I know I'm posting again but I'm worried about my eyes

[NoraB]

I don’t think I’m emotionally manipulating anyone, I’m just desperate and in a hole.

You may well be desperate and in a hole, but that doesn't change (or excuse) the fact that you are emotionally manipulating people.

I am doing everything I should be, even my doctor said he doesn’t think I should do CBT until my meds have been stabilised because my mental state is too bad for it to be effective, I’m only on 5mg at the moment.

So that's your excuse for searching for 'brain tumour symptoms' on here the other day?

Most of you seem to have husbands or partners who you can confide in, someone that helps you feel safe.

More emotional manipulation.

Let me tell you about Mr Batty. Dude wouldn't know anxiety if it b1tch slapped him in the face, let alone health anxiety. Far from making me feel 'safe' when HA was kicking my @rse, he was frustrated with me and made me cry. Trying to talk to him about what was happening to me ended up in arguments, shouty ones. He was there for me practically speaking but emotionally he wasn't in the same street, let alone the same building! (So, you presume wrong)

I have no one to confide in

You are confiding in us (and have been for 132 pages)

I’m a single mum with no partner, yes I have friends but I try not to barrage them with this too much, as they don’t understand.

We understand, Chloe. That's why we make time to help you. (Help which you constantly choose to ignore)

You done that work yet?

[NoraB]

And watching someone go through having a brain tumour is enough I think to mentally scar anyone and for them to be fearful.

I saw my mum and dad go through cancer. My friend too. I went to see her the day before she died in a hospice. I'm not fearful anymore because I've done the work!

I am trying, I’m engaging with my mental health team as much as I can but some days I don’t always fight this battle very well, and I just feel like there’s no understanding of that!
I appreciate everyone talking to me I do, but calling me a brat and saying I’m attention seeking isn’t helping. I’m not a selfish person, health anxiety can make me selfish but that’s not who I am.

Chloe, with respect, we can only go by what you write on here, your own words. And I don't see someone who is 'fighting' to get better. I see excuse after excuse as to why you can't do the work. I see emotional manipulation intended to make us back down and give you the attention that you want. I agree with you in that HA makes us self-centred, for sure. It's the nature of this beast, but the fact remains that you are doing nothing to help yourself get back to who you 'really' are.

We're here. We are always here. We've never left you. How about some genuine appreciation for the time and effort people are still willing to put in with you?

Your brother's health issues may well be the reason you ended up in this state with HA but don't use your him (or anybody) as an excuse for you not doing the work to help yourself.

This pissed-offness you feel right now? Use that to help yourself. Prove us wrong.

[Carys]

Let me tell you about Mr Batty. Dude wouldn't know anxiety if it b1tch slapped him in the face, let alone health anxiety. Far from making me feel 'safe' when HA was kicking my @rse, he was frustrated with me and made me cry. Trying to talk to him about what was happening to me ended up in arguments, shouty ones. He was there for me practically speaking but emotionally he wasn't in the same street, let alone the same building! (So, you presume wrong)

BIG snap !!! (in all elements mentioned above)

[BlueIris]

Same here! Mr Iris is wonderful, but we had some balls-to-the-wall arguments over my HA that left me feeling absolutely dreadful.

[Chlobo]

Getting up and getting myself showered and putting my face on, that’s something I really struggle with when my health anxiety is bad but I’m forcing myself to do it. And actually Nora your previous comment of when we spoke about getting up and making yourself get ready no matter how you feel, that stuck with me a lot and encouraged me to start redoing my make up and hair

Taking my kids out, I struggle with this too because I’m too fearful of symptoms to leave the house or deal with the anxiety. But I’ve been going out and making myself do these things.

Eating and drinking, I don’t eat and drink when I feel anxious but I’ve been making myself do that too as much as I can

Keeping on top of medication, I sometimes don’t bother with my meds when I feel awful but I’m making myself take them everyday

Today I went to a group with the kids with play things and songs, on the way home I remembered I needed to pick up my meds and also get some toothpaste. My brain said nah go home, you can’t deal with that right now. I said no and turned back and got the bits I needed.

I’m home now and need some time to get myself together. I signed a paper at the chemist for my tablets and my arm felt horrible. I had to hold a flat tent with a large ball that was rolling in it with the other parents and lift the tent up and down to make the ball jump into the air and it made my arm feel horrible. I’m finding it really difficult to manage this sensation or feeling, whatever it is. My mind keeps running off on a tangent imaging all the awful things it could be, picturing myself at A&E having a brain scan. Horrible scary thoughts that I’m trying to turn off.

[pulisa]

Positive progress followed by the habitual symptom dump.

[Carys]

OK, I shouldn't be here replying, I said I wasn't going to........but.......

Chlobo, nobody doubts how hard things are, nobody underestimates the awfulness of having to push yourself through fear and panic, its horrible and tough and you are 'fighting' the panic constantly and just about scraping through each day in whorlwind of adrenaline. I'm glad you are getting out and about and taking better care of yourself though.

BUT - to my mind, these are still not the right things you are doing. Where is the reassurance ? Where is the background work on a list to carry with you ? Where is the evidence that you are truly trying CBT techniques ? Where is the realisation that you have control over this ? Where are any of the points on this thread put into practice ? (Apart from putting makeup on , which is a distraction and self care activity). I still think you are missing the point here, and I don't know how to get it across any clearer than has been done. You are struggling through the day, fighting (people with anxiety aren't weak and lacking courage, as they put up with a difficult daily life all the time and carry on) , but because the background work hasn't yet been started you are still in the phase of struggling and trying to 'get through' with a belief that there is actually something physically wrong with you that you aren't challenging. That is evidenced by the fact that you returned straight to your arm, A and E and scans at the end of the post. I should think thoughts of your arm didn't leave you at all during your trips out.

Claire Weekes talks in detail about floating through the panic, not seeing it as important and aiming on losing the fear of it.....I still think you are feeling the fear and trying to get through it.

Maybe Nora can help here, she's better with explanations.

[WorryRaptor]

It's good that you're trying to get on with your day despite the anxiety telling you not to. It would have been great if you had left off your post at the fifth paragraph, but you felt the need to add your symptoms again.

I think what people here want to see are proactive steps towards addressing the anxiety face on. Like that list of advice for example, or telling us what your mental health workers have told you to work on, and how you're doing that.

You need to get to a point where you've recognised the anxiety as the problem to solve, and not something to use as an explanation for why you won't try.

[NoraB]

Nora your previous comment of when we spoke about getting up and making yourself get ready no matter how you feel, that stuck with me a lot and encouraged me to start redoing my make up and hair

Good work! (I at least draw on some eyebrows when I take the bins out)

Taking my kids out, I struggle with this too because I’m too fearful of symptoms to leave the house or deal with the anxiety. But I’ve been going out and making myself do these things.

You'll get symptoms whether you're in the house or not. (Chances are you'll feel worse at home because you're less distracted by life and have more time to Google)

You have to learn to feel safe wherever you are, Chloe.

I sometimes don’t bother with my meds when I feel awful

Why? That's like me having one of my migraines and saying, 'I'll swerve the medication thanks. Gimme the pain!'.

Today I went to a group with the kids with play things and songs, on the way home I remembered I needed to pick up my meds and also get some toothpaste. My brain said nah go home, you can’t deal with that right now. I said no and turned back and got the bits I needed.

Good work!

I’m home now and need some time to get myself together. I signed a paper at the chemist for my tablets and my arm felt horrible. I had to hold a flat tent with a large ball that was rolling in it with the other parents and lift the tent up and down to make the ball jump into the air and it made my arm feel horrible. I’m finding it really difficult to manage this sensation or feeling, whatever it is. My mind keeps running off on a tangent imaging all the awful things it could be, picturing myself at A&E having a brain scan. Horrible scary thoughts that I’m trying to turn off.

Wow. Positivity obliteration.

I'm picturing an overworked A&E doctor telling you that your brain is perfectly fine, and asking if you're receiving any help for your anxiety issues?

[Chlobo]

OK, I shouldn't be here replying, I said I wasn't going to........but.......

Chlobo, nobody doubts how hard things are, nobody underestimates the awfulness of having to push yourself through fear and panic, its horrible and tough and you are 'fighting' the panic constantly and just about scraping through each day in whorlwind of adrenaline. I'm glad you are getting out and about and taking better care of yourself though.

BUT - to my mind, these are still not the right things you are doing. Where is the reassurance ? Where is the background work on a list to carry with you ? Where is the evidence that you are truly trying CBT techniques ? Where is the realisation that you have control over this ? Where are any of the points on this thread put into practice ? (Apart from putting makeup on , which is a distraction and self care activity). I still think you are missing the point here, and I don't know how to get it across any clearer than has been done. You are struggling through the day, fighting (people with anxiety aren't weak and lacking courage, as they put up with a difficult daily life all the time and carry on) , but because the background work hasn't yet been started you are still in the phase of struggling and trying to 'get through' with a belief that there is actually something physically wrong with you that you aren't challenging. That is evidenced by the fact that you returned straight to your arm, A and E and scans at the end of the post. I should think thoughts of your arm didn't leave you at all during your trips out.

Claire Weekes talks in detail about floating through the panic, not seeing it as important and aiming on losing the fear of it.....I still think you are feeling the fear and trying to get through it.

Maybe Nora can help here, she's better with explanations.

I understand what you’re saying carys.
And yes floating through the panic and not seeing it as important, that’s a good way to treat it. I am feeling the fear, big time. And it overwhelms me. I didn’t stop focusing on my arm the entire time I was out no. But it does feel really weird, so it’s hard not to have my attention on it. And it’s been over a week now and still hasn’t improved. I’ve been searching the forums for anyone that’s had a similar issue.
I haven’t actually read through a CBT module in ages, I can’t even remember the points it makes to cope and deal with sensations and symptoms. I know you’ve all said it here, to feel it and ‘ignore’ but as soon as I feel it I get that huge wash of panic.