Hi,
I am posting in the general forum and I hope this is not moved as I am seeking general advice.
Some background - I have been twitching on and off since 2002 and have feared xxx ever since. The bouts of anxiety with this particular disease, when they strike, last for a 2-3 years. This one has been going since early 2019. I have tried hard to pull myself out of it and honestly was doing well the past few weeks - I starting exercising, going on hikes with my family, trying to sleep better. My husband has been travelling these past few weeks and I was even proud of myself for holding fort as a single parent...until yesterday.

For a few weeks now I have been freaked out by a certain member's posts that have led me to worry about bulbar issues. So here's what happened yesterday. About 10 mins after eating breakfast, i blew my nose and saw a yellow stain on the tissue and wondered if some of the egg I had eaten had gone up my nose. I had been eating with my fingers and usually the yolk will stick to the sides of my thumb unless I wash and wipe thoroughly which I had not. It could very well have come from handling the tissue with my grubby hand. I really should have let it go. But I decided to test myself. I mixed some turmeric in water and gulped it all down and then dipped a tissue in my nose. I was horrified, and also perplexed, to see a yellow stain on the tissue as I had not felt anything go up my nose. I had an immediate meltodown and locked myself in a room not knowing what to do. I coaxed myself to come out and I found the original tissue that I had used and found it stained yellow all over. I had used only a tiny area to dig into my nose, so how could this be? That's when I realized the stains were coming from my fingers - opening the turmeric jar and spooning some out would smear my fingers and I had not realized this. When I looked at my fingers under a flashlight - three on both hands were stained yellow.

I tried gulping turmeric water again, this time I cleaned my hands first - nothing. Then again, and again numerous times - still nothing.

All day yesterday and today I have been opening and closing that turmeric jar and handling the spoon to see if any gets on my finger and stains surfaces I touch and press (kind of like simulating wiping my nose ) - it does pretty much all the time. I have wasted so many kitchen towels doing this.

I have also been testing myself by guzzling MANY cups of water colored with - turmeric (bright yellow), tomato juice (red), raspberry juice (bright red), melted purple lollipop (purple), melted colored frosting from son's eclair (green), melted spirulina tablets (dark green), toothpaste (bright blue), mouthwash (neat - yes I swallowed it) - basically any brightly colored edible I could find at home. I have done this, at times, with a tissue stuffed up my nose as far as I can handle. I have tried wiping deep into my nostrils and blowing my nose hard - I have not been able to get any stains on the tissue. I am now at a point that my left nostril is bleeding from all this.

How do I stop. I have to get back to parenting tomorrow and I am having a huge meltdown. I am desperate for concrete tips - my usual strategies are not working and my husband being away is making things worse - he usually talks me out of irrationality. Am I being irrational or am I doomed, help please!