I've always had fear surrounding pregnancy and childbirth. Even in my early school years I remember feeling extremely sorry for pregnant adults in my life, as I felt pregnancy and childbirth was comparable to a death sentence.
Ironically i've always had a longing to be a mother, but the fear surrounding it has always overpowered any positive feelings I had about it.
I thought that if the time came and I did get pregnant I would somehow manage, but I was wrong. I never sought help regarding this and i'm deeply regretting it, because now there is an innocent life involved, and my anxiety is so severe that I am considering getting a termination. I have an extreme fear of my body changing, and the potential uncontrollable pain that comes with birth. Even the thought of it makes me panic. The dr said elective c sections are not an option unless you go privately and even then you might not have a choice. I will not even consider going through labor my anxiety is that bad. A c section is a longer recovery, I understand, but for me it feels like a more controlled environment, where as labor, anything can happen, and I cannot cope with that. Even the the thought of committing to a child for life is now bringing me great anxiety. I just dont think I have the capacity for parenthood. I hate myself.
Before all this I was longing for a child. Now instead of feeling positive that my wish is now a reality, my mind feels dark. The thought of an abortion brings me peace, but also fear at the life long guilt I will be carrying with me. The thought of going through with this makes me feel pure terror and exhaustion to think of surviving the next 9 months, and then a lifetime. I wish i had of waited a year. Sought therapy, got my physical and mental health in balance, and then considered trying, instead of rushing into it when i wasnt ready. I want to turn back time. Im absolutely terrified and have no idea what to do. Anxiety had taken all the joy out of an experience that should have been the most positive experience of my life. It's so damn cruel.
Any advice (and please no judgement) would be appreciated.