Struggling

[Scass]

I’m really struggling lately with lots of things. I think this has been going on for a few months and I’m feeling quite easily overwhelmed, with low mood and even lower self esteem.

I didn’t know what to do about it, so thought I’d write it down. I may delete it later, it’s quite personal and I don’t often post about myself on here.

I don’t know if it’s maybe menopausal or an age thing - I reached a big new age this month.

I am struggling at home, it is a mess and I lack all motivation with it . I procrastinate and then feel overwhelmed and unhappy about it.

I am struggling at work, we are so busy and I have told my boss twice that I’m struggling but was told that nothing was going to change. My team were offered a nice bonus if we achieved something and I found out today that I didn’t get mine, but with no explanation as to why not. However, there were some issues with some of my work (after I had told them how busy I was), and I was off with covid for a few days (unpaid). So I assume that’s why I didn’t get the bonus but everyone else did and it has left me feeling so shoddy. Add the few hundred pounds I lost for having covid, and it’s quite the smack in the face. I also feel like I’m being punished a bit for bringing up the fact I’m struggling and for being off with covid. I know it sounds weird and paranoid but I have to trust my instinct a bit and my boss is definitely being off with me.

I work with someone who annoys me, she’s very nice but she’s annoying. Today she told me that sometimes I am unnecessarily curt with her, and I suspect I am, but I feel horrible that I’ve made her feel horrible. And I didn’t say sorry either. I don’t know how to deal with that.

I let my daughter have too much screen time because I’m busy trying to get stuff done (or procrastinating!). I feel like she’s growing up so fast and my time with her should be better.

I think I still have brain fog from covid. And perimenopause. I know I should see a gp about the peri, but I just think I’ll cry.

I can’t sleep due to my stupid shoulder pain. (Im seeing a physio about it now).

I feel like a terrible failure. I have quite a problem with responsibility in that I feel like everything is my responsibility, so if things go wrong I blame myself. I’m blaming myself for so much right now and I don’t know how to get out of my rut.

One of the school Mums who I don’t really know, called out to me this morning “Remind your brain how awesome you are”. I thought it was such a kind thing to say.

Sending love to anyone struggling too. I see you, you’re awesome.

[BlueIris]

Scass, you're completely awesome too. I wish I could help more, but in the absence of a baseball bat to thwack all the people who are treating you in a way you don't deserve, I'm sending love and positive thoughts your way.

Thank you so much for being you and for all the kindness you've shown me.

[fishman65]

Scass, I don't know you as well as some other members here do, but you always strike me as a kind and caring person. Reading through your feelings there, I can see a lot of familiar thought patterns I know only too well.

You are clearly a kind soul who tries to be all things to all people. You do a brilliant job in such very difficult circumstances. Often we demand such high standards of ourselves and become self critical if we feel we don't meet them. You have an awful lot going on there, enough to send anyone without a mental health condition into a tailspin.

Not only are you grappling with everything at work but you also had covid. That on its own is going to knock the stuffing out of you. Tbh I think you're pretty damned incredible.

Hugs for you

And you Blue

[Carnation]

Scass
I was so surprised to see a post in this form from you as you say you don't normally and from my knowledge you are normally supporting others. And I think that may be the crux of your low mood with what you have mentioned in your post is you just haven't been getting the support you need, your workplace is a good example of this.
Yes, you may have a lingering malaise from covid, possible you might have some menopausal symptoms, even anxiety and a bit of depression. But I've never known you express yourself so and I think you just need some friendly support and for someone to say, "it's all going to be ok and I'm here for you if you need someone". You are one of the nicest people on this forum with great empathy and that sometimes comes with a price that you are expected to keep up that persona and support everyone and you get disappointed when you don't get that in return. The work bonus for instance. I get that and it's hurtful. But look at it logically, it's just a job, you might be more appreciated somewhere else, maybe it's time for a change and the extra money, although handy is shortlived, it's not going to change your life. I'm not being flippant about it because it's a sort of kick in the shins and I've had that a few times, but now you know the score so please don't break your back trying to please them or overthink the situation. It's done, it's past now and I don't think for one minute that it was because you are not liked. Who wouldn't like you, you are amazing, caring, loving and very worthy!
Say your piece, have your cry, then remind yourself just how much you are valued and do something for you instead of worrying about other people. xx

[pulisa]

Scass..You're the one who has been treated shoddily and shabbily. You are conscientious and just get on with your work, I imagine. No fuss, no whingeing. I bet the powers that be wouldn't have dared deprive you of your deserved bonus if you had been a loud attention-seeker and a covid martyr. Maybe you're at the stage now where you would consider a change of job direction but it's a big decision when you are not feeling good mentally.

I'm glad you feel able to speak out on here. We are your friends and know just what a kind and caring person you are. You bend over backwards for your little girl as you did for your parents in very challenging circumstances. Don't let these b*ggers get you down..You ARE awesome

[Catkins]

I haven't really got anything else to add. Just wanted to let you know whether it's Covid or perimenopause, you can get through this. Make time for yourself and keep giving yourself a well deserved pat on the back, you are doing well!

[Scass]

I want to reply but each of your messages made me cry. You lovely, kind people. Thank you for your precious words xx

[Darksky]

I think they are being really mean and vindictive at work. They give everyone else a bonus except you..just because you have too much to do and have been off sick with covid. Don’t you get SSP? I thought you could self certify yourself for the first week and need a doctors note thereafter. I may be wrong be cause Mr.D used to deal with all that. They are acting awfully in any case. Would a change in direction help? A less stressful job? Less hours?

As for home, so what if is not up Hyacinth Bucket’s standards. Mine is no palace and the dust fairy visits every night but the Queens not come round yet and I haven’t killed anyone from plague. Just do what you can, a little at a time and it will get sorted. When you are twanging your harp in the clouds no one is going to remember you for how sparkling your windows were but rather what a good and kind person you were.

Vent away all you like, there will always be listening ear on here. Remember you are doing great. Tell yourself this every morning in the mirror….I am absolutely FABULOUS! It’s true..you just need to believe it xx

[MyNameIsTerry]

Scass, you are one of the loveliest, compassionate people on here. And respect to the mum that shouted out to you.

It's always tricky at work. It really does depend on the boss and the culture. I've been a manager and remember how there were dedicated ones, climbers and box tickers. The latter just want an easy life. The climbers don't care unless it's about their progression. The dedicated care about their work and people.

It isn't your fault if you are struggling. The whole point of management is to deal with issues like this but some see the job as a step up the greasy pole or an annoyance because they have to do some work. If a manager doesn't respond positively to help someone reaching out then they are a bit shit at their job. Like the GP who sees patients as a nuisance. That's not your fault, it's them. The exception is that they too are struggling and you can forgive someone who snaps if they are big enough to admit why.

I do think it's poor you didn't receive your bonus. If they are putting more on you than they should do then that should be factored in. Illness shouldn't prevent a bonus unless it's one linked to absence.

I think you can resolve the issue with your work colleague. Just be honest, say it's such a hard time right now. Mental health doesn't need a mention since Covid has been a reason many more people have been struggling and so people will be more open to understanding things may be tough.

It's very obvious your a self kicker. You hold yourself up to a higher standard than others will. You will forgive others things you would punish yourself for. It just means you are dedicated and responsible. But it can go too far into the realms of perfectionism and need for control. Don't be hard on yourself, that's an anxiety trap. Remember, it needs negative feedback to have a reason to exist.

Write something down you feel didn't go how it should. If it helps write someone else's name at the top. Review what they did. Did it matter? Was it something minor? Was there a material impact? We have a tendency to go too far in detail to do what feels 'just right' but did we need to? Was it only you that was bothered by it? We're others positive about the outcome? Reframe the earlier conclusion.

There are CBT worksheets for things like this. My last role as an analyst was doing a lot of the above to strip out process waste so I used tools from various methodologies. When I went for CBT I found some of the tools were trying to achieve much the same.

With your daughter I suspect every mum on here, and everywhere else for that matter, has thought the same. The good ones anyway. Isn't it natural? So are you being dragged into negative thinking? We can always do more but life needs balance. I think the mums (and dads) on here will be far better placed to advise you on this. You're having a tough time, you're allowed to be human. You will resolve this and have that quality time.

Have a big one of these and some from me x

[Darksky]

I agree Terry…bosses have a duty of care nowadays. If someone is struggling they are supposed to help, not punish by being pathetic.