Coping with Change

[.Poppy.]

I've had a really low mood lately, and it's like I'm just so anxious to the point that all I want to do is lie down and cry. I needed to get this out and write it down, but don't really expect much response as there isn't really a "solution" other than I need to give myself a good kick and get over it.

I'm struggling a lot with work, finances, fear of the future, and really just fear of change.

I've always liked my job but the pay is pretty low. I can survive on it, but can't really build for the future. I have been trying to figure out a different career path to take; I've done a lot of technical writing in my job and have considered looking for freelance work in that to build more of a portfolio and then grabbing something full time, but it just feels so risky. What if I fail? What if I am terrible at it outside of my current position?

I am also really struggling with the concept of losing my childhood home. I was very lucky to be raised on a small ranch out in the countryside. My parents still live there, and I go out every weekend and hike around to get some fresh air and to walk my dog as he is reactive and does much better in the country. But there is just so much fear surrounding losing it. I'm afraid that my parents will decide to move and just sell. I'm afraid my parents will keep the land, but eventually it will come down to being split between my brother and I and he'll want to sell. I'm afraid that with all of the people moving into the area (apparently people from the coasts with remote jobs are buying houses/land here as they are less expensive) that the surrounding land is just all going to become development and it will lose the open space and the charm. The idea of any of those things coming true just makes me want to break down completely.

I am also, naturally, afraid of losing the people that I love. I'm afraid of losing my parents and being totally alone. I'm afraid of losing my pets. I'm afraid of my friends all moving on with their lives and leaving me behind. Everyone has their own lives and I am just stuck, which I never really minded before until it was apparent I could be left behind.

I'm also just trying to keep my head above water financially right now. My dad is very eager to continue renovations, which is fine, but they are loaning me the money for them + they loaned me money to help me buy the house, so I am again afraid that when it comes down to the wire it will make it even less likely that I can keep ahold of any of their property. My friends are all planning a summer trip, but financially I don't think I can swing it, which again means I'll be left behind.

I recognize that many of my fears are selfish as hell, but I guess I just feel like the things that are at my core are being threatened? And I'm not sure how to respond to that.

I tell myself that I'm being crazy, that I could be hit by a car tomorrow and then none of the worrying will have been good for anything. But it can still be really hard not to be paralyzed by fear and just wanting to cry.

[Asterfall]

Hello, you replied to my own post a few months back, and I can really relate to you on all this and I'm sorry your feeling so anxious and sad I feel there's nothing wrong with your fears being selfish, as it's okay to be a little a selfish so long as what you do does not negatively effect others, and it's a perfectly understandable feeling. Everything you fear losing means so much too you from nostalgia and sentimental value. A suggestion I would say is maybe you should have a good cry, just to let it all out. I do find from my own experiences with anxiety, depression and OCD that I do need to do that over everything at times. After that I finally can find the resolve and answers to picking myself back up, and trying to be better.

I wish you well with everything going forward

[.Poppy.]

Thank you, you are kind. It’s fitting I guess to have posted earlier as I just got off the phone with my mom. My dad had a prostate scraping (?) last week and they found out today they found cancer cells. He apparently goes in for a CT and bone scan on the 12th and then they meet with the doctor the 20th.

Definitely going to have a cry. I’ve tried telling myself that if it is anything they will certainly have caught it early. But that just feels so impossible and I’m afraid of spiraling.

My mom told me my dad wants to get my fans up and start on my kitchen, in case he has to do treatment later and isn’t as up to it. And if that’s what he wants, that’s fine. But I really could care less about my kitchen now, and now I’m feeling triggered by just going in there. I’m just so afraid it’s the beginning of the end.

[Asterfall]

I'm very sorry to hear that about your dad, but as you said if it is anything then they will have found it early. So they'll be able to do something about it I would say in regards to your fears, right now try not to assume the worst as it is still early days. The doctors themselves have not yet figured out his entire condition. While it's understandable and natural to be scared, it is only going to make you feel worse if you do so before you have all the facts and information. While it's easier said than done, the best thing you can do is not let it overwhelm you. It's not the beginning of the end yet, and don't let your mind entertain those thoughts until you have the facts from your fathers doctors. That's the best way to handle it right now, and as I said let yourself have a good cry to let some of this out

And in regards to your kitchen if your dad wants to do it with you, then spending that time with him doing it will help you feel better. I hope you do learn next month that there's nothing to be worried about with your dad, and that it's something they can treat and he can easily recover from if it is

[.Poppy.]

Thank you, again. I know with my HA usually one of my coping skills is to tell myself "this isn't reality, this is just anxiety" but a lot of my anxiety right now is reality, so that does me no good. I also feel like I'm reading too much into his urgency to get stuff done - in reality he may just want to keep his mind busy, but it makes me fear he knows something I don't and wants to be sure it gets done.

I've had a lot of good cries the past couple of days over a bunch of things, but I'm trying to be outwardly strong because I know my mother must be worried sick herself and I don't want to burden her either.

[Asterfall]

Of course, it's a natural reaction due to your anxiety happening, and you have answered your main issue here. Your putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5. You father has not had a scan yet and thus he would not be able to keep details from you since he does not know what is going on beyond having cancer cells. And your adding his wanting to do your kitchen with you into these fears and creating a false scenario than is not happening as of yet, or even will happen. But I understand why you would do that, and it's a natural response to learning this. But again try not to overthink this. As of yet you don't know the actual facts, and this could be something that can be resolved easily enough with no negative effects on your dad's health going forward

And your a good daughter to care about your mother given she's not doubt worried and putting a front to stay strong. The best thing would be to be open with each other and let your feelings out, maybe talk about all this with both your parents just so you all know how you feel and your mother/father can both let out those feelings of their own, and then when the 20th comes after the scan, you can face whatever the situation together But until then try not to overthink or assume the worst as it won't help you or your parents, and only make you feel worse.

Again I wish you family the best, and I hope when he meet's the doctor after the scan, they'll be able to do something if they need too

[.Poppy.]

It’s definitely been a rough couple of days. I’ve been taking Aleve PM because it helps me sleep at night but have been waking up with high anxiety and I wonder if it’s related. I plan to call my doctor tomorrow to see if getting back on Prozac would be advisable.

It’s like if I mentally make peace with one thing I remember something else. In addition to my father I am just so low thinking about someday losing my mom. I’m needing to get things sorted out with my dog. I had to mail in my taxes this year and haven’t heard back about my refund so am worried about them being received or having to do extra things with that. Then I start thinking about all the purchases I need to make - my dog’s vet visit(s), he needs to go to the groomer, renovation stuff, groceries, etc. I feel like I need to make career moves but am just so paralyzed right now. My friends are all planning the upcoming trip and I’m very certain it will not be in the cards for me. Every time I feel a bit lonely and want to call my mom to talk I think “better just get used to being alone now” and then obviously start to feel low.

My mom let me know they hadn’t told my brother anything yet because they don’t want him to fret. I understand, he’s about to have a baby. And the way my anxiety is I always want all the facts so I’m not upset they gave them to me. But it’s a little frustrating as they’ve always been really eager to shelter him from things like that because he has anxiety too but…it’s just assumed I can handle it. Clearly I’m not so great at doing that, lol.

[.Poppy.]

Posting again because it's just nice to get it out. It was a really rough weekend. My parents came to help do some renovations and then I went out to their house afterwards, both days, to walk my dog. It was hard not to continuously think "better soak it up, this is all you've got" which is macabre. My dad also took me to look at sinks and dishwashers and today he's messaging me to buy a kitchen light for him to put up, which is difficult because I just can't get my mind to care about any of it.

My mom told me yesterday that last year his levels were high at his physical but they had a pretty negligent GP at the time who said "let's just watch it". This year his levels were the same but their new doctor decided to do further tests to be sure, which is how they found it. I can't help thinking (thanks to my own HA) that maybe there were cancer cells last year too and now they've just gone too long. But surely if the doctors thought it was that dire they wouldn't wait two weeks for more tests? But maybe that's incorrect thinking. So my mind is just in a spiral.

I'm at work today, but really just doing the bare minimum. And then I start to think about how my dad wants me to get a new job and that also makes me spiral.

I did manage to call my own GP and ask about refilling my prozac script. And I messaged my insurance to see about going in for therapy - I don't want to because I really don't want to spend the copay but honestly even just sitting in a room and crying to someone might make me feel better because I don't really have anyone else in person that I want to talk to. I could call my best friend but she's really busy with work so there's not really any good time to just call her and cry and I hate to be a burden.

I also called my vet and let them know I'd pick up the CD with the information for Chisum on it, and asked for them to renew his anxiety meds. So that's a good step. I still need to figure out whether or not I plan to take him to the vet school or a different animal hospital for further checking but maybe I'll make those calls tomorrow. It's just so hard to move forward.

My own threshold is pretty thin today, just sitting in my work cubicle and trying not to cry.

[Asterfall]

I'm very sorry it's been a rough couple of days for you it all seems to be coming pretty quick and overwhelming you. I can relate to what you mean about one thing being solved only for another to show up and cause you more anxiety, currently dealing with a lot of that myself. Worrying about losing you parents and loved ones, along with money issues. Both are always overwhelming especially with everything else. I understand why your parents don't want to tell your brother yet, but you have to deal with all the stress and anxiety of knowing. It's a heavy burden, and I'm sorry you have to carry it I would say that seeing if you can can prozac to help you anxiety and seeing a therapist are good decisions to make currently to help you cope with all of this.

Again in regards to your father's situation and with the doctors, try not to overthink and again wait until you have all the facts. It's entirely possible he did not have them last year, and you'll only add to your anxiety, stress and depression if you worry about things you don't know the entire facts about yet I know I keep saying this, but again it's possible there is nothing to be worried about. The doctors will be able to do something to help your dad if they need too, and hopefully it won't negatively effect his health going forward.

I don't think there's anything wrong with how your dealing with all this. Taking small steps like refilling your prozac script, asking about therapy, calling your vet for your pet, their all good decisions to make and you don't need to rush into everything. With all that is going on for you, it's better to take things one at a time than dealing with it all at once, since it's more helpful mentally on you that way. I wish I could say something more meaningful or helpful, but hang in there. I'm sorry you have so much effecting you emotionally and causing you so much anxiety, but I'm sure things will improve. It's just small steps, seeing what happens, and dealing with what comes up as you go along. Right now focus on getting through the work day, and when your home try to relax a little from everything going on, and deal with each thing when you need too rather than all at once

[.Poppy.]

Thank you again, your words are very kind and very much appreciated.

I haven't yet heard back from my doctor regarding my medication, which is frustrating. If I don't hear back by Friday I'll call again. I made an appointment to get an ultrasound for my dog on Friday morning, which is great but brings with it fears of them finding either nothing or something terrible.

I contacted a therapy group but they are waitlisted for now, so I scoured Google for other local therapists that seemed like they would be a good fit. It's tricky. Some I've been to before and know they aren't for me, others just didn't seem it from their websites. I managed to reach out to two to see if they are also waitlisting people, so hopefully I'll hear back tomorrow.

Still waking up in a panic, but it does dissipate throughout the day, though sometimes it just peters into fighting back tears. My friends are all excitedly messaging either other about the upcoming trip, which is hard. I was watching Psych last night because it's a light-hearted show I've always enjoyed, until it hit me that it's over 10 years old and then I started panicking at how quickly 10 years can fly by. So that was awesome. Hanging in there by a thread though.

Edit: I heard back from one of the therapists and she can see me sometime next week. So that’s promising, hopefully it goes well.