Coping with Change

[.Poppy.]

Thank you, Aster and Pulisa. I wish I could say I had made a concrete decision, but I haven't yet. I do plan to in the next couple of days though; my dog has procedures tomorrow and my dad does as well (Xrays and blood tests) so I'll see how those shake out. I will say I am leaning towards not going, as my dad's surgery has been scheduled for the day I would leave and I would like to be here with him for that, and to help my mom as needed, and I also of course don't want to be ill and chance passing it on. I feel like my friends would understand that? Though may be irritated that I'm backing out, especially fairly last minute. I could offer to pay for part of my lodging I guess. Another thing that is bothering me is that if I tell them why I'm backing out, it would make it that much more real, and that makes me sad.

Under different circumstances, I would really love to go and spend time with my friends and have a relaxing time. However, most of my time will be spent traveling and there is a lot of other things that would keep me here...and I guess that's sad too because I wish it was "under different circumstances". The truth is, I do feel a bit isolated - coming out of a pandemic of course I would - and I haven't quite figured out how to "come out" of the pandemic totally. And I just have this really sad feeling that my friends will be upset with me, so will stop engaging with me, and then I'll lose my parents and then I'll just be totally alone. And that's really morbid, I realize. It's just hard not to let that sadness drag me down a bit. I like my friends, but making new friends is really hard for me - I have a lot of acquaintances but as far as actual friends to do things with, that's tricky. Dating is also really hard for me, but that's another thing I need to tackle. It all just feels like a lot.

I did briefly entertain the idea of driving instead of flying - that would at least keep me out of busy airports/planes. I liked this idea because I could stop off in the Smokey Mountains on the way back and maybe stay a day or two and do some hikes; however, that would require additional money for gas and additional lodging (both ways, because it's a long trip and can't be done in just one day) so that makes it more difficult, plus I wouldn't be able to be here in that situation either.

So I was doing a little better, now I'm doing a little worse. I guess that's the nature of the beast. I just feel like so much is out of my control, and what I can control I have bungled.

[pulisa]

Who would you be "letting down" if you didn't go though? It's not as if it's just one friend you would be "leaving in the lurch" as a group of friends are going.

Would a true friend stop engaging with you if you didn't go on a planned holiday with them due to circumstances? Is telling them the worst bit?

[.Poppy.]

Who would you be "letting down" if you didn't go though? It's not as if it's just one friend you would be "leaving in the lurch" as a group of friends are going.

Would a true friend stop engaging with you if you didn't go on a planned holiday with them due to circumstances? Is telling them the worst bit?

I guess my fear would be they would think, "oh, she's no fun, she's cancelling on us again, may as well just stop inviting her". Or, just the fear of missing out. As for letting them down? I would think it would be kind of hard for my best friend, who is usually busy going to museums and on trails and stuff (we do these things together) while the other two are more into sitting by a pool and going out to bars, so she would have to fly solo or convince them to come along. Admittedly, I also have a bit of FOMO, even in light of everything.

I'm just in kind of a rotten mood today, anyway, being that I have a lot of stress coming up tomorrow, my depression is pestering me, and I'm back in the office with two coworkers who have been unwell. One had covid, but she stayed in her office and has been off over a week so is probably better. The other swears it's "not covid" but has been coughing quite a bit the next cubicle over, and even ventured into my cubicle a couple of times, so I'm less than pleased.

I feel like my mind is spinning, trying to come to a decision about what to do and also having all of these fears. There are just so many at once, it's hard to pick just one to try and "tackle"! I'm usually very logical; I want to face a problem with a solution, but not everything has an easy solution.

My plan for the time being is to just get through tomorrow and Wednesday (somehow). By then, both my dog and my dad will have their results and we can move forward, and I guess I can reassess finances and next steps and all of that fun stuff. Maybe it will be more apparent then what I need to do, or I will feel a little more mentally clear.

I wish I knew what my dad's tests were for - he already had both bloodwork and X-Rays, but this seems to be specific for the surgery; however the X-Ray is of his chest, which he already had? My mom didn't know either, and he didn't apparently think to ask himself. She's wondering if they're just looking to make sure his lungs look healthy for the surgery? Although he really is very healthy, his doctor said that if he were in worse shape he wouldn't recommend the surgery at all, but he's in great shape, so that's a bit comforting at least. Still, my HA keeps tapping away "what if they find something that wasn't there on last month's X-Rays?"

I have a long drive ahead of me with my mom on Wednesday, so maybe I can speak out loud and talk things through with her then. It may help. I feel like I've just been kind of bottled up and I don't get a lot of chance to vent, though I don't much want to vent to her as I know she has her own fears and stressors that are plaguing her. I could talk to my friends but...I sometimes get uncomfortable when too much attention is on me, and they don't fully understand anyway.

[Catkins]

I understand how you feel about not wanting to let friends down and the worry of them not asking you to do things again, I've been there numerous times with some of my friends. All I can say is that after having to cancel things or not commit to things, my friends are still my friends. I think you have so much going on at the moment with you dad and your dog that should you cancel they will understand.

[pulisa]

I think they will more than understand, Poppy but you are overthinking the situation and imagining that they will all turn on you for deciding against going..?

You do have such a lot of worrying things going on at the moment. You are doing the right thing by focusing on the really important days this week.

[.Poppy.]

Well, I cancelled my trip and messaged my best friend to let her know. Admittedly I knew I had to do it today but had several panic attacks over the course of trying to do it and finally just bit the bullet. I then hid my phone in my coat because I'm not able to look at her response just yet. I told her I didn't know how to break it to the other two friends, and that I could pay part of my room costs if they really needed me to.

I had spoken with my mom yesterday about it and both her and my dad suggested I not go - they are very into pushing me to do stuff so if they didn't want me to go that speaks volumes. My mom mentioned that she was worried about the surgery (naturally) so would like me close, and also that she wasn't sure she could take care of both my dad and my dog post-op, as my dog is quite the handful (honestly, my dad is as well). She's the only one who can really watch my dog, so that pretty much sealed that deal.

I'm honestly pretty sad about it - I had serious reservations about going but now that I've backed out I realized that I really did want to go, there was just too much additional stress. If we could have done it back in 2019 it would have been a no brainer, and a blast.

I am thinking about booking a cabin for me and my dog this fall as sort of a consolation trip, and maybe I can visit my best friend in South Dakota and we can do wineries or something up there.

The whole thing just makes me feel really sad and lonely, and I'm going to try to finish up work and then just go cry at home.

[pulisa]

Your mum needs you, Poppy. There will be other holidays at much less stressful times. You may feel bad now but you had reservations about going and if you had gone would only be thinking about how your dad was.

In my view you did the right thing and I'm sure your friends will be supportive of your decision. Please don't be down about it..

[.Poppy.]

Thanks, Pulisa. My friend offered to tell the others for me, but I told her I could be a grown-up and message them myself. I'll likely do it tonight.

I think I'm just upset at missing out, and also feeling just overall low with myself and life, which is a familiar feeling for me, it's just returned. My friend told me her boyfriend is buying some land and they are going to move, which I'm really excited for them, particularly as it is near a national park I really want to visit so it will be so fun to see them and do that. But it is farther away than they currently live from me, and they'll probably get engaged soon, and my other friends are all about to start families and it's just...me. I have a lot of changes I need to make in my life, but today I just feel lonely and it seems really hard and like the changes I need to make feel impossible or that I'll never be able to reach my goals. It's all very doom and gloom.

I'm also really nervous to take a trip alone, but I really feel like I need to a) just have a break at some point and b) prove to myself that I can do it and I can have fun, even if at times I'm by myself.

So. I suppose I'll spend a day or two wallowing and then try to figure out what my next steps in life should be.

[pulisa]

You mention "changes" a lot but that just piles on the pressure when you're already feeling terribly stressed. You feel that your friends are moving onto the next stage in their lives and leaving you behind? Life's not a race though. My daughter feels she has to do everything now as time is running out and she doesn't want to grow old. (She's 31 in June). It's hard to be young and anxious about "what comes next" in life and there IS a lot of pressure from many angles,. It's still a time to make the most of being able to please yourself though-obviously within reason. Why not plan that trip for yourself and see what you could take on with confidence and enjoyment? The enjoyment factor should be top of your list!

[.Poppy.]

I'm 31 in August, so I definitely identify with your daughter. It can be hard not to feel like it's a race, as everyone I am close to seems to be moving "forward" with their life and career goals and I guess I just feel like I'm standing still a bit. I also, to be honest, feel a bit like a lot of things are out of my control and am trying to figure out how to gain control back in certain areas.

I do think that I'll try to plan a trip out after my dad gets out of surgery. My mom suggested coming along with me, but I think my dad would want to come as well and he can't really do high altitude anymore so I'll likely be flying solo. I really wanted to go with my dog, but I may actually leave him with my mom and take my "other" dog (she lives with my parents) as she's much more social so instead of staying in one cabin in the middle of nowhere, I can also spend a couple of days close to a resort town that's pretty dog-friendly and do some additional hikes and visit shops, etc. which I would really enjoy. She also travels much better in general, so I won't have to worry about being in the car or lodging being too close to other people or things like that.