At my wit's end with medication and therapy

[Jakemje]

I have been on here for a few years and posted a few times about different medications. I am at the end of my rope trying to find something that will help me with my disabling anxiety and panic attacks. I have only found relief from two meds and one with the help of benzos. Nothing else has seemed to help and by far most have made it worse and didn't get any better. I have tried multiple therapies also and know the techniques to help calm myself, and this alone is the only reason I don't run to the ER daily.

I will post on here a list of the medications, dates I took them, and the reason I stopped to see if anyone can make sense of why nothing seems to work. Know that I have Hashimoto's disease (thyroid) which is in normal range now with a dose of Synthroid of 250mcg a day. I have had adrenal test, echos, upper G.I.s, x-rays, MRIs, and just about every blood test known and nothing is found abnormal besides my thyroid.

1. Buspar (2004) Very Sedating/No relief
2. Neurontin (2005 & 2014) Did nothing
3. Bupropion (2004) Did nothing/Very activating
4. Synthroid (100mcg-250mcg) 2005-Still on 250mcg
5. Lexapro (10mg-40mg) 2005-1/12/2015 Stopped working
6. Valium (3x2mg-4x5mg daily) 1/12/2015-tapered off on 7/14/2021
7. Zoloft (100mg-125mg) 1/12/15-8/19/15 No Relief/Irritated
8. Prozac (40mg) 8/19/15-1/2/17 Stopped working
9. Lexapro (10mg) 1/3/17-1/16/17 Didn’t work again
10. Effexor (75mg) 1/17/17-2/19/17 BP high/Very activating
11. Toprol XL (25mg-100mg) 3/21/17-Still on 25mg
12. Paxil (20-40mg) 2/6/17-4/4/17 Did nothing
13. Anafranil (25mg-75mg) 4/21/17-6/16/17 BP high/Did nothing
14. Zoloft (12.5mg-25mg) 6/16/17-7/10/17 No relief with Abilify
15. Abilify (5mg) 6/20/17-7/10/17 ^^^^
16. Doxepin (25mg) 7/18/17-7/30/17 BP up/ Did nothing
17. Elavil (10mg) 7/31/17-8/7/17 Panic attacks/Unimproved sleep
18. Lyrica (3x75mg) 8/16/17-2/4/19 Expensive/ Raised Triglycerides to over 600
19. Viibryd (10mg) 9/20/17-10/11/17 BP up/Severe nausea/Cost
20. Celexa (20mg) 10/16/17-10/23/17 Reaction Severe anxiety/Crazy
21. Klonopin (3x.25mg-3x1mg daily) 11/6/17-Still on 3x1mg daily
22. Paxil (20mg) 11/6/17-5/18/18 Did nothing with lamictal
23. Lamictal (25mg) 6/10/18-6/28/18 ^^^^^
24. Remeron (15mg) 9/30/21-10/14/21 BP up/Slurred speech/Stuttering/Couldn’t control my speech
25. Seroquel (25mg) 10/28/21-11/1/21 Dizzy/Worst Panic I Have Ever Had

Therapies I have tried

1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
2. Mindfulness Based CBT
3. Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy
4. Psychological Testing and Evaluation
5. Intelligence Quotient Testing (just for school and Mensa)
6. Group Discussion/ Group Therapy
7. GeneSite Testing
8. Hypnosis
9. Exposure Therapy

As I said in a post the other day about Seroquel, I am tired of the "trail and error" approach but also realize, what else can they do? I would think in the present day, would have a more scientific way of treating this disorder than what we are doing. If you look at the dates, some meds I was not on for the typical 4-6 weeks is due to it had such an negative effect that I had to get off as soon as I could. I understand that most will make you worse before better, but not cripple you and wish for the world to end and cause possible life threatening side effects and when you can't handle the small doses of the med, how can you hold out to get to the "therapeutic level" that is needed to work? And when I say that my blood pressure went up, I am meaning my normal is around 130/82 and it would spike up to 180/100-210/110 when blood pressure has never been a problem with my anxiety. I have been in the ER with a severe attack and still have a normal BP.

My old Pdoc put me on a high dose of benzos due to the effects of trying all the other meds did to me. I was in a state of severe anxiety all the time to point I had to file for disability and leave a very prosperous career and ended up making a 1/10th of normal income due to it. All of this stems from my last Pdoc did not like the fact that my previous Pdoc (she retired) had me on Valium an Klonopin at the same time. I know taking two different benzos at the same time doesn't make sense, but at the time, she had me on a low dose of Valium and it was not working and she added a higher does of klonopin and it did the trick and did not want me to have to taper off the valium and go through that hell at the time. My new Pdoc had me come off the valium, 20mg, that I had been on for years and gave me just 1 month to drop it. I was having to do a 5mg drop a week and this set off my anxiety again. During the month I had to do this, we had a hurricane, I had 3 friends pass away, and covid. I used the analogy that the Benzos were a dam that was holding my anxiety back and he took out some bricks of this dam during a massive flood (worst time possible). But we had found a medication that work and allowed me to start living again. But, I can't take it anymore due to the actions of others. And please understand I am not trying to just get my hands on benzos, I want something to help me. I have tried so many and only found these that do. I am not the only one in my family that is that way either. I have a cousin that is a preacher that has an extensive list like me, that only a benzo would calm him and let him get ahold of his anxiety. If they told me that high doses of Tic-tac's would work, I would take them. But once you have felt the relief and they take it from you, you want it back.

Thank you for listening to me rant and carry on, but I don't know what do to. I have always followed my doctor's instructions and never abused any medication that was prescribed. I don't even drink alcohol... But I think it's a shame that (I will have to say this is semantics here) that drug "abusers" are causing people like me from being prescribed medications that would help us. I know that I am a drug "addict" in that my body is addicted and I know the the long term side effects of the meds. But in all honesty, they are no worse than the long term side effects of the meds they are prescribing me now. But also know that it was not my first line of defense. I didn't try one or two meds and then jump on the benzo wagon. I have done my tour of duty and want some relief. I can't be the only person in the world that can't get any relief from the medications and therapies...

-Matt