I know I'm posting again but I'm worried about my eyes

[pulisa]

I would say it's self testing
Does posting on here make you more resistant to real life therapy, Chlobo? How are you getting on with that homework?

[Chlobo]

I would say it's self testing
Does posting on here make you more resistant to real life therapy, Chlobo? How are you getting on with that homework?

It was self testing, I just went too far.
I don't think it does, I like to ask other's opinions because I can't sit with the worry.
I'm waiting until I really need a wee before I go to the toilet to test whether the feeling is there that I need to go.
I've filled the sheets out, it mainly asks me things like 'symptoms' then 'logical reasons for symptoms'
But that doesn't really make me less anxious, I just write it down but the what it is still there.
I clearly have some sort of panic disorder as well as health anxiety. This is just so deep rooted. I remember being 8 years old and running home from a friends house because I had a rash on my hand and I thought it was meningitis.
This has gone on for so long now, I'm 31 and basically all my life has been being afraid of disease, I don't want to live my entire life like this, but as much as I try to be strict with myself something knocks me back down again and I'm back to square one. After my breast issues I promised myself I wouldn't let myself get into that state again but here I am again.

[pulisa]

How have you been strict with yourself since seeing the breast consultant?

[Chlobo]

How have you been strict with yourself since seeing the breast consultant?

I've had various symptoms since my breast worry. I guess I posted about my eyes a lot and I was worried, that's all gone away now, vision is fine. Whether it was the aftermath of covid or anxiety who knows.
I mean, everyday I wake up and I have health worries that plague me all day, whether it's a sensation, a potential lump I think I can feel, it's constant and endless.
I try to let the thoughts come and go and pass but it immediately affects my body and mind within seconds of having a sensation.
I read in some of my CBT that we could describe it as a 'noisy body' rather like a car it creaks and groans from time to time. I try to install that thought but every sensation just makes me panic. I have days where I worry but I can almost control it to an extent, but then I'll have like a mini breakdown or a long breakdown over something and it's relentless.
I'm just petrified of death, dying a horrible death and leaving my children young and defenceless. It wasn't as bad when I only had me to worry about. And I now have four kids who rely on me, who need me here with them. It makes it so bloody hard to control the anxiety.
Like now I'm pacing round the kitchen, I can feel my bladder could be emptied but I haven't got that desperate feeling yet and I'm worrying. All I can picture is MRI's and doctors and hospital beds and death.

[Chlobo]

The doctors know how much I suffer, it's all in my history, my notes. They see me at my worst. But nothing is really ever done. All they offer is CBT, nothing else. I've heard EMR therapy is something that's good but they won't offer it.
I contacted a hypnotist who wanted £500 for 6 sessions of hypnotherapy which I just can't afford.

[Chlobo]

The doctors know how much I suffer, it's all in my history, my notes. They see me at my worst. But nothing is really ever done. All they offer is CBT, nothing else. I've heard EMR therapy is something that's good but they won't offer it.
I contacted a hypnotist who wanted £500 for 6 sessions of hypnotherapy which I just can't afford.

Or they look at me hyperventilating and crying like I'm a mad woman. Where is the help for Heath anxiety? They just throw anti depressants at me which I've been on for 10 odd years and they do nothing. I can't even stop them because I can't function without them and I get awful withdrawal.

[Carys]

Its not about THEM doing things - things are being offered to you, and have been in the past but unless you follow the advice and work hard at it, understand that there is no magic wand from the the medics, then HA persists . They've not just thrown anti-depressants at you, as you have had various therapy sessions over the years which you've talked about. I'm sorry Chlobo but this is really self-pitying and 'nothing is ever really done' is just missing the point we've been saying to you for thread after thread - YOU have to do things, you have to make changes, only YOU can do this. Its empowering for many to hear this, that the key to the freedom is within the individual, have ownership, take control.

[BlueIris]

If they do nothing, then you should switch. If you want to come off them, it's a horrible feeling but a temporary one.

You're not helpless, you've just convinced yourself you are.

[BlueIris]

Fantastic post, Carys.

In my health anxiety journey, the one moment I remember above all others is having a violent panic attack in a therapy session, so bad I couldn't sit down. I remember the therapist forcing me to do breathing exercises even when I told her they didn't work for me. I remember keeping at it for about half an hour with her, and the panic suddenly just dissolving. I didn't feel the usual post-panic days of shakiness and nausea, either.

That was when I realised that this was something I could wrangle for myself, and it was absolutely exhilarating. A year or two later I decided I needed meds, and they give me the stability I need to be able to look after myself.

You could, too, but you have to knock the self-pity on the head and start taking responsibility.

[Carys]

I'm not sure its that 'fantastic' Blue - but thanks anyway. I just feel that serial long-term posters on here are those that expect others to 'solve' or 'cure' them, they view HA as a disease and not a set of repeated behaviours and faulty thought processes. With extended motivation and damned hard work progress can be made. For you Chlobo, think of the years you have been in this position, it can take many years to reverse it, years of practice and retraining how you process bodily sensations etc. Its horrible living as you do now, fearing every ache and pain, being at the mercy of the fear which is overriding happiness. You have 4 children, you talk about needing to physically be there for them, but what about emotionally and psychologically 'there' for them ? Them being with a mother who isn't wrought with terror at every percieved terminal illness. They need you to get better, so you can teach them to be calm and fearless, they surely need you to work really hard at any therapy thrown your way. I don't really know what I'm aiming at here........I guess just hoping a switch changes with how you view CBT.