“Lipoma” making me feel (trigger warning?) suicidal

[HA1989]

I have a lump in a “sensitive area” (lady region) and I have had it possibly for up to 10 years.

I went to the doctor a year ago they said it’s soft and moveable and it’s fine don’t worry about it.

So I didn’t until last Sunday when I started thinking about it and sarcoma. I went to doctors again, this time they referred me for ultrasound. I couldn’t wait the 5-6 weeks so paid private (£354!) and they said it’s a fatty lump.

I proceeded to have a nervous breakdown and they wouldn’t let me leave because they were worried what I was going to do next. They let me go when they got me an appointment with a mental health person.

They said 98-99% sure it’s fine, I can’t accept this and needed 100%.

I think about it 100% of the time, I am living in so much fear that I am going to die and leave my sons without a mum.

I know that sounds crazy, like why are you suicidal then jf you don’t want to leave them? I’m not afraid of dying, it’s the long drawn out process I can’t cope with.

I won’t go through with anything at the moment because I am pregnant and my baby means too much, but I’m very concerned for the future

I don’t really know what I am posting this for, maybe advice?

[NotDeadYet]

HA1989

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. Health Anxiety is a very isolating experience. There were many times during the height of my anxiety that I felt so hopeless and wondered if I'd ever pull through. From one HA sufferer to another, I promise there is hope and a way to getting your life back. Thank you for being vulnerable with all of us and sharing your worries.

In terms of advice, I have a few pieces.

1) Be sure to follow up with the mental health person. I firmly believe the only way out of the HA spiral is by getting professional help and putting in the work. It isn't easy and sometimes you may feel like you won't be able to overcome this but I promise you can as you just keep practicing the skills they give you and work through it.

2) Find someone, a spouse, parent, sibling, friend, that you can turn to when you are having suicidal ideation. You need a support system that will help ground you and bring you back to reality when you're spiraling.

3) Ground yourself in reality. The thoughts we have when we are in an HA spiral seem so real that they become our reality. The truth is that they are just thoughts and thoughts aren't real. You can put yourself back into reality by challenging these thoughts. Let me give you some examples of how you can do this using your own words.

So I didn’t until last Sunday when I started thinking about it and sarcoma.

When you begin worrying or thinking scary thoughts, you can actually challenge it by saying to yourself "this entire spiral began with a thought. A thought that my brain made up out of thin air and has zero basis in reality. My current spiral is based on nothing." Say this out loud. Believe it.

They said 98-99% sure it’s fine.

Tell yourself out loud "The doctor found nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with this lump. It is benign." 98-99% is the best you can get from a doctor because NOTHING in life is 100%. This track of thinking that you need 100% assurance is something you will need to talk through with your therapist. CBT will help you reframe that thinking and get rid of that pattern of thought.

4) Finally, the number one thing that pulled me out of my HA spiral was realizing that I was in fact not living my life. Just like you, my biggest fear is not being able to cope with the process of being terminally ill. Death doesn't scare me but going through a cancer treatment process and having to put my life on hold is petrifying. The honest reality is that worrying about an eventual cancer or a cancer we've created in our heads is actually the same long drawn out process you describe as being afraid of. You are putting your life on hold, spending copious amounts of time worrying, and disengaging from reality. You are literally fulfilling your fear now! Take some time to practice challenging your thoughts and live your life.

Always feel free to reach out for help. We will be here for you

Best Wishes

[HA1989]

@NotDeadYet

Wow thank you for a that beautiful and thoughtful reply. I have read it twice.

I unfortunately do think one day my HA will get the better of me and I that will be the end.

I have already begun thinking about letters to leave for my family which is so depressing.

I have support but there’s nothing they can say that makes me feel better, I used to describe life as treading water, now it’s like treading mud up to my waist.

Thank you again I am happy to hear that you have more control of your HA than I do

[Fishmanpa]

@NotDeadYet

Wow thank you for a that beautiful and thoughtful reply. I have read it twice.

I unfortunately do think one day my HA will get the better of me and I that will be the end.

I have already begun thinking about letters to leave for my family which is so depressing.

I have support but there’s nothing they can say that makes me feel better, I used to describe life as treading water, now it’s like treading mud up to my waist.

Thank you again I am happy to hear that you have more control of your HA than I do

Please reach out for professional help. As was said, it's vital to your recovery.

FMP