Hello,
I'm in my late forties and realised about 6 months ago with the help of my husband that I have SA. It shows up mostly around a fear of conflict (particularly covert conflict). I started CBT but unfortunately the therapist though well intentioned wasn't helpful so I've stopped and am working on things myself. I have been doing a lot of behaviour experiments recently and making progress generally however I have a neighbor who I've become friends with over the past few years who is the big issue right now and I'm not sure how to approach it. I have a pattern of finding certain people difficult to deal with either because I feel like they've been short or rude with me (my main issue) or sometimes I don't want to speak to the other person and don't know how to politely say hi and move on. I know it's not really about this particular neighbour but I'm also stuck on how to move on with regards to her.
We've known each other a while, been out to events together and catch up every so often and have shared quite a few things with each other. Myself and my husband bumped into her and her partner about 6 months ago in our neighborhood and went to say hi as usual and she very quickly said "I can't stop, I have to get home for a work meeting and anyway I'm sure you'd prefer to be standing over there in the sun" and then walked away leaving her partner and dogs behind. It was a bit odd which my husband agreed with (though I interpreted it as her being snappy he said he thought she seemed more anxious). My first thought was that I hope she's ok but I was triggered and gradually started feeling really bad about it, like she doesn't like me etc. I saw her another time in passing and it was ok but I gradually worked myself up to the point that I couldn't sleep two nights in a row. I also popped a holiday gift in afterwards, carrying on as normal. I didn't do it for thanks but never heard from her about it though she mentioned it a few months later when we bumped into her again.
Since then I've gone on sertraline which is helping somewhat. I've seen her around and it's been ok sivcetbut I feel angry that she's never texted to explain considering we've been friends a while and mainly scared that something like this will happen again especially as she's a neighbour and I could potentially see her anytime I leave the house.
I'm stuck at how to deal with it. I'm often ruminating about her months later, I think always on guard in case it happens again. I've also developed a chronic pain issue over the past few years so am aware of trying to tackle my anxiety for this as well as in general as it obviously doesn't help the pain.
I know I need to do some kind of behaviour experiments regarding her but I have a belief that people think I'm too nice or a doormat especially in situations like this (Im not really sure how true ie the therapist and my husband got where I'm coming from but said I'm pretty middling in terms of assertiveness) so am worried that by contacting her she could feel like she can be short (not snappy) and I'll still contact her.
I had a thought to naturally practice when appropriate being polite and friendly but saying I couldn't stop, without being (hopefully) odd! But am aware that it could be also a safety behaviour of avoiding as it will involve not speaking to her very much.
I can actually be quite direct (but empathetic I hope) when needed but it's particularly covert or subtle things like this I find difficult so did wonder about seeing if she wants to meet and then having an honest chat but I'm concerned about making it weirder too.
I'm trying to surround myself with supportive people and am not sure if there's red flags here about her. I am also very aware there's a possibility there's actually no issue and all of this has got massively built up in my head but I feel like I've lost all my natural instincts.
I hope this makes sense? Any suggestions appreciated.
EE
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