I posted a few months ago about being worried about my dad being in heart failure. Well he was in and out of our local hospital with extreme water retention and heart failure for the next couple of months until his consultant finally admitted him to another hospital over an hour away because he wanted to help him more. Well my dad was there for just over two weeks and he died suddenly a couple of days after telling me they were starting to plan for his discharge home.

I got a phone call from my mum as I was driving to work on Tuesday 24th August and she told me he wasn’t going to make it, he’d had a sudden downturn overnight and we needed to go straight to his hospital and be with him. I immediately turned around and ditched work and my clients and headed home to pick up my mum to drive us to the hospital.

I didn’t even make it home before he died.

We didn’t get to be with him, he was with three nurses when he died instead of with family.

We went to see him afterwards for “closure”. Not sure how much closure I got from that, but I know for damn sure I gained some new nightmares from that image.

My anxiety since my dad passed away has been RIDICULOUS. I feel sick constantly, reflux is playing up, chest pains, shoulder pains, headaches, scared to go anywhere but forcing myself to go to the office, overwhelmed at work, dizziness, panic attacks. You name it, I’ve got it. Health anxiety and OCD have been triggered big time. I’m just a mess now.

We’ve had the funeral, it was actually really nice and he would have been proud but I feel like it’s happened to someone else, like I’m just floating around watching it happen. I go through the day ignoring that he’s dead and almost pretending like everything is normal. But if I didn’t do that I wouldn’t get out of bed.

No point to this post, I just had to get this out somewhere.


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