issues.

This is the sort of person who you want to aim for if you ever want to be happy..

Anybody who will tell you that you're 'ugly' or use any other derogatory term - isn't someone who will make you happy. You need to adjust your expectations and search your heart for what you really want out of life..

That is, unless you're actually into people with as much depth as a toddlers paddling pool?

Thanks so much for this reply!

I actually completely forgot that I made that post... thanks for reminding me of its existence. I'll go back and re-read your other reply too after typing this.

Sometimes I actually do feel confident and comfortable in my own skin, but then I see a photo of myself from a certain angle or something and I panic, thinking: "Is this really what I look like?"

I can't remember if I mentioned it on the other post, but I sometimes film myself turning on the spot from all angles, and then I can spend like 30 minutes examining those videos and zooming in and seeing what looks "alright" and what looks bad... and then I find myself just accepting that I'm ugly and giving up, until the next time.

I know there's this thing of "it's not real," but there are people out there who do look amazing and perfect all the time, both online and in real life... or even just presentable all the time, by default, and then there's me who looks like an unattractive weirdo by default. I feel like I have to work to even make myself look remotely acceptable.

Oh no, I would never reject anyone because of their looks. Sometimes I might unfairly prejudge people in my head based on their looks, but I think everyone does that... thoughts can't be controlled, but what we say to people, and do, obviously can be controlled, and I would definitely never reject anyone because of the way they look. If I'm talking to someone on a dating app and I don't find myself attracted to them, I would just say that I have to leave because I'm busy or something, I would never want anyone to feel rejected the way I do sometimes.

Also, I love that you found a partner who treats you like that. He sounds amazing! I feel like I can only dream of that.

[Toby2000]

Nah, I get you. Half the people who know me refuse to believe I can talk, the other half don't believe I can stop talking! I'm the queen of socially awkward

Starting a new job is always tiring, but it does get easier as you get used to it. Pro tip: you may want to look into an apprenticeship in Business Admin, it'll give you a source of income while you get your skillset up.

Weirdly enough, I've always liked the sound of working in an office environment- I'm good with computers and that way I wouldn't have to see anyone other than co-workers. I might look into doing something like that.

[NoraB]

Thanks so much for the reply!

First of all, so happy that you have such a nice & supportive husband! You've been married for almost as long as I've been alive.

Ta mate. I'm on my second marriage lol (first one lasted almost 20 years)

I have no choice on the job front, my mum is giving until midway through next year to sort myself out and find one. Whenever I do get one, I would rather a job where I don't have to deal with people.

You've just reduced potential jobs to about 2%. Unless you fancy working on a lighthouse you have to get your head around the fact that you will most likely be working with at least one other person..

It's not that I'm bad at that, but I'd just always feel intimidated and judged and awkward because I feel so ugly and everyone else is so collected.

You can't see into their minds and read their thoughts but you're sure of this?

Also, there's the fact that I would have to see people from school who I haven't seen in ages. That's my biggest fear for some reason because I just know they'd be laughing at me inside their head.

Or maybe they've grown up enough to be thinking of other things? Like jobs or paying for cars or starting a family? Paying back a student loan? Basically a million things other than you, right?

You're making a lot of presumptions here Toby? And I'm a pro at this, so I know what I'm on about!

And then there's the apathy... I'm just so used to existing in my own bubble that doing things, hell, even getting up early, is so exhausting to me. I can barely even take the dog for a walk nowadays because I just feel so drained when I do the literal bare minimum, how will I survive in the real world when I have to get a job?

I'm autistic but I wasn't diagnosed until the age of 46. I had no support like kids do today. I struggled through my life - getting by on pure determination and nervous energy. While I didn't know I was autistic, I was well aware that life appeared to be a lot more difficult for me for than most other people. Doing nothing was never an option for me. I made many mistakes jobwise before I realised that shift work and working with minimal social interaction suits me best - so being a school caretaker was my 'perfect' job - working alongside another lady who made me laugh until I cried! I've worked in factories, warehouses, nurseries, and hairdressers as well. In my case, it was my social skills (or lack of) and communication which was the issue but I got around everything and learned to work to my strengths..

The reason I'm giving you my life story - albeit condensed - is to show you that I struggled too, but doing nothing was never an option!

There is a job out there for you which will make you happy and where you will work with people who like, and who like you. You just have to search for it and be prepared to make your mistakes..

But it would look & feel strange if I went back now, a soon to be 21-year-old failure sitting among 16-year-olds.

I went to college when I was older than you are now. I earned myself an NVQ in childcare and education. After all that hard work I got a job in a private nursery and realised that - aside my own kids (and now grandchildren) that I don't actually like other people's children all that much? Especially spoiled ones with equally spoilt parents! Oops!

I know you probably think I'm unable to function when I'm around people, but I'm actually okay as long as I'm not surrounded by people who intimidate me... mostly those of my own age. If I were living somewhere where I knew nobody, I think it would be easier to get a job and mix more.

You're surrounded by people who you are allowing to intimidate you and I'm afraid you are going to encounter such people no matter where you go Toby. You can't control how people act towards you, but you can control how you respond, right?

I think you are a really nice guy. I don't need to see you to know that. You're a sensitive guy and that's a tick in my box of likability. You just need to focus less on your looks (and other people's looks) and focus more on changing your existence to one which makes you happy and brings you some coin so you can do stuff. The perfect job doesn't exist. Even my caretaker job meant I had to speak to the teachers everyday and occasionally deal with workmen & three year old kids who wanted me to hold their pasta pictures while they took in a dump in my freshly cleaned toilets lol

Fear will keep you from living. You have to face that sucka and show it who's boss..