How do I stop worrying about partner's moles?

[elizabethalice]

Hello,

I used to worry a lot about melanoma on myself and have even had a few moles (probably needlessly) removed, but since being with my partner I have started worrying a lot more about him. He has lots of big moles, some irregular, all over his back and torso. His grandad also had skin cancer (admittedly he was diagnosed in his 80s and probably got it from sun exposure when abroad in the army in his 20s).

Just before we met (just over 2 years ago) he saw a dermatologist who said they were all fine. As far as I know, none have changed since then. But I worry a lot that there are so many we can't keep track of them all. I keep an eye on them and I think he does too, but we don't take photos of them/ go through them all or anything like that.

If it were me, I'd see a dermatologist once a year but he says he doesn't need to if none change. Which I do completely understand, but i worry so much that one will change and we won't notice as there are so many!

Can anyone offer any reassurance?

[Cptdebbie]

All you can do is encourage him to see a dermatologist. If he won’t, you have to accept his right to make the decisions about his own healthcare.

My husband died of lung cancer. We had several arguments, particularly when he was sick but undiagnosed, about whether he should go to the ER. I wanted him to go. He didn’t. He finally told me it was his life and his decision. I didn’t like it, but I couldn’t force him to go.

Much further into my husband’s cancer journey, he awoke one day and was having stroke symptoms. My son convinced me to call an ambulance. My son’s reasoning was that my husband had brain tumors (lung cancer mets) and wasn’t in his right mind. It was now up to me to make the decisions for him. So, I called an ambulance against my husband’s will. I still feel rotten about doing that. My husband wasn’t that far gone mentally. I really feel like I should have respected his wishes. He ended up dying about five weeks later.

I hate having health anxiety. Everything in my life seems worse when people treat as though I’m crazy because of my anxiety. I’m so grateful for the people in my life who respect me in spite of my anxiety and other issues. I feel like we owe the same to the other people in our lives. We need to respect them and their right to make choices different than we would.

Best,
Debbie

[bombodiemalodie]

I agree with Debbie. It's his life and his choice. Maybe he would agree to see a dermatologist again if you told him that you are concerned and then let you check them every 3 months to stop your worries? My husband is the same. He has loads of aytypical moles on his back. I try to keep an eye on them but he isn't bothered at all. How lovely to not be worried about every little thing. I wish! x

[ldickerson1973]

I'm going thru something similar. My husband just had labwork done and his A1C level is high. We don't know if it's diabetes yet until we see his Dr Monday. I'm freaking out because I'm worried about him and he goes into panic attacks over his health too. I'm trying to be calm and reassuring but it's hard because I'm scared. Neither of us trust doctors since they all seem to push unnecessary meds. I can't make him take treatment if he needs it and I also can't prevent him if I feel it's unnecessary. I know ultimately he has to decide. I'm just so tired of being in full panic mode all the time.

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[elizabethalice]

Thanks everyone. Yeah, if any moles were changing or looked particularly worrisome I would be frog marching him to the drs and not taking no for an answer, but as they haven't changed he doesn't think he needs to. Which is probably the right answer to be honest, I am probably being excessive, but I know if it was me I'd want to see a dermatologist more often!

I just mentioned to him again and he said he might do at some point but said not to worry, he checks them more than I realise. I do keep an eye on them too and I do think I'd notice any changing. He is also very good with suncream and covering up in the sun and he is only 31 so I know it is low risk.

My stepdad passed away from bladder cancer a few years ago which has been the main cause of my anxiety for years (he would still be with us if he had had treatment sooner). I think that causes me to get so anxious, but I know it's a completely different situation - my stepdad had very obvious symptoms for a long time and my partner doesn't have any new or changing moles which is the thing to look out for. I need to relax about it but health anxiety makes it so hard!