Hi all,

I’m writing this out to see if what I’m thinking makes sense, so if anyone has any comments (or corrections!), it would be very much appreciated.

My anxiety lately, has become far worse, but I’m offsetting it by reassuring myself that there are almost valid reasons for it, and it will settle down once I get stability back, if I keep doing and start redoing the right things again…

- My therapist stopped private work, so I spent ages deciding what to do treatment wise next.

- I’ve been nodding along with an NHS ACT therapy guy, who is basically trying to corner me so I come out fighting - a lack of fight isn’t my issue, and I actually think my fighting is actually the issue.

- I’ve been pretty ill (just a bad cold I think), so the limited time I do spend exercising and doing physical stuff has gone out of the window, and been replaced my coughing and ruminating.

- Everyone in the house has suddenly started going away on holidays and things again, so I am having to get used to spending large amounts of time on my own again.

- My family are basically pleading with me constantly to start taking medication, and have adopted the attitude that because I’m not taking it, I’m not trying to get better. I think medication is becoming an option I’m open to, but I’m terrified to do it.

- My Sister in Law and my Father (who I worry about) have both been in hospital in the last week.

The result has been a ramping up of intrusive thoughts and a pretty constant derealisation. The thoughts are about the nature of reality and stuff, so I’m guessing that comes with such a constant low level derealisation - my old therapist simply says my mind is exhausted from the constant analysis of how I am, and why I’m like this. I can’t remember the last time I felt OK, and it’s driven me to a pretty dark place.

I deleted my last post because it turned into unspecific rambling from me, which I’m determined this won’t. Just specifics and back out.

If anyone can relate or has any comments, I would be very grateful for your input, as I’m freaking myself out. Does all that make sense?

Thanks, PHR. x