Am I depressed or is it genuine problems ?

[Sar89]

Hey guys, so I have a long history of health anxiety. It ebbs and wanes. Its always there stalking me though ready to hit me with ‘the fear’ when I I have anxious patches I tend to feel depressed but I don’t think it’s real depression I think it’s a low mood. Then I do something like redecorate my house or garden or get a new pet and it tends to piss off for abit. Lately though I just don’t know. My son has started full time school, he’s gone to a special school that I really had to fight for as he is autistic. I thought it would make me happy having sometime to myself without him here destroying the place or making constant random demands but it seems since he’s gone to school I just fall back into bed a lot of days and sleep the day away then wake up and he’s due home in an hour or 2 or sit tapping my feet all day googling bizarre symptoms, it’s like im having a mini breakdown somedays. Then he comes home and I try and act normal. I want to break up with my partner soooooo badly. I think I hate him. We are very different people. I think if we didn’t have our son we wouldn’t of lasted the 6 years we have. I just feel utterly cold towards him really. It’s funny because we can still have a sort of laugh together but I feel nothing for him at same time apart from when he annoys me and all my old bitterness towards him rises. He’s a very shouty, confrontational person and I never used to be. Now I have a reputation with people for being confrontational, rude and blunt… he’s obviously rubbed off on me somehow. I’m soooo easily irritated. I feel irritated by him, the weather, my house, the kids, the dog ect ect. I just feel suffocated honestly. I used to be a dancer I used to go on holiday all the time I was a free spirit, it was just me and my daughter who was such an easygoing, sunny child. Albeit I was crippled with anxiety now and then but I still did it all! Now since Iv met him and had my son. I feel like Iv been nailed to the cross sometimes never to be free again. I do love my son, his cheeky little face makes me laugh so much, he’s so crazy and naughty that at times he’s hilarious but he never stops, he doesn’t even sleep well at night, every day is a demolition derby with him. I know he can’t help it but sometimes I look at him and think oh my god I can’t stand you or ur father. Then I feel bad because I can stand my baby I love him to bits so why do I get these bad thoughts? I don’t think people like me are supposed to be parents. There are people out there desperate for a baby who can’t have one and then people like me get blessed with them, I know it’s not fair, motherhood comes so easy to some people but not to me. I had my first child at just turned 20 and if I’m honest I used to palm her off every weekend whilst I went to work….And I loved it no point lying. I didn’t get that instant rush of love either ? It took a while with her I was proud of her because she was/is a very attractive child and she was complemented all the time but that rush of love didn’t come till later, I do love her fiercely even though she’s now bigger than me 🤣 With my son I fell instantly in love with him. I couldn’t bear to parted from him as a baby literally didn’t want him to leave my eyesight. It was very different but as he’s got older I feel broken with worry and the feeling of being suffocated. I worry about his future all the time and what will happen to him if me and his dad died. Both family’s are pretty useless when it comes to the youngest. The only person who will watch him is my sister and that is literally for an hour. So different to my eldest child. I had to fight off the babysitting offers but obviously with him people don’t want their houses getting trashed and having to deal with non-verbal meltdowns ect. I don’t even know the point of my post really I’m just rambling on abit because I can’t sleep. Just wondering peoples thoughts on the depression thing. Like is it depression or are these just normal things and feelings that people go through ?

[BlueIris]

It can be both, y'know?

It doesn't matter whether or not other people go through this stuff, what matters is whether you're coping.

It's okay to ask for support if you're struggling.

[pulisa]

It's really hard having a child with autism. I've had 2 who are now in their thirties. I find your posts incredibly refreshing and honest, Sar. I don't take any cr*p either.

I think you're exhausted, angry and depressed. Why wouldn't you be? I'm glad your little boy has got his school placement but having time to yourself can open up a can of worms and give other issues an opportunity to flood in. Why not talk to your doctor? The anger/irritability could well be an indication of depression as could disrupted sleep/needing to sleep to block out thoughts.

Why not make an appointment? See what the doctor says? x

[Sar89]

Hiya Pul Iv just woke up 🤣 Iv read the backlash of my reply to that infuriating woman. I find myself utterly uncaring. Sometimes I read posts and they touch me as I can identify with them as I have terrible anxiety and I have spiralled oh god how I have spiralled. Do you u know the bizarre things I used to do before I would go to sleep. Like leaving all food low down on the sides ect as I KNEW I was going to die in my sleep and I didn’t want my at the time young daughter to starve with my corpse…. But at some point despite what certain members on here say… you have to ‘get a grip’ How old where ur kids when they first spoke ? There’s no signs yet apart from baby babble, he doesn’t even point. God I’m sat here with tears dripping down my face at the thought of him being a vulnerable adult and getting picked on. I’m not usually so helpless feeling. I think I might move house. My sister and dad live in a small town next to Liverpool. I might move from Liverpool to the town and see if I feel more supported. Yes I’m definitely going to see the doctor I suspect I need the help of some ADs at this point. I keep being offered cbt but I would like some talking therapy like counselling I feel I would benefit from that. Anyway how are you feeling today ? Xxx

[pulisa]

Hello Sar..I'm sure you could get Counselling for Depression via IAPT services on the NHS. You don't even need a GP referral. Yes please make a GP appt for an AD assessment though? I've found they help with the depression but it's down to me for the anxiety stuff!!

My son spoke at about 4 and my daughter was 5+. She just used to growl at me and certainly didn't point. Just used me as a mechanical object to get what she wanted! No comprehension of language either. She went to a special school for autistic children. Her speech is now normal. She was a nightmare as a baby and was totally uncontrollable as a toddler. I had so many awful comments from people and just used to say that she was brain damaged! That shut them up!

Don't think about the future..Who knows how he will progress at the right school. I never thought my daughter would talk or read but she has.

Have a think about moving and how practical that would be..but do make that GP appointment?

[Sar89]

Hi pul! Yes that’s what he does ! I am a mechanical object to get to what he wants. He pushes and pulls me towards what he wants and then stares at me like ‘well hurry up’ 🤣 he squeals, coos, growls and hysterically laughs. He’s very noisy for someone who cannot talk bless him. He’s the noisiest person I know. I think a diagnosis for ADHD will come aswell for him. As I said he is relentless. When people stare at him carrying on I get quite confrontational and demand to know what they are looking at 🤦🏻*♀️ I need to work on that. I am deffo going to ring gp I did ring when I woke up but when you ring past 8.30 you haven’t got a prayer ! My doctors only seem to do on the day appointments. However I shall get up in morning on time to ring them. I probably should go the gym or something people tell me about these endorphins you get from it. I have never got any happy feelings from exercise 🤣 I absolutely despise the gym from my brief encounters with it but I deffo should try it again. I do enjoy swimming so perhaps I shall take that up again. I think with my son going to school Iv sort of got free rein to lose my shit. Whereas when he was home with me all the time I had to hold myself together. I definitely need to help myself! Thankyou for your kind words aswell it’s good to know I haven’t rubbed someone up the wrong way with my words haha x

[Catkins]

Sar, I know this might seem a little odd to say, but do you think you might be having a bit of separation anxiety from your son? I do think P is right and having time for yourself after so long not having any can open up a can of worms.

I will say, don't rush into any decisions about leaving your partner, moving house etc just at the mo. The way you're feeling right now might be clouding your opinions (of course, it might not), I know that with myself, my mental health has definitely affected how I feel about my husband/home/everyone else at times.

[pulisa]

Certainly not with me! I have never got any happy feelings from exercise either and neither has my daughter. Quite the opposite. If you enjoy swimming then maybe think about getting back to that during the school term when you can pick a quiet time? I think for me getting a punch bag would be more of an option!

It's definitely a matter of having the patience of a saint with an autistic child. "Relentless" certainly sums it up and it takes its toll mentally and physically. When you're on your own emotionally with it it's even harder and people don't get it. They will never get it because they've never experienced it so it's not their fault. It's taken me years not to get angry about this. You're so deeply involved and your world revolves around it. With your own MH issues to contend with as well it's a matter of survival at all costs. Your boy is lucky to have you fighting his cause...because you love him and you care despite what you say about your parenting skills xx

[pulisa]

Sar, I know this might seem a little odd to say, but do you think you might be having a bit of separation anxiety from your son? I do think P is right and having time for yourself after so long not having any can open up a can of worms.

I will say, don't rush into any decisions about leaving your partner, moving house etc just at the mo. The way you're feeling right now might be clouding your opinions (of course, it might not), I know that with myself, my mental health has definitely affected how I feel about my husband/home/everyone else at times.

I didn't know what to do with myself when my daughter started school. It was awful..Hours of free time and I was lost.

[Sar89]

Sar, I know this might seem a little odd to say, but do you think you might be having a bit of separation anxiety from your son? I do think P is right and having time for yourself after so long not having any can open up a can of worms.

I will say, don't rush into any decisions about leaving your partner, moving house etc just at the mo. The way you're feeling right now might be clouding your opinions (of course, it might not), I know that with myself, my mental health has definitely affected how I feel about my husband/home/everyone else at times.

Perhaps, I suppose I never thought of that seperation anxiety ? I don’t feel like I miss him when he’s at school (I know that sounds terrible) I do find when his taxi pulls up outside I plaster a huge smile on and run out to him and give him a big hug and carry him jabbering nonsense to him. Maybe I have deep down. To be fair being with him causes anxiety aswell his behaviours are nothing short of bizarre at times. Lots of sensory seeking and generally doing things that will be harmful to his health. I have Chubb locks on all the doors in the house. In the summer he took to escaping from the house and diving on to the bonnet of my car and then scrambling up onto the roof if it and bouncing like it was a trampoline…. Always bloody naked aswell. Luckily the neighbours think he’s hilarious 🙄 he managed to break a panel in the fence and got into my neighbours hot tub naked and took lots of handfuls of grass in there as an added measure. She’s always trying to lure my cat into her house so I don’t feel any guilt to be fair. Just very embarrassing. I’m not going to dump my partner yet I will try and reassess how I feel in a little while. I do think if I split with him I would have to move just for the sake of a clean break. He has slept on sofa for months. It’s a strange one. Thanks for replying means a lot x