Self referral ?

[Scass]

Ps. Buster, hope you’re ok x

[Buster70]

Hi all , getting old ain’t all it’s cracked up to be right Lenco ? Me and my bro went through it but my brother was in your position living with my mum so full time carer , maybe looking back it was a blessing that she passed away before going into care as she was dead against it , he took it very badly when she did pass feeling he’d let her down and I still feel guilty I didn’t do enough but you have gone above and beyond what is expected and I tell my brother this quite often , we’re only human and can only do so much , you’re welcome to use this thread when ever .
Thank you all for asking how I’m doing , not good but what’s new , partner is getting more depressed and I can’t do right for doing wrong , she talks about suicide most days and it does make me fearful for going anywhere but I have to work , on paper our lives are better than ever money coming in and a holiday home but we’re so unhappy nothing really matters , my Doctors rang today for me to go for a chest X-ray next week because they’re not happy with my asthma , the way I feel I can only think the outcome will be bad , I’ve wrecked my lungs doing jobs that meant dealing with isocynates and dirty dust , I’m now paying the price , I can’t remember when mental health are ringing me in July but it does seem a bit pointless my problems won’t disappear and if I go to a therapist again I just talk crap because I hate awkward silences , I cringe at the things I’ve said rather than say nothing .
Anyway I’m still here upright above ground and haven't thrown myself in the wood chipper yet so there is hope , just .
Thanks for thinking of me .

[NoraB]

Thanks for or checking in B. We're all thinking about you..

[Carnation]

Just a thought Buster
I'm wondering if your partners behavior is for a reaction. Not necessarily you, but could even be for your daughters and family, although you would have to receive such moods and behaviour because your daughters are not there. She would know you would relay certain information. It's certainly a habit.
Do you know if there's a difference when the family come round? I think you've mentioned before the disappointment of cancelled get-togethers and forgetting birthdays. It can be very hurtful to a mother. You would be handy to blame or attack verbally. Just a thought.

[Lencoboy]

So far so good with my mom in the care home today.

[Buster70]

Carnation , she has always sought approval by doing way too much for people and then falls hard when they let her down , her own mother would tell her she wished let her die at birth and went out of her way to make her life hell , she’s always had mood swings from lovely thoughtful and giving to hateful , we all carry the shite we picked up as kids with us .
Spent some time with my Granddaughter today going round shops winding each other up , she is the funniest person I know and can put a smile on my miserable face on the darkest of days .
Im soo tired every day , I wake up more tired than when I go to bed and I’m in pain all day , this X-ray is worrying me but fingers crossed , life is hard and it’s not getting easier with age .
Thanks for asking after me .
Lenco good to hear she seems to be settling in hopefully this will give you and your dad a well earned break .

[Buster70]

My call from the mental health people came and went , I’d gone to the flat for a couple of days to pick my partner up , she stays there a lot now , it was the hottest day of the year so my plan to sit on the beach when the call was due went out the window and I didn’t like the idea of trying to talk to them with no privacy , it seemed pretty pointless anyway I know what my problems are and they aren’t going away no matter who I talk to , I had my X-ray , bloods and ecg but I haven’t been back for my results , I guess if there was anything bad they’d contact me right ?
We rented the other flat to a mate of a mate who is in the final stages of cancer , they stopped his treatment and he wanted a last holiday so we’ve helped him out and let his family stay with him , now that’s a real problem .
So you’d think a good turn deserves another but as usual with life it just chucks more shite your way , a woman at the coast we know has tried to con my partner being all nice but lying through her teeth , it’s kicked her back down not that she was up anyway and now she’s in an even worse state of mind , she talks about not wanting to live most days and says I’d be better off without her , I worry myself sick thinking she’ll take another overdose , I can’t sleep tonight because she’s stayed downstairs and I feel I need to keep checking on her to make sure she hasn’t taken anything, she talks to a psychiatrist and social worker every week and I try to do my best to help her but she just says there’s nothing I can do .
It all seems so unfair that we have pretty much what we want in life right now and it means nothing neither of us can enjoy it .
Theres a lot I can’t even put on here for fear of who could see it and I don’t want to upset anyone either but it’s all pretty grim .
sorry for the rant I don’t really know why I’m putting this on here , hope you lot are doing okay I haven’t read anything for a while .

[NoraB]

Theres a lot I can’t even put on here for fear of who could see it and I don’t want to upset anyone either but it’s all pretty grim .
sorry for the rant I don’t really know why I’m putting this on here

You're doing it because you need to get this stuff out. (and I'm glad you keep popping in)

Checking on your partner every five minutes will drive you insane. She's got professional help and those are the people who are trained to help her with this. It's important that you take care of yourself too, though it's probably the last thing you feel like doing. I'm having my moments with depression (due to living in constant pain) but whenever my husband offers to stay in with me and not go bowling and out for a pint (or six) with his mates, I say no - because I know he needs this. He's far more equipped to deal with me and my shit if he has time to himself where he can just go and be 'one of the lads'. (I say 'lads' - he's one of the youngest at 51)

Re your partner sleeping downstairs.. maybe she just needs some space? It doesn't mean she's going to do anything. I think you need to try and loosen your grip a little here B; for your own sanity. There are lots of ways you can support your partner through this awful time but ultimately you're not responsible for what she does.

You can always message me privately, and know that you have friends here who care about you..

[Carnation]

Buster, I meant to reply sooner but my toothache took precedence.
Please tell your partner the same sort of thing happens to me it's not personal! And the stuff that is important is her contribution to life no matter how small.
She knows you love her but she's irritated and full of the disappointments of life.
The fact she wants to be near the coast is a sign she is looking for the answers she desperately needs. If she had thoughts of giving up she wouldn't bother with it all.
Deep down you are her rock and rocks get chipped away and that's probably how you are feeling. You have the broad shoulders that she doesn't have, so your presence is important. You keeping going Buster and poor out your woes on here. We can be your rock. xx

[Buster70]

I just can’t do right for doing wrong , she’s so angry at life , people and especially me , last time I spent time elsewhere to give her space she took a load of pills , one day this is going to kill her or do some serious damage , she can only see the bad I’ve done nothing good but everything I do is for h
er , I work to keep the place at the coast but if she wasn’t around I wouldn’t go there again .
I got a letter from mental health today saying because they didn’t speak to me they assume I no longer need their help , they couldn’t be more wrong but it seems pointless .
Today we’ve had another busy up because I didn’t have a go at a neighbour she hates over parking , I’m not up to confrontations so I just let it go which really annoyed her and to be honest doesn’t make me feel good about letting people walk over me , I feel so low and can’t see and end to it being this way .
Thank you for taking the time to reply I’m not sure I deserve it but I do appreciate it .