Hi. It’s been a while but im
So stuck and terrified. A new thought popped into
My head and I can’t find similar stories from ppl anywhere!

My theme is STILL hocd.

I remember once many many many reacting to an erotic noise from a woman on tv and suddenly thing omg that must make me a secret lesbian. I had been very close with my female cousin growing up we were the bestest of friends and did everything together. To my shame now we even experimented a little. Nothing full on though.

My head is stuck on the fact that back then I got so scared and assumed all these thoughts and the fact that I did what I did ment I was a secret lesbian. I was scared and had cried all night because it wasn’t and still isn’t what I want to be.

This is not disrespectful towards the community because I have gay and lesbian friends who I adore. But not for me.

Here’s where my hyper focus has gone to stand scared me.

These racing scary thoughts made me tearfully confess and ‘come out’ to my mum. She went mad and I took it all back and was scared.


But what if.
What if that was what I wanted? (I don’t want this, might I add. I can appreciate fellow ladies and that they are good-looking but it’s not sexual attraction. I’m still with my loving fiancé of 14 years and we are getting married this year. I do really love him and have had such an enjoyable sexlife (my libido has gone these past few months) but what if?) what if her reaction caused me to now be something I’m not?? What if my relationship and subsequent past relationships have all been a sham to make her happy? What if I’ve not been genuine? I’m terrified and scared now. This feels real. I’ve had crushes on men my whole life! This feels all disingenuous now.

I have had a history of other thoughts/themes in the past. What if im attracted to other female friends? What if my friendship is cheating on my fiancé, what if im trans. (I was convinced for a whole 3 years about this and couldn’t even touch the clothes in my wardrobe as it would trigger me.) what if im secretly a pedophile because a kid made a noise in a park and my head said that sounded sexual. I then avoided kids for 3 days, I was at one point convinced that the internet urban legend Slenderman was real after reading the awful true crime story in relation to it. I thought it would get me, make me do terrible things. I’ve been obsessed with swallowing or getting bleach in my left eye.


Please someone help. I need to know this… what im thinking and feeling. This new feared story im telling myself isn’t true. I couldn’t bear it if it was real and I’ve mislead my fiancé and have to leave him and ‘come out’

I do not want this!