I know I'm posting again but I'm worried about my eyes

[Chlobo]

The work that you started here? What has happened to this?

I spoke to my therapist and told her I'm struggling to do the work my panic is so bad.
She is going to speak to me Wednesday to discuss things as my doctor told me to email her so I'm hoping she will be able to help

[Fishmanpa]

If I was making NO effort to personally control this my kids wouldn't be going to school everyday with clean clothes, packed lunches, school work done, dinner on the table when they get home and I wouldn't be taking new medication and keeping in touch with my doctor. Every part of my effort in controlling this is looking after my home and my kids and that's being done regardless of how I feel. I'm a single mum, I get no help with childcare so it all falls onto me.
If you have ever had severe uncontrollable panic then you'd understand how hard it is to stop yourself boiling over like a cauldron which is what would happen if I didn't confide in people close to me.
Isn't that what friendships and family are about??
I know my friend and my mum very well, and trust me when I say I am always on top of how they're feeling too, they aren't afraid to tell me when they've had enough, my mum especially who has dealt with my health anxiety for almost 15 years. My mum hasn't been in the position to support me many times due to her mental health but she's started new medication recently and that has helped her to help me.


You talk about the straw breaking the camels back, how do you know you're not that straw to me?
How do you know that your posts today haven't done more damage than good. Like i said before some of the points you're making I agree with, but my god there is a way to speak to someone who is feeling vulnerable. This is after all, a health anxiety forum and we all suffer the same. I have taken on some of your advice and my advice to you would be to step back and just please think before making potentially harmful statements.

This is just an observation and I want you to take note of this Chlobo.... Compared to just about every other post in the years you've been here, this comes across as a completely different person. This is not the reiteration of symptoms nor reassurance seeking. This truly sounds like a different person. I've seen this before here with serial posters. When the poo hits the fan and when smacked upside the head and challenged, a different person seems to respond. And honestly, I see what you're doing concerning laying a guilt trip but the reality is, despite the delivery, which I agree was a bit on the harsh side, Sar89 does have a valid point and I do think her intentions were good.

That said, it shows me that deep down you know what the deal is. I get it, you're struggling but if you possess the inner fortitude to respond to the challenges presented to you here, you certainly have the inner fortitude to challenge your dragon.

You've taken positive steps with medication and seeking therapy and real life help but its posting on a forum and seeking reassurance that you know full well doesn't work that need to be addressed as well. Think of it like an alcoholic that still drinks even when going top AA meetings. You're setting yourself up for failure if you continue the behaviors that got you here.

And it bears repeating that your reply to Sar89 affirms that there is a Chlobo inside that can fight for herself.

Just some food for thought

FMP

[Sar89]

Everytime I get past a symptom and I start to calm down, I put my all into therapy and then something else comes up and I have this total sheer panic. Everytime I get my head into therapy something comes along and I think 'this is real' I feel like I'm waiting to get seriously sick.

I am so afraid of leaving my kids without a mum, and that's what scares me so much. My 8 year old daughter is currently being assessed for learning difficulties. I can't bare the thought of dying when they're so young, and that's what frightens me to death every single day, the thought of mummy being gone, I just cannot bare it.

The last few months it has been one thing after another, maybe a weeks break in between where I can sort of carry on and the anxiety sort of simmers.
I just feel like the 'feeling' of needing to wee has changed, the sensation has changed and it isn't the same as what it used to be. I'm silly for googling because that's why I'm here now in another state.
The doctor wasn't concerned about what I told him but when something changes in your body it's scary as hell isn't it. I'm sure that when I needed to pee I used to get more of a feeling in my bits rather than just bladder pressure. And yes I agree health anxiety can be a very selfish thing, but mine is more related to my children and them needing me.

Hey Chlobo, so Iv just read ur message and I want you to type in sarah1989 into the search bar and read my old threads. I sound rather like you in them Iv just been reading them. As something you said struck a chord with me which is the can’t bear the thought of dying with them being so young. Now that I can truly understand. It still to this day sends a flood of panic into my body if I think about it deeply. Years ago it used to make me really unwell ruminating on my impending death. Put it this way I didn’t think I would make it to 2022. I do stand by what I said Chloe in the you need to get a grip. People think it’s harsh but at some point all of us anxiety sufferers do need to get a grip and haul ourselves out of the pit we find ourselves screaming at the bottom of. No medical intervention in the world can make you better unless you give 100% and go in with the right attitude. I think it’s also important to note that you will never go back to the old you before anxiety as that person doesn’t exist.. I’m not saying that’s what you expect but I do see a lot of people have that wish and that was one of my main wishes. Anxiety will always be there it’s the most faithful companion you will ever have. However you CAN control it. You just need to get your mind right and in the game. Do have a peruse through my old posts I think they will resonate with you. Sarah

[Fishmanpa]

No medical intervention in the world can make you better unless you give 100% and go in with the right attitude.

" Life is 10% what happens to us, 90% how we handle it." - Charles Swindoll

FMP

[Sar89]

Never a truer word was spoken. Fishmanpa I’m having a read of all my old hysterical posts on my old profile sarah1989… the ruminations of a lunatic they are basically and I want to thank you. You always had time and patience with me even when I frankly didn’t deserve it. You actually really made a significant impact on my anxiety. I wrote a lot on the forum but there was also a hell of a lot of things that I wouldn’t write. I remember I sometimes used to just go through my posts and read your replies and even the tone with which you wrote would calm me down enough to have some rational thoughts. I would always feel relief reading your replies and what strikes me now reading back is you never ever replied back giving me reassurance for the symptoms I would have. I believe u refused to feed into my spiral beast. You are such an iconic figure on NMP and I hope you continue to have an impact on people. Sarah

[Fishmanpa]

Never a truer word was spoken. Fishmanpa I’m having a read of all my old hysterical posts on my old profile sarah1989… the ruminations of a lunatic they are basically and I want to thank you. You always had time and patience with me even when I frankly didn’t deserve it. You actually really made a significant impact on my anxiety. I wrote a lot on the forum but there was also a hell of a lot of things that I wouldn’t write. I remember I sometimes used to just go through my posts and read your replies and even the tone with which you wrote would calm me down enough to have some rational thoughts. I would always feel relief reading your replies and what strikes me now reading back is you never ever replied back giving me reassurance for the symptoms I would have. I believe u refused to feed into my spiral beast. You are such an iconic figure on NMP and I hope you continue to have an impact on people. Sarah

From the bottom of my heart, I truly appreciate your kind words. I went back and looked at some of my posts through the years, all the people I responded to, many of which I stay in touch with through Facebook, And I'm happy to have stuck around as long as I have (especially with my health issues!). So I was looking at some of my replies to you through the years and yeah, I told it like it was for sure. May not have been the tea and sympathy you were seeking but it was real based on my own personal experiences

I came across this reply in one of the threads you posted and I thought I'd copy it here because its so relevant to the situation. And its interesting, as a father of a daughter with severe anxiety and depression, When I look back at my posts. I said pretty much the same things in the same way to her. If she was being ridiculous, I didn't hesitate to tell her. I'd be there to make sure she was Ok but I also literally forced her to breathe and get a hold of herself. There were many a night on the phone with her getting her to focus on simple breathing as her anxiety was so out of control. But we got there and are still getting there.

I started the thread called "My Daughter's Journey". She's been journaling her pledge to address the dragon and I asked her if I could post some of her thoughts and she said yes. Of course, I will forego any personal information etc. but I thought it would be inspiration to others fighting the dragon. She has support in her family and professionally and she fights hard every day but she also knows just how damn hard it is but still comes back every day. And as I said, the way I speak to her is much the way I am here.

Anyway... here's the reply....

I take it the 1989 is your birth year. That makes you my son's age. As a parent of a daughter who suffers from anxiety and depression, I've had to juggle being a parent, therapist and friend. I'll tell you what I told my daughter when she came to me with her issues... "Get help!" Fortunately, I, along with her mother made sure she did. She takes meds and goes to therapy. She had a few rough times, took some time to heal and moved on, graduating college in December and just landing her first job in the field she loves (teaching pre-school and kindergarten). She still has her moments but she also has the tools to deal with them.

These are just words on a screen but if they can motivate you to take the steps toward healing, it's worth typing them. Ultimately, this is up to you TAKE THE MEDS! Deal with the start up side effects and allow them to start working. As they do, it will enable you to do more. Meds aren't the end all to end all. They're a crutch until you're strong enough to walk on your own. And if you need that crutch for a while? So what?

You say you don't now what to do anymore. Obviously, what you're currently doing isn't working so you have to try something else. It's been placed in front of you. The choice is yours to make. Make the obvious choice!

Positive thoughts

FMP

[BlueIris]

Wow, that exchange was a wonderful thing to wake up to. I worry a lot that I'm too unkind on the forums here. In the end, though, no matter how much I sobbed and fretted about it at the time when my husband refused to offer constant reassurance, a reality check was the only thing that worked. It was certainly what finally made me realise I had to take responsibility and get my phobic a$$ to the doctor.

Chlobo, I agree we've seen a different side to you when you responded to these harsher posts. It's coherent, eloquent and intelligent - a smart, sensible person taking control of the situation. This is who you really are, and thus is the person who can deal with your health anxiety. As FMP has pointed out, you're not helpless when you genuinely feel threatened.

Keep that in mind on your journey.

[Sar89]

I remember that particular reply FMP think you had got abit sick of my shit one day 🤣 I appreciate you and you made an impact on my life at a time someone needed to. So from the bottom of my heart as I said, Thankyou so much. Also Blueiris, Thankyou also ! For seeing someone in need and reaching out despite having your own problems and also a bit of ‘burnout’ from offering so much invaluable advice and time on this page. You are appreciated also. Now Chloe, about that grip you need to get of yourself, my advice would be get a diary today and start scrawling in it. Get on YouTube and watch some short meditation or yoga for beginners, leave your mum alone abit, plaster a smile on even when you really don’t feel like it and take the opportunity to re-evaluate what you Chloe want as person out of your life. Forget the anxiety where do you want to be in say 1 years time? And start working towards it. People on this page are always here to support but you have to as I have repeatedly said take some responsibility for yourself and your recovery at this point. Sarah

[pulisa]

I spoke to my therapist and told her I'm struggling to do the work my panic is so bad.
She is going to speak to me Wednesday to discuss things as my doctor told me to email her so I'm hoping she will be able to help

So you don't need to fill in any new application form as you are already having therapy and if this therapist feels that you are too anxious to engage in CBT then she will speak to her colleagues for advice as to the next step if there needs to be one.

[Chlobo]

Hi everyone, I'll respond to everyone on this post. I hope that's okay, I just thought it would be easier...

Sar - I have read all of your previous posts, I have bought a diary to write things down in, and I have been working on calming breathing exercises.
Do you feel like you have come a long way since those posts? Do you still feel the same level of anxiety now as you did then?

Fishman - I do have fight in me, and I do want to get better, but a part of getting better is accepting the physical symptoms are anxiety and honestly I struggle to accept that, and that's why I struggle with CBT because it's accepting feelings as anxiety and working on that, rather than believing you have a physical illness.
I'm in a bad place and I have been for months with my anxiety in general. I am definitely always going to be an anxious person when it comes to illness and doctors, but I'd definitely like to be able to control it better, and perhaps be able to go for straightforward tests without feeling so frightened.

Blue - you have been a constant on my threads and I do appreciate that, sometimes you can be a little straight to the point but that doesn't bother me, I appreciate your advice the same as I do Fishmans.
I am definitely not helpless, but like I said to fish I struggle to accept that physical sensations are always anxiety and that's the issue. If I could feel a sensation and move past it that would definitely help with succeeding in my CBT and panic episodes.


Pulisa- My doctor asked me to do both, he asked me to speak to my current therapist to see if she could offer something else, But also to fill out my referral from which is for a different mental health team. The tools I have been given to use to ease my health anxiety I struggle with, most of them are distraction techniques but the anxiety is more powerful than the distractions it seems, what I seem to experience is a lot of blind panic, where I'm like a headless chicken and that can happen in seconds. My brain definitely needs 'training' to not go from 1 to 1000 and sheet panic in seconds. But that's something I have never been able to effectively manage.