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Thread: I’m 40 today and a huge failure - sorry self pity post

  1. #1
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    Apr 2015
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    134

    I’m 40 today and a huge failure - sorry self pity post

    As per the post title basically.
    Cannot believe it is my 40th birthday today. I’m going to try hard to put a fake smile on my face for the sake of my husband, and my parents who are coming over later with a cake, bless them.
    Really I could just cry. I have achieved so little compare to where many of my friends are at this point.
    I mean let’s look at it…

    I live in a house that my husband and I own, but only because of his job.

    I have no children, and no hope of having any until I sort my PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome ) out and to do that I’ve got to lose the best part of 10+ stone in weight and sort out the hormonal imbalance. I am forever telling my husband that I would totally understand if he wanted to leave, and build a family with someone else who could give him all that… but all he ever says is that he wants to be with me.
    I love him so much but always feel that I am holding him back. Even though he insists that I am not.

    I have no career. I used to work in a respectable, and rewarding job. Then I started getting some physical health problems, I have a chronic bowel condition which became more and more difficult to manage in terms of attending work regularly, as well as various symptoms from my hormonal issues which make it really difficult to hold down a job.
    I have not had any work whatsoever for just over three years. When I think back to how I was this time 10 years ago, or even less, holding down a full-time job and doing things without a second thought pretty much. I feel ashamed of what I have become.
    Of course now my anxiety has extended to panic attacks when I drive so even though we have recently moved back to just outside my hometown, to be closer to my family and friends , I can hardly go anywhere and it is just breaking me.
    If I do go out anywhere, there are occasions when I get fat insults from members of the public, and I walk around like a hot sweaty mess because of my weight.
    Yep, it’s fair to say I have absolutely nothing to be proud of on my 40th birthday today. :(

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2018
    Posts
    7,747

    Re: I’m 40 today and a huge failure - sorry self pity post

    Firstly: happy birthday! I hope you're able to get past your wobble and enjoy your day.

    Now, time to get stern: ENOUGH WALLOWING ALREADY! Stop comparing yourself to other people, they haven't lived your life and faced your challenges. Different people's lives take them on different paths, and that's completely okay.

    I'm just a couple of years older than you. No kids (disclaimer, I never really wanted them), don't drive (failed my test once and it shook my nerves so badly I never wanted to try again) and I'm horrendously, unhealthily large. I live on a dodgy council estate and work for just over minimum wage doing something that would get me paid half as much again if only I didn't fall to bits at the thought of job interviews.

    It's not an ideal life by a lot of people's standards, I guess, but it's mine and for the most part I wouldn't trade. I have people I love and hobbies I'm passionate about and honestly? While I'd rather be thin, there's just too much great food and drink to try. Besides, not driving is a great way of staying mobile.

    I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings, just saying that we all have our challenges. The people you know may envy your house or your loving husband and in-laws. They might secretly miss the freedom of not having kids. You're only seeing a tiny snapshot of their lives.

    Sorry for yelling at you on your special day. I hope you're able to enjoy it. If you want, drop me a message - I love to chat.

    PS: from experience, wearing a distinctive hat is a great way to draw attention away from your size when you're out and about. People always comment on the damned hat

  3. #3
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    May 2021
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    Re: I’m 40 today and a huge failure - sorry self pity post

    Happy Birthday 🥳

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    16,747

    Re: I’m 40 today and a huge failure - sorry self pity post

    Happy Birthday from me too...

    Not much I can add to BI's very insightful comments. I'm sure your low mood and anxiety will be contributing to the criticism you are heaping on yourself.

    I hope you manage to get some pleasure from your very special day even though you say it will be forced.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    1,973

    Re: I’m 40 today and a huge failure - sorry self pity post

    Happy birthday, I give myself a hard time sometimes because I compare my life with others but no ones life is perfect , at 41 I had a massive psychotic breakdown and thought I’d never leave the house again and my life was over but I’ve pushed myself through the hard times and still make changes and take chances , life can get better and change in the blink of an eye , my friends I grew up with range from a drug dealer to a crown court prosecutor, I consider myself somewhere in the middle and a few of my old mates have passed away so I’m lucky in that way and so are you , I recently saw an old mate at 8 in the morning drinking a can of strong cider while urinating in the street , not everyone is doing great, you have to look at the things you have got going for you and try and change the bits that aren’t so good .
    Take care .

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    4,918

    Re: I’m 40 today and a huge failure - sorry self pity post

    Quote Originally Posted by silver_shoes View Post
    As per the post title basically.
    Cannot believe it is my 40th birthday today. I’m going to try hard to put a fake smile on my face for the sake of my husband, and my parents who are coming over later with a cake, bless them.
    Really I could just cry. I have achieved so little compare to where many of my friends are at this point.
    I mean let’s look at it…

    I live in a house that my husband and I own, but only because of his job.

    I have no children, and no hope of having any until I sort my PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome ) out and to do that I’ve got to lose the best part of 10+ stone in weight and sort out the hormonal imbalance. I am forever telling my husband that I would totally understand if he wanted to leave, and build a family with someone else who could give him all that… but all he ever says is that he wants to be with me.
    I love him so much but always feel that I am holding him back. Even though he insists that I am not.

    I have no career. I used to work in a respectable, and rewarding job. Then I started getting some physical health problems, I have a chronic bowel condition which became more and more difficult to manage in terms of attending work regularly, as well as various symptoms from my hormonal issues which make it really difficult to hold down a job.
    I have not had any work whatsoever for just over three years. When I think back to how I was this time 10 years ago, or even less, holding down a full-time job and doing things without a second thought pretty much. I feel ashamed of what I have become.
    Of course now my anxiety has extended to panic attacks when I drive so even though we have recently moved back to just outside my hometown, to be closer to my family and friends , I can hardly go anywhere and it is just breaking me.
    If I do go out anywhere, there are occasions when I get fat insults from members of the public, and I walk around like a hot sweaty mess because of my weight.
    Yep, it’s fair to say I have absolutely nothing to be proud of on my 40th birthday today. :(
    Happy birthday! You made it to 40 and many people don't, so that's a plus.

    I know you're struggling at the moment and that means that you can't see the hope & positivity but it's there, believe me.

    I've bolded what I consider to be positives. You have challenges, for sure, (so do I) but you appear to have a husband who loves you. (so do I)

    You have your parents. I celebrated my 30th, 40th and 50th minus my dad (who died when I was 26) and my mum died when I was 42. There's not much I wouldn't have given to have had them there last year when I turned 50..

    So we know what your challenges are and what's wrong in your life, but I'd really like to know what's right aside what I've bolded for you?

    You say you have 'nothing' to be proud of? What about the fact that you not only have a roof over your head, but that it's yours? Or that you have a husband who loves you regardless of your challenges. Some folk don't have anybody to support them. Can you imagine?

    Like you, I have significant heath issues to deal with on a daily basis. Also a lifetime of MH issues and I'm a different kind of human being. But I have someone to support me and yes, I do sometimes have those same thoughts that you do. Will he get fed up and leave? I am a burden on him etc but he's still here and your husband is still here..

    So come on Silver Shoes, what else do you do? Do you do crafting? Do you make things? Do you bake? What do you do that makes you happy? Do you like music? Do you like films? I'd really like to know!

    RE the fat-shaming? I'm so sorry you had to encounter this. Humans can be @rseholes can't they? I've never been fat-shamed but I've been called a whole load of other unpleasant names in my time (different kind of human, see) and it always hurts. But one thing I've learned in my 51 years on this planet is that unkind people are unhappy people. People who call other people names have problems of their own. The problem isn't you; it's them. But I am definitely picking up (from your own words) that you're not exactly happy with your weight either? Many women are happy with their larger size but if you're not (and especially if it's causing you health issues) then maybe speak to your GP?

    When I think back to how I was this time 10 years ago
    This is the past. It's gone.

    Ten years ago my mother died suddenly and that night I woke up with chest pains and that was the start of my ill health. In that time, I've developed a panic disorder, (aside my 'normal' high anxiety) fibromyalgia, arthritis (almost everywhere), multiple chemical sensitivity, osteopenia, and now myofascial pain as well. I haven't been able to go back to work because I'm unemployable - such is the unpredictability of my condition and not being able to control it with medication. Having always been a grafter and contributing to the finances, this has been incredibly hard for me to come to terms with - so I empathise with you. My world has become a lot smaller but I've slowly gone beyond the self-deprecation/wallowing phase of the last ten years and I'm in a better place now. Like my husband says, 'It is what it is'. Some things can't be changed but I can always work on my attitude.

    That person I was ten years ago? She's gone. That's not me anymore. This is a different version of myself now and this is a different version of you but I do see hope for you re having babies because weight loss isn't impossible and you still have time.

    Even on my worst days I try to find one positive thing about my day and I've yet to have a day when there isn't something to be grateful for - even if it's to hobble into the bedroom to see that my husband's made the bed..

    I advocate a good old wallow in self-pity every now and then. I actually think it's cathartic? And I still have my moments, believe me, but when that's all we're doing, we're in trouble and we need some professional help.

    Health conditions can be improved, as can mental health, but it's only us who can bring about these changes, you get me? We can have loads of people throwing us the ropes which will save us from going under but we have to choose to grab onto them, you see?

    Finally, please don't be ashamed of yourself. Don't do that to yourself. Don't see yourself as one of life's 'victims'. Instead, see yourself as one of life's warriors, fighters - a courageous human being because that's how I see you.
    Life begins at 40 is a cliché but how about it?
    __________________
    A thought is harmless unless we believe it.

  7. #7
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    May 2008
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    Re: I’m 40 today and a huge failure - sorry self pity post

    Happy birthday silver shoes. So sorry you are having a bad day. We are here for you. And it sounds like you are extremely loved in the real world. So it’s ok to have your sad thoughts, and to sit with those, but I hope you can see the positives too?

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
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    134

    Re: I’m 40 today and a huge failure - sorry self pity post

    Thank you so much to those who have replied. I really am quite touched. You are all very kind.
    I think the act of typing out that original message made me realise exactly how much I have “lost” myself in recent years. This is due to anxiety making me feel as if my world has somehow become ‘smaller’, which is a feeling I am sure some of you will be able to relate to. And also the issues my two physical health problems cause me on a daily basis.
    It has made me feel that the time really is right for me to sort these issues out, and that this effort does have to come from me.

    I feel silly saying this… I have a “one day when I’ve eventually lost weight and sorted out my anxiety” bucket list. I will add that I know there are many plus size people who need a fulfilling and happy lives but for me personally my weight has such a monumental effect on every area of my life that I am not happy like this. I think that turning 40 has reminded me yet again that life is not a rehearsal and that this is my life to live and I am sitting here watching the days pass me by rather than being in control of where they go.

  9. #9
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    Sep 2010
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    Re: I’m 40 today and a huge failure - sorry self pity post

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I know it's abit late in the day. Just hope your day gets better xxx
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