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Thread: Coping with Change

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
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    2,363

    Re: Coping with Change

    So my dad's appointment was today and I have actually handled the day better than I thought I would. Pleasantly the news is about as good as can be expected - there's definitely cancer cells in the prostate but it hasn't spread, and he can either do radiation or have it removed. I'm trying my very best to take this good news as good news; he has yet another appointment next month where he'll visit with the doctor and decide what to do, but of course my HA self is like "take it off! Just rid of it now!" and patience isn't my strong suit anyway. But good news is still good. Also trying not to read into everything with a doom mindset, which is hard right now but I'm working at it.

    My mom mentioned today that she really wants me to go on my vacation with my friends, even if I have to borrow money from them to do so. I don't want to borrow money (and again, trying not to read into her standpoint negatively) but she did say that she wants me to go have fun and that they can work on my kitchen while I am gone, lol. So I'll probably try to budget it as well as I can, though it will be a hit for sure.

    I also talked to my mom about my dog and taking him to the vet school. She said she would accompany me, and my plan as of right now is to just make an appointment and say that I would like advice, but that I am limited financially and can't afford to run every test under the sun, so they'll have to choose wisely and help prepare a plan of action. I wish I could go back to my regular vet with the ultrasound results and get an opinion, but she seems to have settled on the fact that she doesn't know what's wrong and that I should look elsewhere (which, tbh, is a bit frustrating). So I'll go ahead and get on that.

    Overall I'm feeling slightly better, though still financially stressed, but I guess this is a good time for me to try and figure out next steps career-wise.
    __________________
    On the road of experience, join in the living day. If there's an answer it's just that it's just that way.
    When you're looking for space and to find out who you are...When you're looking to try and reach the stars.
    It's a sweet, sweet, sweet dream; sometimes I'm almost there
    Sometimes I fly like an eagle, sometimes I'm deep in despair.

  2. #22

    Re: Coping with Change

    For starters I'm happy you managed to handle the day well, and that you have good news about your dad Don't let your HA try to convince you otherwise, they've found it way early and it has not spread, and his options will solve the problem without any negative effects to him. I understand the worry about the wait to the appointment from people in my own family that had cancer, but again I'm sure the doctors know to act quickly. Just focus on the positive aspects of this that again it's not the worst case and the outlook is positive, which means there will be a good outcome for your dad and all of you

    Your mom is very sweet and caring for her to want you to take the vacation with your friends, while there is the kitchen they want to work on for you lol, I'm sure she's probably also seen the way you've been worried and the anxiety you've been dealing these past few weeks and she wants you to have a escape from it all to help out I hope you can manage to work that out money wise and trying to budget is a good idea. After all of this you deserve to have a vacation and be able to relax and have some fun, so I really hope your able to go

    Good luck in the situation with your pet, I do hope that taking him to the vet school can give you some answers, and I understand your frustration. I won't swear but sometimes it really does get you have all you want is a simple answer, but for whatever reason they never seem to give you one. So I hope there's good news there when you do take him there

    I'm happy your doing better, and reading your previous posts about your therapy helping, and I wish you luck with your financial situation and career decisions. Being in the UK with the cost of living crisis, I understand the struggle which I'm sure can relate too no matter where they are in the world too. But I'm happy again you've had positive news and you've started to do better, and I hope the good news and outcomes continue, and you'll continue to feel better from everything

  3. #23
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    Sep 2011
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    2,363

    Re: Coping with Change

    Thank you. It's nice to have a plan forward, and not so much coming on at once.

    The financial stress is hard, though. Things are rising in price so much, and this trip is going to be especially expensive. I just did the math, almost $400 for three nights, and that's just the hotel price! Souvieners, events, and meals are going to cost way more. My mom asked me if I estimated it would be about $1200 and I said that was way too high but now it's looking like that might be it. I spent a week and a half in Canada/the western US for $900!

    It's hard too because I know I need to switch jobs but I am so nervous that I won't be qualified for anything or that I won't find anything. I feel a bit of guilt too because I really like my job and am certainly needed here, they have trouble replacing people at my university and we are short staffed as it is. And it's very stable, it just pays nothing. I'm about to leave work and currently listening to my coworkers talk about stocks and investments. They all make at least double what I do; I don't have investments. I'm paycheck to paycheck as it is (and barely that).

    So, feeling a bit low but not as low as I guess I could. I reached out to the vet school about my dog and am waiting to hear back. I asked my dad if he'd help me plan out my plane tickets for my trip tomorrow. I'm afraid to rant too much because they're going to offer to loan me money and honestly at 30 they've already done too much. I am just too much a failure.
    __________________
    On the road of experience, join in the living day. If there's an answer it's just that it's just that way.
    When you're looking for space and to find out who you are...When you're looking to try and reach the stars.
    It's a sweet, sweet, sweet dream; sometimes I'm almost there
    Sometimes I fly like an eagle, sometimes I'm deep in despair.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    16,747

    Re: Coping with Change

    Oh no you're not...but i'd like to know what being a "failure" means to you? Do you think you are too dependent on your parents at 30? Why shouldn't they help you out financially if they want to? It's such a hard time for all young people and you are still young at 30.

    As for changing career I would say put that one on hold until you feel more stable mentally. You like your job and money isn't everything in terms of job satisfaction. It would be a huge change too at a time when you are not feeling at your best.

    Please don't talk about being a failure?! It makes me really sad when my 2 children feel like this just because they have difficulties and don't feel that they have "done well" in life compared to other people their age. You sound like a lovely, sensitive and caring person in your posts, qualities money can't buy.

  5. #25
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    Sep 2011
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    2,363

    Re: Coping with Change

    Thank you, Pulisa. You are very kind.

    It usually comes back to my brother, honestly - he’s married with one child and almost another and him and his wife have good jobs. Her family gave them some money for a down payment on their house but otherwise they don’t get any support from my parents (though they did pay for my brothers schooling and I don’t think he plans to repay it). He’s not doing price comparisons at the grocery store or fussing over vet bills or wondering if therapy is worth the cost. I love my parents and admittedly help them out a lot with farm work, especially when they travel, and I remember their birthdays and bring souvenirs from my trips but…I feel like I’m just owing them more and more money and I’ll not get out of that hole. My dad often mentions my need for a better job and that when he was my age he was totally independent. Granted, money went a lot farther then and he didn’t have a choice as his parents were awful, but it’s hard not to internalize that.

    I am looking into other positions, but am considering things that are contract or part time. I am hoping that way I can get some extra experience and build my portfolio while still having the safety of my current job.

    There is an outdoor festival today that I am going to attend with one of my friends, I’m hoping I can find a birthday present for my mom but it will be nice to just get out and do something fun in the fresh air. Then I’ll go take my dog on a hike as I do every weekend.
    __________________
    On the road of experience, join in the living day. If there's an answer it's just that it's just that way.
    When you're looking for space and to find out who you are...When you're looking to try and reach the stars.
    It's a sweet, sweet, sweet dream; sometimes I'm almost there
    Sometimes I fly like an eagle, sometimes I'm deep in despair.

  6. #26
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    Jun 2014
    Posts
    16,747

    Re: Coping with Change

    I think "something fun" sounds like a very good idea.

    I understand how you feel that you are under pressure and your dad's comments aren't very helpful when you are doing your best to lead a good life. Is it so great to be "totally independent" at 30? Some people are, some people aren't. It's not a race. There's no rule book which says you must be doing a,b and c at a certain age. People shouldn't be judged by how much they earn. You could be in a hugely well paid job and have a very poor quality of life. Money is useful of course but not many people your age would have a lot of it unless they have had money left to them etc.

    Times are different now. You are not your brother and shouldn't compare yourself to him. Nor should your dad compare your situation to his. Life isn't a competition.

  7. #27

    Re: Coping with Change

    I agree with Pulisa too, your being too hard on yourself for viewing yourself as a failure when your not. I'm sure your father means well and doesn't mean anything by it, but the only one that determines your place and success is ultimately you. There's tons of people that take however long to become independent, but there's also no shame in having the support of others and family, as not everyone can be independent and that's perfectly fine. All individuals are unique. And every post you've done on her shows your a wonderful daughter to your parents with how much you worry, love and are concerned for over them. Same with being a mother figure to your pet. Your anything but a failure, and this 3 page long thread proves that

    Again I wish you luck with your financial situation, and there's no shame in taking a loan from your parents if you need it, and as pulisa says it's best to look for a new job when your in better condition mentally

  8. #28
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    Sep 2011
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    Re: Coping with Change

    Thank you again. I think probably even more than finances there is pressure too because I’m not in a relationship, as literally all my friends and family are. Dating is just really hard for me - I have a fear that I’ll end up in a relationship with someone very unkind and feel pressured to stay, or that I’ll end up having to make compromises that I don’t want to make, which is probably selfish. Not that I couldn’t compromise on anything but just that some things are really important to me. Also have had some bad dates in the past and have low self esteem anyway which makes dating hard, but especially online dating which is really where most of the scene is at now. I wish it were possible to get to know someone without pressure and go from there.

    But, if I weren’t single I may not feel so much pressure to have it all together; being just me I feel like I certainly need to get my act together. It’s hard right now though so maybe I just need to give myself a few weeks.
    __________________
    On the road of experience, join in the living day. If there's an answer it's just that it's just that way.
    When you're looking for space and to find out who you are...When you're looking to try and reach the stars.
    It's a sweet, sweet, sweet dream; sometimes I'm almost there
    Sometimes I fly like an eagle, sometimes I'm deep in despair.

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    2,363

    Re: Coping with Change

    My dad is elected to go ahead with surgery. He doesn't have a date set yet; he met with the surgeon on Friday and they are going to call him to get him in. He's been feeling unwell the last couple of days - a lot of congestion and tiredness - which he thinks is allergies and maybe it is. I'm just praying it's not covid. And that hopefully they'll get this scheduled quickly and it will be fast and easy.

    I'm still struggling with my upcoming trip. We booked the hotel and I have to repay my friend sometime this week, probably Friday after I get paid. One of the people in my office went off to a conference last week and is now super sick with covid and the idea of being on a plane (which now has no mask requirements) and in bars or whatever just makes me really nervous and panicky.

    I paid extra for early boarding which may get me a window seat, as if that would matter. But IDK. All of my friends at this point are over it and really don't care about being careful or getting sick - even my friend who initially was very covid-cautious. I'm just so afraid of ending up with long covid and being unable to work, or something happening in 30 years as a result of the virus, or worse, making my parents sick and them being really ill.

    Also, if I have to be honest, I'm a bit bitter that I have to pay a large sum of money to go on a trip where I will essentially be at the whim of whatever my friends want to do. I am the most passive of the group so my choices or reservations about things won't be honored so basically it just kind of feels like I may as well just light that money on fire. Maybe that's selfish.
    __________________
    On the road of experience, join in the living day. If there's an answer it's just that it's just that way.
    When you're looking for space and to find out who you are...When you're looking to try and reach the stars.
    It's a sweet, sweet, sweet dream; sometimes I'm almost there
    Sometimes I fly like an eagle, sometimes I'm deep in despair.

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    16,747

    Re: Coping with Change

    Do you actually want to go on this trip, Poppy? Regardless of the covid aspect? Do you enjoy being in the company of these friends?

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