I've had a really low mood lately, and it's like I'm just so anxious to the point that all I want to do is lie down and cry. I needed to get this out and write it down, but don't really expect much response as there isn't really a "solution" other than I need to give myself a good kick and get over it.

I'm struggling a lot with work, finances, fear of the future, and really just fear of change.

I've always liked my job but the pay is pretty low. I can survive on it, but can't really build for the future. I have been trying to figure out a different career path to take; I've done a lot of technical writing in my job and have considered looking for freelance work in that to build more of a portfolio and then grabbing something full time, but it just feels so risky. What if I fail? What if I am terrible at it outside of my current position?

I am also really struggling with the concept of losing my childhood home. I was very lucky to be raised on a small ranch out in the countryside. My parents still live there, and I go out every weekend and hike around to get some fresh air and to walk my dog as he is reactive and does much better in the country. But there is just so much fear surrounding losing it. I'm afraid that my parents will decide to move and just sell. I'm afraid my parents will keep the land, but eventually it will come down to being split between my brother and I and he'll want to sell. I'm afraid that with all of the people moving into the area (apparently people from the coasts with remote jobs are buying houses/land here as they are less expensive) that the surrounding land is just all going to become development and it will lose the open space and the charm. The idea of any of those things coming true just makes me want to break down completely.

I am also, naturally, afraid of losing the people that I love. I'm afraid of losing my parents and being totally alone. I'm afraid of losing my pets. I'm afraid of my friends all moving on with their lives and leaving me behind. Everyone has their own lives and I am just stuck, which I never really minded before until it was apparent I could be left behind.

I'm also just trying to keep my head above water financially right now. My dad is very eager to continue renovations, which is fine, but they are loaning me the money for them + they loaned me money to help me buy the house, so I am again afraid that when it comes down to the wire it will make it even less likely that I can keep ahold of any of their property. My friends are all planning a summer trip, but financially I don't think I can swing it, which again means I'll be left behind.

I recognize that many of my fears are selfish as hell, but I guess I just feel like the things that are at my core are being threatened? And I'm not sure how to respond to that.

I tell myself that I'm being crazy, that I could be hit by a car tomorrow and then none of the worrying will have been good for anything. But it can still be really hard not to be paralyzed by fear and just wanting to cry.