5 weeks pregnant. Pure terror. Unsure what to do.

[Cutecat25]

I've always had fear surrounding pregnancy and childbirth. Even in my early school years I remember feeling extremely sorry for pregnant adults in my life, as I felt pregnancy and childbirth was comparable to a death sentence.
Ironically i've always had a longing to be a mother, but the fear surrounding it has always overpowered any positive feelings I had about it.
I thought that if the time came and I did get pregnant I would somehow manage, but I was wrong. I never sought help regarding this and i'm deeply regretting it, because now there is an innocent life involved, and my anxiety is so severe that I am considering getting a termination. I have an extreme fear of my body changing, and the potential uncontrollable pain that comes with birth. Even the thought of it makes me panic. The dr said elective c sections are not an option unless you go privately and even then you might not have a choice. I will not even consider going through labor my anxiety is that bad. A c section is a longer recovery, I understand, but for me it feels like a more controlled environment, where as labor, anything can happen, and I cannot cope with that. Even the the thought of committing to a child for life is now bringing me great anxiety. I just dont think I have the capacity for parenthood. I hate myself.
Before all this I was longing for a child. Now instead of feeling positive that my wish is now a reality, my mind feels dark. The thought of an abortion brings me peace, but also fear at the life long guilt I will be carrying with me. The thought of going through with this makes me feel pure terror and exhaustion to think of surviving the next 9 months, and then a lifetime. I wish i had of waited a year. Sought therapy, got my physical and mental health in balance, and then considered trying, instead of rushing into it when i wasnt ready. I want to turn back time. Im absolutely terrified and have no idea what to do. Anxiety had taken all the joy out of an experience that should have been the most positive experience of my life. It's so damn cruel.
Any advice (and please no judgement) would be appreciated.

[Catkins]

I would speak to your GP about how you are feeling, it's not too late to have counselling either.

There is support out there, reach out for it now.

[Pigeon]

No judgement from me Cutecat. Just a big hug for what you’re going through and to echo what Catkins said. You shouldn’t hesitate to get support at this time. I think many women are a little overwhelmed when they first find out they are pregnant, but it’s magnified for you due to your underlying fear.

Perhaps the very act of seeking help will start to make you feel a little better? I’m sure that the healthcare professionals involved in your care will have seen this before and have strategies to support you throughout your pregnancy and beyond. I’m not an expert in this but it may be that if they know how scared you are they can talk you through the various options in a calm and rational way.

It might help to talk to a trusted friend or relative too.

[Pigeon]

Just noticed there’s a sub-forum on here aimed specifically at pregnancy etc. May be helpful for you?

[glassgirlw]

What you’re feeling is normal for someone pregnant. Maybe not to the extremes of the pure terror and such but I know when I was pregnant at a very young age (19) I had no idea how I would cope with the lifelong responsibilities of raising a child, financially or mentally. Definitely seek help, it’s never too late to reach out.

[Sar89]

I've always had fear surrounding pregnancy and childbirth. Even in my early school years I remember feeling extremely sorry for pregnant adults in my life, as I felt pregnancy and childbirth was comparable to a death sentence.
Ironically i've always had a longing to be a mother, but the fear surrounding it has always overpowered any positive feelings I had about it.
I thought that if the time came and I did get pregnant I would somehow manage, but I was wrong. I never sought help regarding this and i'm deeply regretting it, because now there is an innocent life involved, and my anxiety is so severe that I am considering getting a termination. I have an extreme fear of my body changing, and the potential uncontrollable pain that comes with birth. Even the thought of it makes me panic. The dr said elective c sections are not an option unless you go privately and even then you might not have a choice. I will not even consider going through labor my anxiety is that bad. A c section is a longer recovery, I understand, but for me it feels like a more controlled environment, where as labor, anything can happen, and I cannot cope with that. Even the the thought of committing to a child for life is now bringing me great anxiety. I just dont think I have the capacity for parenthood. I hate myself.
Before all this I was longing for a child. Now instead of feeling positive that my wish is now a reality, my mind feels dark. The thought of an abortion brings me peace, but also fear at the life long guilt I will be carrying with me. The thought of going through with this makes me feel pure terror and exhaustion to think of surviving the next 9 months, and then a lifetime. I wish i had of waited a year. Sought therapy, got my physical and mental health in balance, and then considered trying, instead of rushing into it when i wasnt ready. I want to turn back time. Im absolutely terrified and have no idea what to do. Anxiety had taken all the joy out of an experience that should have been the most positive experience of my life. It's so damn cruel.
Any advice (and please no judgement) would be appreciated.

I have 2 kids and a dreadful pregnancy phobia, I have had abortions (yes plural) because of my fear of being pregnant. However I must say my first pregnancy was a walk in the park apart from being dreadfully grumpy and eating anything that wasn’t nailed down. My second pregnancy wasn’t so easy and that was because pregnancy hormones can set off anxiety which mine did in a spectacular fashion. This anxiety you have now is deffo made worse by the hormones coursing through your body as we speak, so that’s something worth bearing in mind. Pregnancy isn’t the most positive experience of your life I don’t know why these vitamin and baby adverts make out like it is, not to mention these hippy mothers. I wasn’t at one with my bump feeling this otherworldly connection. I was anxious, I had heartburn, I was fat, I was tired and I was really really irritable. I felt invaded if anything. I hate being pregnant. However the love you feel for that child when it’s placed in your arms now that is something that is so powerful it hardly feels real. Your fears of u being a crap parent will seem ridiculous to you as you will go to the ends of earth for that child. You will stare at them sleeping nearly in tears at how beautiful they are and how much you love them. That is a mothers love. As for labour babe just ask for an epidural! It’s absolutely marvellous, you can see your contractions rocketing up on the screen but can’t feel a thing. I had an emergency section with my first and let me tell u don’t be wishing for that thinking they are more orderly as they are absolutely not. (No there is no horror story of near death or anything but all the people running round like headless chickens bumping into each other ect) I had a planned section with my second and yes it was calmer and more orderly but I couldn’t stop vomiting off all the drugs they give you afterwards. Which is terribly painful on the stomach. You really want a section? Any laugh, cough or sneeze for the next couple of weeks makes you feel like you have been stabbed in your section wood. You struggle to get off bed to walk round ward. Meanwhile the natural birth mothers are pottering round chatting to each other and holding their babies. Don’t wish for that hun. My Labour was very calm and orderly I only had the section because my daughter got stuck but it wasn’t even panicky the midwife just said this isn’t working after lots of pushing (that I couldn’t really feel due to epidural) my kid was stuck because she was 10,2 and I am 5,2 and at the time my normal weight was around 8stone when not pregnant. It just wasn’t working. If you want an abortion and to wait a while then you are perfectly entitled to do so. You are 5 weeks pregnant (I’m sorry any pro lifers on here) to me that’s not a baby it’s a clump of cells. Just bear In mind though that you have a pregnancy phobia so you will likely feel the same way again. Pm if you want to chat x

[LilyPad1991]

Hey Sar89,

I’m not entirely sure how to PM on here but if you don’t mind I’d quite like to ask about your experiences with abortion. I have an appointment scheduled and I really don’t know what to expect.

Thank you xx

[BlueIris]

Sending love and positive wishes. Not going to apologise to any of the pro-lifers, your only responsibility is to your own health and well-being, and I wish you the best with whatever decision you choose to make.