Hi all,
Lately, well, the past 3 years I've been so scared of aging and being so close to death (I guess the death part also depends on health too).
I am 44 years old. Don't look it, try to act it (in certain contexts) but just feels odd, like I shouldn't be this age. I was actually mistaken for a 25 year old when asked for my ID earlier today by the delivery guy, and they're usually shocked and perplexed when I tell them I'm nearly double that.
What really gets me and hurts me to my core is the fact that I spent 30 years hating myself, not having many friends and generally being socially anxious and it hurts. So much time wasted, when I could've forged proper friendships and where I could look back with pride at fun memories, but I don't have any.
I know I didn't have the best upbringing, in fact it was twisted and dysfunctional, and I try not to always use that as an excuse and bring it into existence, but I feel so much anger and resentment towards my mother for putting me down and verbally and physically abusing me throughout my childhood and teenage years, which in turn shattered my self-esteem
As a result I have not lived and now I'm getting older and weaker ( I feel it) , not to mention I'm at the peri menopause stage of my life which has been hard going. By the time I get on top of all my issues I'm going to be way too old to have fun.
It's like what's the point.
Just need to stay positive somehow, but the future seems way too bleak. Can anyone relate?