Feel a bit angry and upset

[Lilith1980]

Sorry for another negative post, just feel a bit upset at the moment and wanted to vent. Any suggestions or alternative thinking would be helpful

I have a big fear of being abandoned and let down and this is played out in my insecurities and need for reassurance.

My partner is busy at work. I appreciate that, but if I text him to ask him something I very rarely get a reply - even though I know he gets my texts but just says he forgets to reply. Yesterday I text him to say I'd paid the council tax like he'd asked me to do and nothing. I just would have liked acknowledgment - a thank you even.

I know he doesnt like texting, he says he cant be bothered (even though he seems to text his mates without any moaning). With this in mind I emailed him yesterday just asking about something to do with our wedding - I said if he saw the dressmaker (she works in the same building) could he ask her when would be good for me to go and see her. No reply.

He got home yesterday and I asked him about whether he had seen the dressmaker and he said "no". I mentioned that he didnt reply to my email. He said sorry very vaguley whilst still concentrating on the TV.

It just upsets me because if he phones me and I dont answer because I dont hear the phone, he gets annoyed at me and I feel bad because I dont hear the phone. But its ok for him to not reply to me, even though I know he gets my messages. Its not like I bombard him, I send him one, maybe two messages a day just asking him about things - its not even reassurance most of the time. Just random stuff.

Not meaning to be graphic but when he got home last night at about 7.30pm he cuddled and kissed me and said he wanted to be "intimate" later. So for the next 3 and a half hours we were in front of the TV and nothing. I fell asleep on the sofa just before 11pm cos I'd had a bad nights sleep on Sunday. I woke up at 11.30pm and my partner suggest I go to bed. I sat there for about 5 minutes but was just so tired so said goodnight. He said he would be in soon but not sure when he came in.

Now I feel bad because we werent intimate (felt bad for falling alseep) but he didnt even make any moves for the 3 and a half hours we were watching TV.

He's out tonight as well, just filming so that's made me anxious because I dont like being in on my own. I feel like we need to talk about this (or rather its something I need to resolve with him) but he wont be in. So now I feel abandoned, as usual.

I know he's busy but sometimes I just feel on my own. I feel a bit ignored. I am trying to organise our wedding too and dont have much input from him. We cut down the guest list last night because I am worried about money. He says I shouldnt stress but he's not the one trying to arrange it all.

I dont know. Is this my anxiety and underlying feeling of being let down or am I right to be a bit annoyed that it seems to be ok for him to "ignore" me but when he needs to speak to me and cant he gets a bit miffed.

Just got lots of emotions running round my head at the moment, sorry

[bluebottle]

I don't know your circumstances, but can you tell him your feeling, and does he respond and support you? Can you communicate with each other and be open about your feelings? It sounds to me as though your needs aren't being met.

[Lilith1980]

Well we've had a stressful last few months - he had been really busy with work and got wrapped up in that. I was feeling a bit lonely through all this and did "go on at him" alot and he said it always seemed like I was whinging at him about stuff he did wrong. It wasn't like that at all - I was feeling terribly anxious but I can see why he thought I was digging at him.

To be honest I dont want him thinking that again so maybe that is why I havent said anything.

I know that at times, work will come before us but I just feel like its constantly like this. It just seems like he can demand things from me but if I feel the need for something, he doesnt have time.

I do find it hard to talk to him about my anxiety because he doesnt understand and I think he takes things the wrong way, like i am moaning at him. I just feel like I have to be careful about telling him the feelings behind the anxiety for fear of causing offence.

To be honest, the whole "intimacy" thing last night was just something else that added to it. Its not like we're never intimate so I dont feel so bad about it now.

But I think he is out late most of this week, either filming or going to awards ceremonies or something, so I dont know how I am going to cope. I am sure I can find things to distract me but the anxious feelings never really subside and I feel so lonely when I am in on my own.

[joannap]

difficult to answer this one - sounds like you need to thrash it out and be honest with each other. maybe he thinks you are being over needy whereas you don;t think he is giving you enough attention. anxiety does make us blow everything out of proportion though my advice would be to decide what is getting blown out of proportion because of the way you are feeling and what you feel is genuinely a problem.

if i ring my husband at work - he can sometimes seem a bit off - he doesn't like texting either and yet i know he loves me dearly so i don;t take offence. i think my husband who is the most placid, loving bloke ever would probably find it strange if i text or rang him at work everyday with minor stuff - he would say - why can't you tell me when i get home?! - but all relationships are different so i am not saying you are wrong at all - just that what seems like a big deal to you might not be to him. if you are not busy in the day but your partner is really busy at work maybe he just switches off from what is going on at home and likes to concentrate on work instead? i think you should tell him how you feel - honesty is best and also about the lack of input in the wedding - it is quite stressful arranging a wedding and i think men should get involved too although generally it does seem to be left to the bride and her family.

feeling abondonned is a strong word if he just goes out 1/2 nights a week - is it your anxiety that makes you feel worried to be on your own? i used to be like this with my ex boyfriend thrugh insecurity but have learnt that all couples need time apart - i now happily push my husband out of the house - so i can watch what i want on the tv! i wouldn;t feel bad for not being intimate either. these things happen and you have every night for the rest of your lives to look forward to.

try and have a nice day - go out or focus on something else and wait until he gets home and then sit down and have a proper talk about it all. x

[joannap]

just read your other post - and i wouldn;t like to be in all week on my own! i feel that's unfair - especially if its on a weekly basis. i think you need to sit him down and be honest about your anxiety - i found it hard at first but i have told my husband every scary thought (even abut him!) and every feeling i go through and although he does not mollycoddle me - he is v supportive.

you could also tell him that you feel his work comes first - men do tend to respond with annoyance but these are things you need to sort out before you get married - especially if you are going to have kids and feel that you are doing all the parenting yourself!

hope you feel better soon. x

[Lilith1980]

Thanks JoannaP

I realise that feeling abandoned is a strong way of putting things, and I know it is down to my anxiety and fear of being let down. I think he is out every night this week but it doesnt happen every week. Although to be honest, not seeing him much for a whole week (even thought its one out of many) still seems pants to me. I am proud that he is making a career out of something he loves doing, but I resent it sometimes for how it seems to take priority.


I appreciate people have to have time apart, but I guess 1-2 nights a week is a lot to me personally because I dont have anyone I can sociliase with separately. I am finding it hard to make friends here. I know I am a very needy person at the moment due to my lack of self esteem. I am trying so hard not to let this show in front of my partner.


I appreciate what you said about me texting/emailing about "minor" things because you're right, he might not see them as important. Its just before I moved up here, we used to text and email a lot. He was never too busy to send me a text/email. And now he doesnt at all. He will rarely text me unless I text him about something or unless he wants me to do something. He used to randomly text me saying "i love you" and things like that, but this doesnt happen anymore. Maybe I am reading too much into it.


I am at work all week as well. I finish at 3pm most days, come home and do some exercise to boost my mood. I just feel sometimes that he rings only when he needs something, or that he'll be late home. I cook every night, I do the washing. He washes up when he remembers, but sometimes it gets into a mess and I do it to tidy up. I just feel like I am going nowhere and he has this job he loves so what does he care? I am trying to set up as self-employed too but I am doing a boring job to keep the money coming in and I just feel like he doesnt care sometimes. He keeps saying he will help but he soon forgets. I know all these angry emotions are my anxiety, they are too harsh to be rational emotions.


I think rather than say I feel abandoned, I just feel hurt that he doesnt show me so much attention anymore and just seems a bit engrossed in work lately. And he can be a bit blunt when he needs help with something to do with work. He will phone asking me to do this or go into the office and help him (after I get home from my own job) but when he doesn't need me I hardly hear a peep out of him. Arrggggh!


I think maybe I should go to the cinema one night this week, so I'm not stuck in the house. I think it would give me a feeling of independence and just stop me dwelling.

[ruthb1]

Hi,

Maybe your partner is trying to ignore your anxiety, i know when i was at my worst, my partner ignored most things that i did, it was his way of dealing with it and also he thought by ignoring, discussing it with me or molly coddling me he was making me better, looking back now it did help me, but at the time i didnt understand why this person who i have lived with for 10 years have 2 kids with was just brushing me away. he also felt scared, worried etc but by showing it to me he was making me worse as he would say and if i did start on about the anxiety it would just end up back with me saying i dont feel well, i have got pains etc, i went on constantly too him about my ailments and he had had enough.he too was frightened to phone me because everything always lead back to how i was feeling or i have got a pain etc, so in the end he stopped phoning me sometimes he even switched his phone off so i couldnt call him which then lead me to start thinking he doesnt love me anymore, he is a control freak etc, maybe your partner is trying to make you do this on your own. He did sometimes talk too me about it when i was at my lowest, but most of the time i was on my own.

sorry i know it doesnt help much but this what happened to me anyway.

take care

ruth

[Lilith1980]

Thanks Ruth, maybe he is doing the same.....he has said before that I should talk to him but I said he thought I was whinging so how can I.

The problem is, with me trying to deal with this on my own is hard work and I have tended to "shut down" and be focused on that sometimes. My partner noticed I wasn't as "close" to him as normal. I think I also backed off because I felt I couldnt talk to him.

He said he wanted us to be close again. He said he is glad I am working on things but I shouldn't forget about him and being close to him.

Maybe you are right. He has had a go at me many times saying I should start helping myself. And now I am. But it hurts so much to feel alone in this :(

[ruthb1]

I felt exactly the same as you, how can you concentrate on someone when your are so wrapped up in yourself and all you think about is me! me ! me! your not worried in that way about him, its just when he starts ignoring you or saying nasty things that you notice and then you start thinking he's going off me, hes found someone else, hes going to leave me, this is because you are so low in self esteem and confidence, i didnt think i was but looking back i had lost it all and i felt so alone. I wasnt the least bit interested in my partner but as soon as he started being nasty ( and beleive me he was) or ignoring me i didnt like it either, you have got to prove to him that you are trying, and the first step is not to talk so much about your ailments,show him that you can have a conversation without talking pains, then show him that you dont need to phone him all the time, show him that you can do things without him, so that he doesnt feel trapped by this and then gradually he will be able to see that you are making sense off it and that he knows that you cn cope with this on your own, i know you shouldnt have to but i think this is his way of coping)

he will either love you or hate you for it lol
hope you feel better soon, just remember though it wont happen overnight, you have got to work at it.


take care hun










ruth

[Lilith1980]

Thanks hun, on my own tonight so going to use the time alone to do some reading and how I can improve my thinking on things.

I cant do that while he's here cos I want my attention to be on him so I shall make the most of my evening! xx