I know I'm posting again but I'm worried about my eyes

[Chlobo]

I'm not sure its that 'fantastic' Blue - but thanks anyway. I just feel that serial long-term posters on here are those that expect others to 'solve' or 'cure' them, they view HA as a disease and not a set of repeated behaviours and faulty thought processes. With extended motivation and damned hard work progress can be made. For you Chlobo, think of the years you have been in this position, it can take many years to reverse it, years of practice and retraining how you process bodily sensations etc. Its horrible living as you do now, fearing every ache and pain, being at the mercy of the fear which is overriding happiness. You have 4 children, you talk about needing to physically be there for them, but what about emotionally and psychologically 'there' for them ? Them being with a mother who isn't wrought with terror at every percieved terminal illness. They need you to get better, so you can teach them to be calm and fearless, they surely need you to work really hard at any therapy thrown your way. I don't really know what I'm aiming at here........I guess just hoping a switch changes with how you view CBT.

My eldest daughter is 8 nearly and she has no idea I have health anxiety, I hide it from her completely. To her I'm just a normal mummy, I put everything aside to look after them. I try to be very lighthearted around health with them, my 4 year old has had a sickness bug this weekend and I've had to put this anxiety to one side about my spine and everything else to be able to be there mentally and physically for her.

You are right I do need to put my all into my therapy, because if god forbid I was diagnosed with something how could I cope? My brother actually said that to me, how would you cope if you had an actual disease and I couldn't answer him.
I just don't have much faith in anything working and yes that's not a good way to think but everytime I try to focus my attention on my mental health another physical symptom pops up and takes my focus away because I then put all my attention into that symptom. I can't concentrate on my therapy because my mind is taken up by physical feelings.
I also think I'm not mentally unwell, I just have a lot of weird symptoms which would scare anyone. Then I question the actual need for CBT.
Maybe I'm not even making sense, I'm so tired, I can't go to bed until I need to pee and I'm still waiting. My bladder is full but no urgency yet, the thoughts are just spinning round about all the illness that could be causing the loss of sensation. I don't even really know how much I pee. I know I can hold it for a while as I don't go when I'm out of the house, only at home. I just desperately want to feel like I need to wee, then I'll relax a little more.

[Carys]

I also think I'm not mentally unwell, I just have a lot of weird symptoms which would scare anyone

Nope, this is mentally unwell. If you can't accept this is HA, and not 'weird symptoms that would scare anyone', then I honestly don't know what else to say.

[Fishmanpa]

My eldest daughter is 8 nearly and she has no idea I have health anxiety, I hide it from her completely. To her I'm just a normal mummy,

I know from 1st hand experience that kids pick up on WAY more than we give them credit for.... Just saying...

FMP

[pulisa]

But if you have 4 children under 8 how do you manage to devote so much time to your HA?

[Carys]

Kids do pick up way more; they hear snippets, see behaviours, watch interactions between people or hear them with doors closed between, note subtle changes in your mood etc..... (e.g. said the other day at the trampoline park that you were 'stuck to the chair' the whole time with fear and couldn't move) As hard as you try to hide it (and children know when people are hiding things) they will know your mood changes, nobody can be natural and happy with your constant fear and axiety taking up so much head space.

You are right I do need to put my all into my therapy, because if god forbid I was diagnosed with something how could I cope? My brother actually said that to me, how would you cope if you had an actual disease and I couldn't answer him.

In honour of your brother, who recognised the effect on you and asked a rhetorical question of you, make something positive come from his loss - make the change ? One day you will be diagnosed, we all will, we will all end our lives. It hopefully won't be for a very long time, till old age, but for many of us we will have diagnoses of 'things' before old age - thats modern healthcare and its design. You are living life as if you are dying, wasting it.

[Chlobo]

I've spent all morning worrying about cauda equina (spelling might be wrong) I feel all tingly and weird.
I woke up this morning and went for a wee, but again I didn't feel desperate urge. In fact I had held it for a good 8 hours.

They probably have picked up on details, definitely mood changes but I just say sometimes I struggle with how I feel inside my head. Im always honest. Just I don't want to put the fear into them that I have.
I have my therapy session tomorrow, hopefully that'll help some. Im just in panic mode right now. I can't focus on anything apart from my bladder and how it feels.

[BlueIris]

Just remember, therapy will only work if you actively put the work in to use what you learn during the sessions.

[pulisa]

So how many hours have you spent online "researching" cauda equina his morning?

[Carys]

Hours that (whatever this illness is) could have been spent on focusing on therapy.

I repeat -

In honour of your brother, who recognised the effect on you and asked a rhetorical question of you, make something positive come from his loss - make the change ? One day you will be diagnosed, we all will, we will all end our lives. It hopefully won't be for a very long time, till old age, but for many of us we will have diagnoses of 'things' before old age - thats modern healthcare and its design. You are living life as if you are dying, wasting it.

[Chlobo]

So how many hours have you spent online "researching" cauda equina his morning?

I already knew about it unfortunately from past research and it was something I always remembered. 😢