Health Anxiety is relentless

[flatterycat]

I think you have to have a distraction in order not to be overwhelmed and it's not as if you have blocked out your grief. Grief hurts and continues to hurt but inevitably we all have to face the world again even though we don't want to and why should everyone else just carry on when our loss is so immense and intense?

I'm sure your mum would have been very proud of your promotion to Head. Working on your new house to make things just as you want them must be very satisfying too. These are positive and practical ways of coping through grief but they don't take away the emotional pain.

You're on a very low dose of pregabalin. The bad press comes from much much higher doses which have not been prescribed by doctors. It's a controlled drug now so is prescribed and monitored very carefully. It has certainly been a good choice for my daughter.

Thank Pulisa - I really do appreciate your words. Hearing what you say about Pregabalin has helped a lot. I think if I were to take more it would help. I’m still stuck in a very negative thought pattern and despite knowing this I don’t change it. For instance, I can’t do some of the things I’d like to do because I keep getting overwhelming waves of fear which make me think there’s no point in doing this that or the other if I’ve got this or that disease. I’m saying to myself that if my blood results are normal I will do it. If my bloods are normal I will try it. If my bloods are normal I will try harder. I know this is an awful way to think but the ocd urges I get alongside (e.g if I touch that 3 times, it’ll be ok) It’s exhausting. Then I think of the appointments I attended with mum and how brave she was and I know I should stop being so self-pitying.

The head of school post wasn’t something I went for, I got it because I’m already the deputy there and there will be an executive head over two schools. I’ve never wanted to be a head and so I feel very unsure of the role, although I’m prepared to give it a go. The exec head is so much different to our current head and I’m quite nervous about meeting their expectations.

Today I’ve managed to do some weeding, mowed the lawn and sorted the hens out. Since we moved it’s been non-stop. We’ve just had our 11th skip taken!! We’ve also had builders in converting part of our house and the annexe outside. Originally mum and dad were going to do it up and move in, but dad is still going ahead. My relationship with my dad is quite up n down so I’m a bit nervous about that but I also like that my mum saw the place and loved it. Anxiety has been high all day and I’ve gone through different scenarios about my blood test results. Anyway, I’m waffling…

x

[pulisa]

No you're not..It's good to talk!

My mother in law (91) had some bloods taken on Thursday morning.The phlebotomist told her that the doctor would ring her very quickly if anything worrying was found and that "no news is good news". She hasn't heard anything at all. That's good news as regards timescale and the lab's reporting back to the GP.

I know that you will not compare this to your own vigil but it's just how the system routinely works and from my own experience I would be satisfied that everything was satisfactory. I appreciate that you won't be though as you will be working out all sorts of scenarios to prepare yourself for bad news. What would your mum advise you to do in this situation if she were with you now?

[flatterycat]

Thanks again Pulisa and I hope your mother in law gets good results.

I’m still a mess. Haven’t heard about results yet but know that it’s because I already have a telephone appointment booked and that they see that as when they will go through results. I know if there was anything urgent they would (hopefully) have let me know, however I also know that a small abnormal result would wait until my appointment.

I am terrified of a few results but mainly that I will have anemia. I know is really common but I also know from previous googling that it can be a sign of cancer in non-menstruating women. I have convinced myself that that’s what they will tell me. Or another result will be off that can also be a sign of a cancer. My hubby said to just ring and ask for my results but I’m so scared. All contact I’ve made so far has been through their e-consult system asking to speak to a doctor because my anxiety is so high waiting for results. Both times I’ve received a message back saying I already have an appointment to talk to the doctor. Sorry to go on but I’m such a mess and need to get it out there.

[pulisa]

You must regret asking to have the bloods done in the first place? Why did you?

There are a lot of "I know"s in your reasoning about how this is all going to pan out. Actually you don't "know " anything yet..You've just convinced yourself that you do. There's no factual element to that as it's all supposition based on fear and a sense of preparing yourself for bad news. I presume you will hear on Thursday?

[flatterycat]

You must regret asking to have the bloods done in the first place? Why did you?

There are a lot of "I know"s in your reasoning about how this is all going to pan out. Actually you don't "know " anything yet..You've just convinced yourself that you do. There's no factual element to that as it's all supposition based on fear and a sense of preparing yourself for bad news. I presume you will hear on Thursday?

Pulisa - I rang the results line in the end. She proceeded to read every test I’d had with the result. All normal except she said the B12 was on the low side. Never had this before. She said I have an appointment on Thursday anyway. She repeated (when I asked) that everything else was normal. I feel less anxious now, although I’m on edge about the b12 as know it’s classed as an anemia. My husband also said the same as you about asking for the bloods in the first place - says I’m looking for trouble.

[pulisa]

You'll prove him right if you search for "reasons for low B12" on Dr Google. Or maybe you already have gone down this route instead of waiting for the GP to talk about YOUR lowish levels in person? I notice that you have used the US spelling for anaemia?

[flatterycat]

You'll prove him right if you search for "reasons for low B12" on Dr Google. Or maybe you already have gone down this route instead of waiting for the GP to talk about YOUR lowish levels in person? I notice that you have used the US spelling for anaemia?

I haven’t, but it’s a conscious effort not to!
As for spelling - mistake my end.

[pulisa]

I know that Nora had low B12 levels recently and i believe that she was just prescribed a supplement but I'm sure she'll elaborate when she's next online.

Do you feel compelled to seek out trouble, health-wise? One of my "rules" re my personal self-care is to only have tests/self-monitor if I think good will come of it and that I won't trigger my HA. I will also turn down tests if there is no clinical need. I don't ever ask for tests because I'm not medically trained and every test comes with its potential triggers.

[flatterycat]

I know that Nora had low B12 levels recently and i believe that she was just prescribed a supplement but I'm sure she'll elaborate when she's next online.

Do you feel compelled to seek out trouble, health-wise? One of my "rules" re my personal self-care is to only have tests/self-monitor if I think good will come of it and that I won't trigger my HA. I will also turn down tests if there is no clinical need. I don't ever ask for tests because I'm not medically trained and every test comes with its potential triggers.

Yes I always feel like I need to be vigilant health wise.

[pulisa]

Yes I always feel like I need to be vigilant health wise.

There's being vigilant and then there's being obsessively vigilant. I think it's sensible to be aware of red flag symptoms and to make a GP appointment if they occur to get a professional medical opinion. I don't think it's helpful or healthy to believe that hypervigilance is necessary as a protection mechanism against illness. I don't believe it's helpful to believe that researching and googling endlessly will give anyone greater knowledge than that of a trained doctor. I think it's really important to get the balance right to protect mental health.