I know I'm posting again but I'm worried about my eyes

[NoraB]

My children were at a club that day with their friends. That's why I took the opportunity to go. They went from morning till late afternoon so it gave me plenty of time to get there and back

So you knew that you wouldn't be kept in then?

Interesting this because I always went in the full confidence that I would be kept in. (I never was)

[Chlobo]

So you knew that you wouldn't be kept in then?

Interesting this because I always went in the full confidence that I would be kept in. (I never was)

At the time I did, when I was waiting for my results I was thinking there would be something wrong and I would be, in that instance I've got a friend that can pick my kids up. Thankfully the MRI was all clear

[Carys]

Thankfully the MRI was all clear

Absolutely unsurprisingly and 100 percent expectedly the MRI was clear.

Have you started your new meds, how are they going ?

[NoraB]

Thankfully the MRI was all clear

Given your history, that was always going to be the most likely outcome lovely. And it would be good if it was some use to you but clearly it's not given you reassurance as you still think there's something wrong - as is the nature with health anxiety.

I function with autism, panic disorder, OCD, GAD, OMD (no wait, that's an 80s band) numerous physical shittities (not an actual word) and I have a back story that most folk wouldn't want so it's not been exactly easy for me to control health anxiety either, but I did it and I still am controlling it very nicely ta..

I went on holiday this week and my brain remembered all those other panic attacks I've had on previous holidays so it gave me one at 2am on the first night. Did it bother me? Nah. I went downstairs, threw open the windows and listened to the seagulls who were surprisingly active? Half and hour later I was back in bed snuggled under my heated blanket. I had one attack all week as opposed to the holidays I had when I was mentally unwell with HA and I was experiencing multiple attacks a night and dragging my family home three days early or not going at all..

My point is that the mind will always try to lie to us, and especially with people who have OCD. I took my OCD with me. My checking habit doesn't take a holiday but I function with it (so I cope) and my checking habit cancels out my dozy husband's habit of leaving things on or unlocked so it works quite well for us.

I had my usual OCD thoughts but I recognise them for what they are, thoughts, not reality.

I took everything else with me too. One suitcase for my clothes, one for all my shit.

I spent the first few days taking my opioid medication (fun where cliffs are involved ha) and using my heat-pad for abdominal pain. I know I am intolerant to gluten so dickhead me had some toast the day before we came away.

I've had two migraines on holiday and was in bed most of yesterday when we came back. So I took all my crap with me but I still had a great time. That's because I didn't take fear with me. Thing is, I've had to accept that I have these physical & mental problems, and me being autistic isn't going change unless I have a brain transplant. So the only option I have is to accept everything and live as best I can. This is my choice. I choose to stick the proverbial V's up to it all and as a result life sucks less than it could do. This is what you need to do Chloe. Go full on Liam Gallagher with your health anxiety. Give it a bucket hat and start elongating your Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa's. Stare at it like it's something you trod in on the carpet. THINK: What would Liam do?

You are taking fear everywhere with you and while you are physically present when you're with your kids and looking after their physical needs etc, you are not there emotionally. You're on auto-pilot. You cannot possibly be experiencing this level of fear and anxiety and be emotionally/mentally present for your children. I wasn't with my son. The mind cannot be two places at once. Your mind is generally in a fearfully imagined future or focused on a symptom. You are hyper-focused on your body and misinterpreting normal bodily functions for illness and disease. When you're not actively focused on your body, you are on here seeking reassurance or at the doctors, or A & E and even a trip to A&E isn't enough to reassure you is it? And I get it because this was me a few years ago.

Only difference is that I never posted on here. I was a lurker and chronic Googler and I was invariably close to tears (or full-in blubbing) convincing myself of my imminent demise. You won't find any threads started by me on here but I was soaking up other people's symptoms & seeking reassurance elsewhere, asking people, 'Have you ever had this?' And my 'ailment' was always different. I was a but-er. 'Yes, but, mine is....' Nothing anybody said could placate me. And I kept going until my mind couldn't take anymore and then I couldn't function. I sat in a chair all day long. I say 'in' a chair. I sat on the edge of it, rocking. One of my normal stims is a very gentle rocking action. It soothes me. This wasn't that one. This was full-on manic - arms wrapped around myself as a self-made strait jacket - rocking with intermittent retching. I watched those seconds turn to minutes and minutes turn to hours and every minute felt like an hour. I couldn't eat. I lost 2 stone. My husband had to do everything because I couldn't do anything. He had to take & pick our son up from school and work. And I had no understanding of the strain this placed on him. I only see that now.

Thankfully, you're not there. Not yet. But keep this up my lovely and you will be..

You are ill. Just not in the way that you think. You have my empathy. This is a terrible place to be and only those who've been there will understand you. Similarly, only those who have been there and got themselves out will understand how best to help you, like not enabling you with the reassurance seeking and though this feels cruel to you at this time, one day you might see it as a kindness..

I will say the same thing over and over and over. There is only one way to effectively control HA and that's to accept illness as a possibility (though we can choose to look after ourselves as best we can) and death as a certainty. In this moment, you are alive. You're actually 'too' alive and that's the problem because you are functioning in survival mode (fight or flight) where all the symptoms and sensations are there to protect us but they are not meant to feel in any way pleasant. When I had my panic attack this week, I knew what was happening and why. There was no fear. And I turned the situation to my advantage. It was too early to see a sunrise but I got a seagulls and the ocean instead. You can get to this point too. You just need to tell yourself that you are going to get better. No ifs. No buts. No maybes. You are going to give this your all. And you have the strength to do this. I know you do, because it takes a great deal of strength to live like this.

I think you are an amazing lady Chloe and I believe you can turn this around. You need to believe it too..

[Carys]

There is only one way to effectively control HA and that's too accept illness as a possibility (though we can choose to look after ourselves as best we can) and death as a certainty. In this moment, you are alive.

I couldn't agree with you more - this is what I entirely believe.

[Chlobo]

Absolutely unsurprisingly and 100 percent expectedly the MRI was clear.

Have you started your new meds, how are they going ?

I took my first one today, and a Diazepam. He's given me 5mg of Diazepam to take two times a day.
I read a little bit about them and it says that the psychiatrist wants me to take 30mg for two weeks, then go up to 60mg after two weeks, and then to 90mg. I mean I haven't had a hideous allergic reaction yet and I took it a good 40 mins ago so that's a plus.

[Carys]

I mean I haven't had a hideous allergic reaction yet and I took it a good 40 mins ago so that's a plus.

[Chlobo]

I'm having an anxiety attack. I took my meds yesterday and this morning I struggled to start urinating. I looked it up on the side effects and retention and struggling to start urine stream is a symptom. I can't handle bladder issues right now. I only took one tablet yesterday but I'm frightened, now I'm thinking I definitely do have a neurological problem

[NoraB]

I'm having an anxiety attack. I took my meds yesterday and this morning I struggled to start urinating. I looked it up on the side effects and retention and struggling to start urine stream is a symptom. I can't handle bladder issues right now. I only took one tablet yesterday but I'm frightened, now I'm thinking I definitely do have a neurological problem

I told you that you would most likely experience side-effects. It's the medication. I had this problem. Speak to your GP and they will adjust your dose or put you onto another drug. You made the choice to medicate so you are going to have to cope with some side-effects Chloe.

[Chlobo]

I told you that you would most likely experience side-effects. It's the medication. I had this problem. Speak to your GP and they will adjust your dose or put you onto another drug. You made the choice to medicate so you are going to have to cope with some side-effects Chloe.

Hey Nora, do you think one tablet can do this?
Do you think I should stop taking them? Or can it be something that isn't health threatening?