Existential depression, fear, rumination….has anyone overcome this?

[Vonnegutjunky]

Hello everyone, im struggling with all things existential, fear of death, what is life, why does anything exist, time scares me. I’ve had this off and on since I was a kid, I was put on Paxil because of it, now my Paxil doesn’t work, and I react adversely to other meds. I know this is part of my anxiety and depression, and the content doesn’t matter,, but the thoughts feel like I can really grasp them, like I understand them and they scare me, almost like I’m the only one who understands something no one else does.

Has anyone successfully conquered this? Does anyone else feel like this? Like with this feeling that you understand something horrible that other people don’t?

I just feel really alone and I feel like I won’t ever be able to be happy again.

[AbyssalStars]

I understand the fear of death times 10. In the past there were some nights I couldn't sleep either with the knowing I would eventually die sometime in the future, that my loved one was going to die, or that I was going to die that night if I fell asleep. Good news, I haven't died quite yet; bad news, I have had three loved ones pass away, so fifty fifty. What brings me comfort is my strong spirituality; that is what helps pull me through. Ever since I was a toddler, I have just had a feeling that this life is not the end. There is an afterlife of some sort. We don't just cease to exist when we pass away. Obviously this doesn't help me with the fear of the pain associated with dying, but it at least gives me comfort to believe that my loved ones are still with me.

I used to get caught up in wondering why *we* exist too. It just seems crazy to think about. But I have taken quite a bit of physics and biology where they discuss the Big Bang and the creation and evolution of life on earth, and that feeling of confusion and dread has turned into one of amazement and awe. It's amazing to think about just how vast this world is; and how vast all the possibilities are. Like, through chance and time, we evolved to be human. It's really really cool to think about. To think about all the past generations that have come before us too. We exist because we do, and I think that that is beautiful. Also, given my spirituality, I do think that there is an underlying reason for our existence as well (though I don't know what that is).

I'm not saying that you have to do this, but I think maybe learning more about various religions and spiritual practices might be beneficial for your existential terror. Finding something that resonates with you and that can alleviate the dread would be a good thing. I totally understand the feeling of never being happy, and I wish you the best. I think that you will make it through this even though it feels never-ending.

[Ponder]

I do my best to accept fear is on the rise and in itself the key ingredient to a desired self perpetuating system. I find this aspect quite evident in many well meaning quotes that promote fear of living whilst addressing death. As in fear an unlived life Vs death. That we 'must' live ... Not to debate the message of such quote but more meaning to highlight the fear it still promotes being more my point. I'm sensing it is in the acceptance of coming to see how such a system promotes itself, where in that process of embracing said sensing that one finds open doors that lead to less chaos, conflicts and so on. It's when we start to feel more relieved, less bound and more at peace.

In the same way overcoming is sold of as conquering - it too perpetuates adversity which creates and sells a lot of games. Typically those that flood the market based on fear with a lot of hacking and slashing. So it is with all facets of culture that do more than keep us entertained. The process of identification and invested emotions being part of the conditioning system from birth to grave is a complex web indeed. Best I can say what works for me is to take what we are taught and what most people say and turn upside down and backward and read between the lines.

Overcoming comes through accepting. Success comes from failing which is overcome by accepting. I embrace that unlived life and the fear to which I am told I must experience in order that I may live. Only then does time no longer exist and all those must dos and fears fade. Giving way to a much more peaceful existence devoid of said conflict.

I really don't know and am in tune with the concept that the search for knowledge is just as plagued as the ideals often sold. I'm a slow learner but coming to see how my own resistance and the way it's prodded by a bigger picture are less important than the answers that already lay within. More over how it is that the answers are not beyond or found outside us but already within. By embracing that which is driving the insanity outside ourselves and accepting that big scary picture by coming to one's own terms seems to be key of me. Dis-identifying from the fictitious character (capitalization) that is created as soon as we are born into this system is a great place to start. Don't fight it. Come to know it. Don't intellectualize it with others people word or warrant a quote because of who wrote it.

Create your own timeless world that does not rely on boundaries that we are taught to identify with, as being us, you and me. Disconnect and become your own author in order to connect. Leave the overcoming for the conquerors and enter into a more timeless world. Sigh ...

OK - reality check .. I'm off to learn how to play Kings Crusader II

hehe. It's all a game. Know your not alone and that more people are tiring of the same old movies and games. The software and programming is slowly changing - but we have to play our own parts with that changing. Respecting others peoples differences helps, but it's more helpful not to let that those differences bind us. I am not allowing myself to live in toady's PC (political correctness) world - yet find solace in learning to change the programing.

Best of luck with what games you play.