Lost my dad suddenly 6 weeks ago. Struggling with numbness from grief

[GingerFish]

Sorry for the novel, my mind is a mess and I just need to get it all out 😭


My dad died on 11th Nov 2021. He was 73. He had end stage renal failure for the last ten years and this year alone he broke his hip, had delirium while in hospital and caught Covid but he bounced back from all of that plus cancer and numerous other things over the years. I was starting to believe he was immortal after everything he survived, as childish as that sounds.


On 10th Nov, I took him shopping and he was fine and laughing and joking and I dropped him off home at around 4pm and by 10pm, I got a call from my mum saying he had passed out and she couldn't bring him round and the paramedics were on the way. We arrived a few mins before the paramedics and he came round but he looked as white as a ghost and I'd never seen him so ill looking. We later found out it was his heart that caused it and he took a cardiac arrest while the paramedics worked on him at home and a further 4 in hospital. It was discovered he had super high potassium levels and the medicine to bring it down wasn't working so he kept taking cardiac arrests and by the 6th, his ribs were broken and his chest was caved in and they decided it was best to let him go if he took another and he was lucid and awake when the docs told him and the rest of us all this and he was so calm. It was so bittersweet and surreal. We were with him for 17 hours in the hospital and we went from being told there was hope, to there might be some hope, to we'll give him one more chance to watching him die and listening to the death rattle for 12 hours. I'm so lucky I got a goodbye while he was lucid and talking. It was the hardest day of my life and the longest too. It felt like a each minute was a full day and it was like groundhog Day just repeating itself over and over.


Ever since he died, I've barely cried or felt anything at all. When we were behind the ambulances waiting to be blue lighted up to hospital with him, I felt everything. I felt like the panic and anxiety would physically kill me, it felt so strong and I felt some in the hospital and the day he died but after it, there's been nothing. I dream about him every single night and sometimes it's been nightmares but in every dream, he can't talk to me any more even if he tries or I scream at him to talk to me. Maybe that's why brains way of trying to process his death?


All I can see when I close my eyes is him in the ICU but I can't feel anything. I can almost hear the beeps of the machines sometimes. I've lost 4 (including him) loved ones in the last 2 years and I've never felt this way. The other grieves left me numb for a few days and then it floored me and I rarely dreamt of them.


I loved my dad more than anything in this world. My number one fear was losing him and now that it's happened, I feel weird that I almost seem 'normal' on the outside and that I barely feel anything though I am remembering his death constantly. I often forget for a while and then see loved ones crying over his death and for a split second I wonder why are they crying, what's happened?! And then I remember and I feel bad for them but I can't empathise with them which the polar opposite to how I usually am. I usually feel too much empathy for others and none for myself. I do suffer from BPD and CPTSD and wondering if that's a part of it or its just normal shock from grief. I'm starting private grief counseling after Xmas and new year and I'm still recieving care from my MH team atm


Can anyone relate?


Wishing you all a peaceful Christmas 💚

[glassgirlw]

Yes, I can. I haven’t lost a parent, but I d id lose my gran a few months ago. She's been another mom to me my whole 42 years and always I've said that when she went, I be a raving mess, yet when the time came, nothing.it was a good couple months before it truly hit me that she was gone. I also dreamed of her repeatedly. I still do I think we all process grief differently and counseling is a great idea.

[Catkins]

So sorry for your loss.

I lost my mum suddenly in February this year and it's been incredibly tough. Initially I was very upset but then I think I went into autopilot because I was making sure my stepdad was alright. It was compounded by my Stepgran dying 2 weeks later. I think it really hit me at the 3 month mark.

It's not easy, but in time you do feel a bit better. Talking to someone is a really good idea. Honestly, you will go through a whole range of emotions including not feeling anything. Try and accept each stage of grief, don't beat yourself up over how your feeling and do everything you can to self care.

It's still painful for me 10 months later, but it isn't so overwhelming.

[Fishmanpa]

So sorry for your loss :( I lost my Mom on New Year's Day 2017. She had been declining the last few years prior, suffering from physical ailments and dementia. At the time, my wife had just gone through a very rare illness (NMDA Autoimmune Encephalitis), had spent three months in the hospital (I almost lost her), was recovering at home and had literally just come out of surgery to remove a growth on her thymus gland when I got the call that it was time. I got my wife as comfortable as I could get her and we drove to the hospice, spent the day sitting with her but she was sedated and not aware. We drove home that night and she passed in the morning.

For me, with everything going on and seeing her physical and mental decline, it was more of a relief as she was suffering so. The grief journey was a bit different for me due to the situation but now, nearly 5 years later, I have good memories and we have several items that were hers in our home so in some ways, she'll always be with us.

It takes time, but you'll navigate the journey and it will be the good things you'll remember and cherish. Sending....

Positive thoughts