I know I'm posting again but I'm worried about my eyes

[Chlobo]

Thank you all.
I feel sick this morning, I'm very scared.
I'm scared what he will tell me today, I also don't want to break down in front of the doctor but I always do, please keep me in your thoughts today, I feel absolutely dreadful

[Pamplemousse]

I shall be thinking of you, Chlobo - my planned day has now evaporated because I have knackered my back again from a lot of heavy lifting in my storage units, so it's a quiet day resting now. So I can send some hopeful thoughts your way.

I'm sure there'll be a positive outcome from this

[Chlobo]

Thank you Pample.

So I'm back from the doctors.
He did a neurological exam, he made me hold my arms out while closing my eyes, turn my hands over while my arms were extended and my eyes closed. He got me to walk heel to toe towards him, he gently touched the inside of my thighs and lower back with his hands and asked if I could feel it. He checked my reflexes on my knees and my feet with a little tool. He bent my toes and asked me to close my eyes and asked me if he was Bending them forwards or backwards. I passed those exams.

[Chlobo]

He then put his finger up my bottom to examine it. I have a small cut inside my bottom which is sore and when he put his finger in I could feel some pressure. He stopped rather fast and said all that was fine. He said if I hard a spinal tumour, I'd be wetting myself, pooing myself. He said it's been a week and a half now almost two weeks since the symptoms started and he said that if it was anything like caudi equina (spelling) or a spinal tumour it would get very bad and fast. He said he is not worried. He thinks I am hyper focused and in a health anxiety spiral.


Do I feel less panicked? Do I feel better?? The simple answer is no, I've sobbed to my friend because I'm scared.
I drank a lemonade today, and 3 mugs of tea and I have had no urge to go for a wee today, I've just felt bladder pressure and uncomfortableness. I'm convinced I have neurogenic bowel or bladder which is caused by a spinal or brain tumour.

[Pamplemousse]

He then put his finger up my bottom to examine it. I have a small cut inside my bottom which is sore and when he put his finger in I could feel some pressure. He stopped rather fast and said all that was fine. He said if I hard a spinal tumour, I'd be wetting myself, pooing myself. He said it's been a week and a half now almost two weeks since the symptoms started and he said that if it was anything like caudi equina (spelling) or a spinal tumour it would get very bad and fast. He said he is not worried. He thinks I am hyper focused and in a health anxiety spiral.


Do I feel less panicked? Do I feel better?? The simple answer is no, I've sobbed to my friend because I'm scared.
I drank a lemonade today, and 3 mugs of tea and I have had no urge to go for a wee today, I've just felt bladder pressure and uncomfortableness. I'm convinced I have neurogenic bowel or bladder which is caused by a spinal or brain tumour.

It's cauda equina, but...

You've now had an examination by someone who (most likely) knows better than Google and the medical 'experts' on the Internet. He says you have nothing to worry about after doing those tests: yet you are convinced that you know better.

So what's left, Chlobo? You can ask for a second opinion of course; but I doubt that it will be any different. You could ask for a MRI scan to prove the point, but really what you need right now is to get a referral to a psychologist (which I assumed was what you were having today) as it is clear to me you have lost any capacity for rational thought.

Would a MRI scan help, do you think?

[Chlobo]

It's cauda equina, but...

You've now had an examination by someone who (most likely) knows better than Google and the medical 'experts' on the Internet. He says you have nothing to worry about after doing those tests: yet you are convinced that you know better.

So what's left, Chlobo? You can ask for a second opinion of course; but I doubt that it will be any different. You could ask for a MRI scan to prove the point, but really what you need right now is to get a referral to a psychologist (which I assumed was what you were having today) as it is clear to me you have lost any capacity for rational thought.

Would a MRI scan help, do you think?

It would help yes, but I don't think I'd have much luck getting one he didn't suggest one or recommend one.
I don't know why I almost trust google over a doctor,'it's weird isn't it? It's a random web page.
I can't ring the psychologist until Monday but I will first thing. He actually said he wants me to do it ASAP, I haven't done it today as I was so preoccupied with my appointment.
I wish I could record what he said, the entire appointment. He was very understanding of health anxiety as a whole, it's almost as if he has personal experience. He told me he knew I would go home and still worry.
But he's told me not too worry and I have to try to trust that. I just have a panic attack every time I feel pressure in my bladder and no urge to pee and I flip out and can't control myself, same with bowel movements.

[pulisa]

Is it a private psychologist appointment, Chlobo?

[Chlobo]

My bladder actually hurts.
I'll be honest as this is probably the only place I can be, but I keep having thoughts of killing myself, I wouldn't actually do it, because I'm scared of death, but what's this life? And what's the point. I have no achievements, 31 years of fear, the best moments of my life were having my kids but what kind of mum am I to them? Full of fear all the time, panicked to the point of madness. 31 years old and every day is a fight, a battle that I don't feel like I can win. It's my little girls birthday tomorrow and I can't even focus on it because I'm so tormented.
Every day is a day closer to death, and that's all I can think of. It's cruel that we have so much awareness don't you think? Cruel that we know our own mortality and our eventual fates.

[Pamplemousse]

My bladder actually hurts.
I'll be honest as this is probably the only place I can be, but I keep having thoughts of killing myself, I wouldn't actually do it, because I'm scared of death, but what's this life? And what's the point. I have no achievements, 31 years of fear, the best moments of my life were having my kids but what kind of mum am I to them? Full of fear all the time, panicked to the point of madness. 31 years old and every day is a fight, a battle that I don't feel like I can win. It's my little girls birthday tomorrow and I can't even focus on it because I'm so tormented.
Every day is a day closer to death, and that's all I can think of. It's cruel that we have so much awareness don't you think? Cruel that we know our own mortality and our eventual fates.

Right, before this post gets removed for being "triggering" (which it surely will because I've had similar posts removed), is there anyone you can get to look after your children *now*? Because I am very much of the opinion that you need to head off to your nearest A&E and mention these thoughts to them as a matter of urgency.

[Chlobo]

Right, before this post gets removed for being "triggering" (which it surely will because I've had similar posts removed), is there anyone you can get to look after your children *now*? Because I am very much of the opinion that you need to head off to your nearest A&E and mention these thoughts to them as a matter of urgency.

There's no point, they won't do anything.
Plus I have my children, I can't leave them to go A&E I have no one to look after them.
I won't actually do anything, it's thoughts. I'm just so tired, I have nothing left in me