Health anxiety has made me a shadow of my former self

[QueenoftheSlipstream]

Hi all.

I recently posted about some ongoing medical investigations that I was having in December to investigate some ongoing pelvic pain. Well I'm now at a point where my health anxiety surrounding these symptoms is so bad it's practically ruining my life.

Some background - I'm 33 and have had some form of anxiety since my teens. I was diagnosed with OCD in my mid-late twenties which hasn't been that bad in recent years, although I believe it has just morphed into health anxiety which is very similar to OCD anyway.

This particular bad episode started in early December with lower right abdominal pain a after eating a lot of broccoli with my dinner. My immediate thought went to appendicitis and I went to the GP the following day who examined me and said it was probably IBS. I then had periods of intermittent pain and quite severe IBS-type symptoms that did improve a bit when I was distracted. However I went to a different GP after a few days as an urgent appointment as the pain had not improved. She then suggested it could be a "grumbling appendix" but that there isn't anything to do about that except watch and wait. She told me to work on my health anxiety and even prescribed me fluoxetine which I haven't taken yet. However I think her saying that it as a grumbling appendix and basically telling me I need to monitor my symptoms was possibly the worst thing anyone could have said to me. My pain then got noticeably worse so I went to A&E. They were a bit flummoxed in A&E as all of my bloods were fine so they didn't think it was appendicitis. I had a mild UTI so I was prescribed antibiotics (which may have been brought on by all the diarrhoea I'd been having due to me taking too many laxatives as I was also worrying I had fecal impaction). However a couple of days later my pain was getting worse so I ended up back in A&E and was seen by the surgeons. I had more bloods done and they were fine so they suggested it might be gynaecological related and sent me to the gynaecology ward. I was seen by them but they didn't think it was anything to worry about so I was sent home with pain relief. However the day after I had more pain so I went back to gynae and ended up being admitted due to the pain but looking back on it now they were reluctant to admit me and thought I should have went home. I was effectively discharged the next day from that ward after having more bloods done which were fine, a transvaginal ultrasound and pelvic exam to rule out anything gynaecological but they also booked me in for an abdominal ultrasound on the Monday. I hadn't slept in 2 days at this point and I think I went a little bit paranoid, effectively accusing the doctor of being unprofessional, at which point she basically had a huge go at me. I effectively discharged myself from the ward after this. My pain had been horrendous this whole time but it does go away whenever I'm distracted. I went back to A&E the day after being on the gynae ward as I was convinced I'd had a slipped disc injury in my back from when I was examined by the gynae doctor. I even contacted a solicitor to start a medical negligence case! They did more bloods on me in A&E which were again fine and said it was just a simple back strain so I went home.

I had my abdominal ultrasound on Monday which was fine but that was mainly looking at gynae stuff so I knew that was fine. However I couldn't wait for the A&E doctors to contact me as I was so anxious so I effectively went back to A&E and demanded to be seen by the doctors to start a new plan for investigating this pain. I was reviewed by a colorectal surgeon who examined me and said that as I was still in a lot of pain and having awful diarrhoea (which was probably from the UTI antibiotics) he referred me for an urgent CT scan and colonoscopy and sent me for more bloods. My bloods showed very slightly raised infection/inflammatory markers which he said would fit with all the diarrhoea I've been having. I also think the diarrhoea was exacerbated by my anxiety as I woke up on the Monday super anxious about my abdominal ultrasound and that was when the diarrhoea noticeably worsened. I had the CT scan which showed some inflammation in my ascending colon, and my fecal calprotectin also showed some low-grade inflammation.

On the 23rd December I noticed that I had darker stools and my immediate thoughts went to bowel cancer. I then made an urgent GP appointment but when I got there she was horrendously worried about my mental state and can't believe that I'm worrying about all of these illnesses. She said obviously she can't 100% reassure me that I don't have anything seriously wrong as I am awaiting all the right investigations and that in medicine you can't ever give complete certainty, but she said that she feels my mental health is an absolute priority at the minute as I'm quite obviously in a crisis. She urged me to start taking the fluoxetine but I'm worrying about side effects particularly bowel related ones which may make me worry more about having something seriously wrong with me. She said in the meantime to try and calm my anxiety whilst awaiting these test results she prescribed me diazepam but I didn't take it as I was worried about side effects.

I had the colonoscopy on the 18th Jan which was normal, and my biopsies also came back as normal, so despite there being bowel inflammation on the CT scan they now don't think it's bowel related. My GP is now convinced I have endometriosis (and to be honest the pain does have a cyclical pattern which aligns with my menstrual cycle), so I have been referred back to gynaecology to be assessed for further investigations for this, and I will possibly have to have laparoscopic surgery to confirm a diagnosis which fills me with absolute dread.

It's now over 2 months since all this started and I'm still getting episodes of intense pain. However I'm now in the worst health anxiety spiral of my life as every little symptom or pain I'm getting all over my body has me frantically worrying. I'm also probably spending my every waking moment worrying about this, ruminating, reassurance seeking from my husband and spending around 8 hours a day googling symptoms. In short I'm in a real mess guys, which again exacerbates the physical symptoms and it just becomes a huge vicious circle.

Another thing I'm worrying about is that I might have sustained a damaged spleen from the colonoscopy, as he did say that he struggled to get past my spleen and while he was doing so I felt intense pain in my spleen area, but I didn't have any other pain there for 2 weeks and now I've got upper left gastric pain too. I went to the GP today for that pain and she thinks it's gastritis and not my spleen so I've been given lansoprazole. I'm trying not to worry about it being my spleen but it is difficult.

All of these health worries (whether real or imagined) have effectively taken over my life and I'm severely depressed and anxious because of it. I've started therapy with a clinical psychologist who has diagnosed me as having severe depression and anxiety and we are starting a treatment plan but it is early days. I've also quit my job as a nurse and decided to effectively leave my nursing career as it is just too stressful at the minute, and I also find being in hospitals highly triggering for me. I also don't have the mental space to do much round the house or have much of a social life either because I am in pain or I'm worried about developing the pain again. My husband and I were supposed to go on holiday to Madeira this week but I just couldn't face going abroad with all of this going on so I had to cancel it. I'm obviously really upset about this too.

I would be really grateful for some support, and I'm not going to ask for reassurance or anything like that on here as I know that's pointless. I just can't see how I'm ever going to get better (both physically and mentally). I also feel that my future is bleak and that my life is not worth living anymore due to the fact that I have frequent pain and due to my constant health anxiety worries.

Thanks for reading and apologies for the long post!

[glassgirlw]

Hey there. I am really sorry you’re having such a rough go at the moment. It does sound like you’re taking some positive steps with therapy, based on alllllll the testing you’ve had done I would say at this point the mental health aspect for sure needs to be first priority. Endometriosis is no fun. I know several people that have had that and I know the pain can be horrible. Hopefully your gyno can get that sorted and treated soon. Not much advice unfortunately other than stick with the therapy and really try to apply what you learn to your current struggles. Oh, and absolutely stop googling. Googling never cured anyone of health anxiety!!

[Sar89]

Hello, first off to offer some reassurance. This is one of my few real medical complaints. I have endo, it sounds very much like endo. I get horrific pain in my lower right side, the amount of times i have been rushed to a&e with suspected appendicitis is actually rather embarrassing, the problem is that for once it’s not actually a symptom I can ignore because it can always be appendicitis in that area so it always needs checking out. I also get socking great cysts in my right ovary also that always burst and cause tremendous pain. I also every single month get ovulation pain in right ovary it’s actually bad the pain for a few days. It’s like my left ovary doesnt do anything. All the action is in the right. I have begged to have it removed but they say it will just change over to left hand side 😱 Now to address your anxiety, it’s a shame you cancelled your holiday I feel holidays and stuff like that calms my anxiety by offering a distraction. The run up to them is horrific don’t get me wrong i have nearly cancelled several of mine but when I’m there I can calm down. I do seem to message on here every time I’m abroad but I do think it’s the run up that’s sent me over the edge not actually being there. The problem with health anxiety is we take real symptoms turn them into something terribly sinister and then the symptoms get worse thus reinforcing in our minds that ‘this is it’ our fears are justified. I don’t think your symptoms started out as anxiety I think they started out from something real. Sounds to me like you could deffo have endo. I also have ibs and acid reflux so regularly take omeprazole. You sound symptom wise just like me. Now your panic has stripped you of your logic. That’s what it does. You have run a gauntlet of tests. You do no have anything wrong with you that’s major or life threatening but you do have severe health anxiety that is ruining your life. It’s made you quit your career and cancel your holidays. You have done the right thing and started treatment straight away and I can see you clearly recognise you have a problem (which is very refreshing by the way as lots of us don’t see it at first even though we are on a health anxiety page &#129315 I think you should make some rules with urself. Set aside half an hour to Google as i don’t think cold turkey is effective. Make a diary, scrawl whatever madness and panic in it that you want. You will later read it and laugh. Talk things over until you are sick of the subject but you do have to be firm with yourself with the commitment to getting better. Anxiety will never truly leave you but as time goes by you will learn to control it more and push it aside. PM if you ever want to chat. My inbox is open. Sarah

[QueenoftheSlipstream]

Thank you both for your replies.

I have stopped Googling as I find that quite easy to stop doing. It's the reassurance seeking from my husband and ruminating that I'm having a tough time with, as well as self-checking my body for any signs of pain or illness. I've had 2 sessions with my therapist which has mainly been an assessment so I'm hoping that we will get stuck into treatment soon.

Sar the only reason why I thought it was anxiety based was because I became hyperfixated on the area after I got the pain which I wonder if that kept it going. I've also noticed that when I've had the pain quite badly and I get another troubling symptom (e.g. chest pain), my focus switches to my chest straightaway and the pain in my lower right area goes away until I remember about it and then it comes back again. However I probably do think I have endo as that would explain some low grade inflammation that I've been getting as well as the fact that I get more pain during ovulation and my period. But I think my anxiety about it is probably making it worse and causing me to have more pain so I do think I need to tackle the anxiety while waiting for gynae to see me.

Also I'm not completely down about having to quit my job as I do have other options lined up. I have a history degree as well as a nursing degree and I've got a place to do an online history masters starting in September, I've also got some volunteer work coming up in a museum and working with a community heritage project. I'm also thinking about going back into teaching (I used to be a teacher in my early twenties but left that to do nursing), if not this year then maybe next year. I'm also in the process of applying for a job in the local library as well. I could also easily get another nursing job up until September when my registration lapses but I don't think I can go back to it at the moment due to the high-stress environment of working in the NHS at the moment as well as how it triggers my health worries. I definitely need to work on my mood as well as I've never felt so low in all of my life, which I think is a consequence of this crisis I've been in for the past couple of months.

[Sar89]

Hey, yeah I get that hyper fixated on one symptoms then I get another one and the other symptoms disappears. I think as a human we are always full of aches and pains, however with us lot we as you say ruminate and then start fearing our pains and the more we fear them the more we feel them it’s a very vicious cycle especially with the reassurance seeking behaviours. They are very compulsion like I feel. In regards to your nursing job my philosophy In life is do whatever the hell you wanna do. If it’s not making u happy or you feel it’s going to trigger you off and makes things miserable for you then you are right to walk away ! It sounds like you have a few options available to you anyway. My mood is also very low lately, probably one of the worst times Iv ever had it. For me I find I just have to fight it and force myself to get out of bed and do live my life. I am going to get myself a hobby and a gym membership to try and take this emptiness away. Do you have any hobbies or things u do on a regular basis to take your mind off life for abit ?