Coping with Change

[.Poppy.]

Honestly, Pulisa...yes and no.

I love my friends and I do want to go and spend time with them. However, it's really not the sort of vacation I would choose to take, and I think that's where some of my frustration is coming in, because the past few vacations I've done have been with my friends and have been very geared towards what they wanted to do. Last summer was a bachlorette party, then for my 30th I visited another friend and we did do some really fun stuff but the majority wasn't really what I had in mind.

I'm really more of a get-outdoors-and-hike person, and much more of a mountains than a beach person (I burn like crazy). I do like to go to museums and do tours and stuff like that. But I am very much not into clubbing or going out to bars, I never really have been and now more than a couple of drinks messes with my stomach. And I think that's what concerns me most - I am worried a bit that it's going to turn into a lot of going to bars or doing a lot of shopping and I'm really not going to be interested in what there is to do. If we are doing those kinds of things locally at least I can go home after a bit.

There is also, naturally, the cost of the whole thing. None of them are bothered by it as they are well enough off that they don't much care. But admittedly I did find myself a bit resentful as I ran errands this past weekend, buying clothes that I need for this trip but probably wouldn't have otherwise spent money on.

And - I guess too there are other trips that I would like to go on and have planned for myself, but they seem to get pretty consistently pushed to the side in favor of various "friend" trips. I really wanted to plan a trip to the mountains with my dog, and maybe still will this fall, but can't help but thinking I could have used funds from my friends trip to do that instead, which I would probably enjoy more as it is something I personally prefer.

However, my mom thinks I should go as I've been pretty isolated - I do see my friends from time to time but a lot of the things they do now I really don't take part in (or even have access to) as they spend a lot of time up at the country club, where they are members and I am not. I think her fear is that I'll basically become more and more isolated and alone, which to be honest I understand as it's certainly been a fear of mine. But I'm wondering maybe if I would feel so resentful if they'd asked me where I wanted to go, and/or if we were going somewhere that I would have preferred. As is, they all have items they want to do while there but no one has really asked me if I have a list myself; they no doubt assume I'll go along for the ride.

[pulisa]

I really feel for you, Poppy..I understand your Mum's concerns but the fact is that your friends are not considering you at all and just assume that you'll be easygoing and fall in with their plans..yet still pay through the nose for that privilege. I do think that you should have a say in what you choose to do or not do when away..After all it is meant to be a holiday not a having to fit in with everyone else endurance test and a question of counting down the hours till it's over. I can understand your resentment at having to fund something you don't really want to do yet dread backing out of..

[.Poppy.]

Thanks, Pulisa. I think that's definitely - it's a lot of money to pay for something that feels more like an obligation than a vacation. And the idea that I have to pay even more in preparation, and could potentially become ill, has made me a bit resentful of the whole thing. I do tend to think about all of my past trips since the pandemic where I was afraid of getting ill but I didn't (that I know of), but honestly that doesn't really make me feel better as those were all trips for other people as well, more obligations. To be honest, I wouldn't be the least upset if my flight were cancelled or delayed and I ended up having to come back home.

I wish it weren't so expensive, and I wish it were something I was looking forward to.

[Catkins]

Towards the end of last year I made the decision to not go on a girls holiday this month. I had the money for it saved in a joint account with some of the other girls that are going.

After much thought, I decided it wasn't the right time for me to be going. I needed the money to go towards a new to me car at the beginning of this year and I didn't think I was mentally in a good enough place to have a week abroad with a group of girls drinking etc.

Yes I was sad at the time not to feel like I was able to go, but it was the right choice for me. I explained the money side of things to the girls concerned (not so much the mental side of things) and they were fine, I wished them well and still see them for a social thing every couple of months. Coincidentally someone else pulled out a few months ago too - it was reassuring to be honest, life isn't always plain sailing and it helped knowing someone else wasn't in a position to go.

[Asterfall]

.Poppy. I hope that you dad's surgery goes well whenever it happens, and that it does happen sooner and turns out well for you all I hope his other issues are not COVID too, and as he said it's possibly their not given it is spring and allergies are natural to occur in this season

I've had similar troubles with a holiday this year. It's all paid for but it's possible both my grandmother and great uncle won't be able to come due to health issues. While their issues are nothing too serious and they'll probably be fine by then, due to the price and cost of living after this it will be a long time before we could afford to spare the money for another. And given their getting older now they might not be able to whenever in the future we were able too. So I really hope they can come as it wouldn't feel right to me that they'd have to miss out. Just that slight chance they might have to pass and miss out bothers me a lot. So I can relate to you both with how things never seem to go according to plan as they say.

But I try to be hopeful that things can turn out positively in the end. Holding onto hope is all you can do at times, as my OCD/Anxiety/Depression across the many years of dealing with them, has taught me. I will say on the fears of COVID that if you didn't want to go due to that, then you should do what works best for you and feels right. I totally understand and get that. I wish you the best with whatever happens in regards to everything

[.Poppy.]

Thank you, Catkins and Asterfall. Aster - I hope your holiday is fun and that your family is able to attend; that would be really disappointing. It's very kind of you to understand their reasoning and accept their decision as that is not a kindness that a lot of people possess. I fear that if I back out now it will not be met with kindness unless I have a very good reason. I had mentioned a couple of months ago that I was unsure about going due to my dog's health and the expenses that have come with that and wasn't really met with any sympathy. Which to be honest made me resentful as well.

Short of getting sick, or a cancelled flight, or some other catastrophic event I'll probably end up going. I'm honestly quite afraid - not only of getting sick, but that I'm going to end up in an economically bad position and not be able to afford food or other basic necessities and I'll think about spending $1k+ on a trip I was obligated to attend. It's one of the main reasons I fear long covid so much, I'm afraid of being ill and not being able to work.

So, we'll see. I suppose really anything could happen in a month. But I also suppose I could go and actually have a good time? The whole thing has just put me in a really bad mood and made me quite bitter, which I don't want to feel towards my friends but can't quite help it.

[Asterfall]

I hope so too, and yeah I understand why they wouldn't be able to go and accept it, my main worry is just I'd feel bad for them missing out on something they want to do. Especially if it's years before we can again or health issues with age prevent them in the future too. I understand you there and them not having any sympathy over your reasoning is annoying and sad to hear. But I'm sure if you did choose not to go, despite whatever friends/family might say at the time, they'd get over and not let it bother them. That's friends and loved ones do after all

I see, and hope you can have a good time on your holiday In regards to COVID we are in a better place than we have been the past 2 years, and with vaccines working and medicine being able to stop people from passing away from it now, it would not be the absolute worst case if you did catch it. It varies from person to person after all, and if you take the right precautions you can avoid it. Last year on holiday it was my biggest fear as I only had my first vaccination jab due to waiting for my second, so I wore a mask everywhere I went and was sure to always wash my hands, and I didn't catch COVID. It did reassure me and I intend to do the same this year, and anywhere I go now. Of course there is always a chance, but seeing that you can lower that chance does make you feel better. So try not to let the fear of the possibility overtake you. There are ways to avoid it, medicine to help now, and depending on strain/case it might not last long. And that's if you even catch it.

But I do get your fears due to money and it effecting your job, same with spending over $1000 on this holiday when you could better spend it elsewhere. As you said it's possible you might enjoy it and anything can change between now and then, so try to relax, and see how you feel when it starts coming up closer to the actual date Again if you do feel you can't go/don't want to go then don't feel bad if you decide not too. You do need to do what is best for you after all, and as I said above regardless of what people might say, they'd eventually understand.

[.Poppy.]

We had an office Zoom this morning and my coworker with covid was on and she sounded terrible; she apparently was almost hospitalized. I had previously assumed she was unvaccinated or was being unsafe (shame on me for thinking that, honestly) but nope, she's vaxed, boosted, and wore her mask everywhere and still got very ill. I know that's not the case for everyone and that the current variants are pretty mild but....I just can't shake that fear of getting sick, or worse, making my dad ill when he's so close to surgery and is a bit immunocompromised.

I found myself hoping that my flight would be cancelled, but honestly I've just told myself that I need to make a decision for me and stick to it, and stop trying to please others. No idea how that will go, it's not at all something I do as I am very much a pleaser but...I do need to do that.

[pulisa]

I know it will take a great deal of courage to speak out for yourself if you do decide not to go..I suppose you need to consider whether pleasing your friends is more important than your own needs at the time. Plans change and situations alter..True friends would accept that and would respect your decision under the circumstances. If you think they won't would they be the best people to go on holiday with anyway?

[Asterfall]

If you do need to cancel going this holiday, and you need to do it for yourself, then don't feel bad if you do It's not being selfish, your simply doing what you need to do to be comfortable with yourself. All the pain and stress that comes with anxiety combined with legitimate fears for your families health is a perfectly understandable reason to not go. It's not worth putting yourself through all this extra worry of possibilities that could happen, when deciding not to go would resolve it all for you. And as Pulisa has said, if they are your friends then will understand. And if they do react negatively in the moment, they won't truly mean anything they say and in time would come to accept and understand your reasoning. That's what being friends is all about, and if they don't then it's again as Pulisa has said.

So don't let any of that deter you if you do choose not to go. You need to do what's best for you, and I hope whatever you do choose or have chosen, works out for you